Failing to manage work and childcare even when I am trying my best.

It's all down to planning. If you know you won't have childcare back up and you have to work it's not practical to have kids. I didn't work so I could watch ours hubby did 2 jobs. If I had to work we wouldn't have had children as my mum was a carer for my disabled dad. It was hard financially but we survived.

What has being a woman got to do with it? If your husband earned less than you, then you'd be prioritising your job instead of his, surely?
I do think he should use up some of his statutory time-off to care for dependents, and check the employee handbook where he works... if it's a large company their own rules might actually be more generous than his immediate manager is willing to let on.
If he picks up the care for DC when he hasn't got something 'unmissable' like a conference, that leaves you with more flexibility with your own employer to look after DC when he absolutely can't do it.

Totally get it OP, I could have written this thread. I went back to work after maternity leave a couple of months ago. The youngest has had some combination of fever or gastroenteritis every week for the last three weeks. Husband has had some days off but works as a surgeon so if he’s on call or operating it usually falls to me to be there. I can’t do it all.

Tbh my daughter gets ill A LOT she’s almost constantly got a cold (though this is improving, she’s 3). I’ve only ever had to take a sick day once for my own illness (caught from her), once for her being in hospital, my husbands taken a sick day once, one time I’ve had her at home with me whilst working and another she’s been with my mum. Other than that she just goes into nursery. This is over a 2 year period since being back at work. If she didn’t go into nursery a cold, genuinely she would never be in.

DH worked away and no family nearby so only me to stay home with sick children. I used holiday or unpaid parental leave. I only used sick leave if I was the one sick. Once I started triggering the policy, I went to work if ill and would get sent home if very ill. Join a union if you haven’t already. It’s a tough few years when they’re in nursery and starting school.

I think you need to move to a nursery that takes infection control seriously! It sounds like you're good at your job and isn't there a huge shortage of childcare workers? Or is childminding from home a possibility? Or nannying?

@lessglittermoremudthis. I am fat and drink quite a bit but I never seem to get sick (touch wood) and my kids don’t either. I had friends who had ‘sickley kids’ who were seemingly puking every month at some points in their early years. It’s luck of the draw!

You obviously feel very strongly about this but telling the OP to "stay home, raise your kids" is a quick and flawed fix to a complex problem. It's not hyperindependent (whatever that means) to want to combine work and mothering. This particular set up is giving her issues but she doesn't need to stay at home for 10 years, especially when she has said she enjoys her job.
And she's already raising her kids.

Did you read the OP’s posts?

and yes, they absolutely can dismiss for sickness absence. OP doesn’t say how long she has worked there, but if it’s less than 2 years then they can dismiss for any non discriminatory reason or indeed none.

Oh, sorry I misunderstood. Then your income is important.
I thought he was a high earner from what you said about his income.
In that case, perhaps you could consider eg a wfh job?
Much less fun, but avoids the problem?

TBF I can’t remember the last time I had a day off sick, not because i push through and continue heading in when I’m very unwell, I just (touching lots of wood) seem to have a robust immune system.
I worked in primary schools for years, then worked for a charity which brought be into close contact with all ages and now I’m back working with small children again.
OP, I worked evenings when my children were small when my husband was home, it was only when the oldest was 6 that I switched back to working during the day and by that time they had picked up all the bugs going!
As someone else has suggested I would join an agency for nursery bank staff so you can pick your shifts/turn down work if you have a poorly child. My friend does this and earns £100 per day when she goes in (she aims to do 3 days per week due to her own children but sometimes does more/less) she covers in any local nursery that the agency contacts her about.
When they are small it is an endless stream of bugs but usually once they are in year 1 upwards it does lessen.

It can depend when they started nursery. Mine started at 10 months, caught everything going until she was 3.5/4 and then at primary school is rarely sick. But a child who starts nursery at 3 might be be 7 or so before it improves.

Surely your work have procedures in place for absence management? I very much doubt they can just sack you for having one day off in the next twelve months. Are you sure they aren’t just saying that if you do you will hit a trigger for invoking absence management procedures. That doesn’t mean sacking, or at least it should be a last resort. Absence management should include looking at how they can support you and a series of warnings if the situation doesn’t improve. They can’t just sack you for illness. The children’s illness is another issue and yes there would be an expectation that your DH share the time that has to taken off for illness. Like someone else suggested, I’d be tempted to keep some annual leave back for this. Not ideal and not a long term solution. But I’m guessing your kids are young- nursery or early primary school age? If so, these years are fraught with illness but it should start to settle as they get a bit older and build their immunity. My LG had umpteen minor illnesses between about 1.5 and 4 years of age but after that she was rarely ill.

If you haven’t already I’d be consulting with your trade union if you have one.
Im guessing you work in childcare or similar?

How old are kids when they generally grow out of catching everything?

It’s not her kids picking up bugs though, it seems to be her taking them home to him.

Unless all of her colleagues are also under the same warning it seems there is something she is doing differently to them as they aren’t getting ill so often.

You could still consider not working for a few years, or working part time for a few years as an option, at the cost of a more basic holiday, cutting some luxuries back etc. It all sounds very stressful for you. Some people get sick more often than others, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You sound exhausted by it all.

So he "works from home if he can" when they're ill. And if he can't WFH and you can't have any more time off, then he's going to have to take AL or parental leave if the kids are sick in future. You wouldn't be in this mess if he'd taken the sickness-hit himself sometimes. Now he's going to have to take it all and his own employer will maybe get pissed off with that.

It's either that or you'll lose your job.

You're already trying to minimise what your employer said. They said no sick leave or parental leave for the next 12 months and your response to that (on this thread) is to say you'll try not to take any sick leave for the next 6 months. Do you understand they're not negotiating with you and you can't barter them down to half what they stated? They don't want to see a good effort for a few months, they want you in work, end of.

I guess the good news is that at least you can survive on one salary, even if it wouldn't be the quality of life you'd prefer. That's a better situation than a lot of people are in.

Hi OP, sorry to hear this. It’s so hard being a working mum. A few practical tips, if you are looking after a child you support may be I’ll wear a face mask. I work in A&E and am rarely ill, mainly due to built up immune system now but if anyone I suspect is “infectious” rather than say a stroke, I’ll wear a face mask. Also, if you are looking after a child with diarrhoea, constant hand washing, especially before eating or touching your mouth. Lots of hand sanitiser also. My sister had honestly the worst immune system ever, I’m not joking she lost a job due to it, and for her new job was so worried. She looked into immune boosting vitamins etc and now takes a daily multivitamin and I swear she is a new woman. She rarely gets ill now and is thriving in her new job. Good luck!

It’s true. I have never had Covid and I was working in the NHS in 2020-21. DH had it twice and DD once. Had 2 weeks off with a bad back after a car accident in 2021. No sickness since.

DD has very rarely had any sort of tummy bug and I can’t remember the last time anyone had flu. Colds seem to pass in a couple of days and we don’t seem to catch them from one another.

Both DH and I have BIG JOBS and no family within 200 miles either so I do get it. I never accepted that having a vagina meant all childcare was on my shoulders though so DH is also willing and able to do more than his fair share when we are well or unwell.

Someone once said to me that if both parents work, they need to have at least one of the following supports in place: a flexible job (ideally both parents); local/supportive family willing to step in; a nanny. Otherwise trying to hold onto a job alongside having young children is virtually impossible. Not much help to you OP but I agree that it’s very hard when it feels like they are picking up every bug going. There’s no easy fix, but both of you need to share responsibility for sick children.

So am I right in thinking that if your husband is away and your child is poorly then you’re ringing in sick to work that day? No wonder they’re fed up - that’s not supposed to be a sickness day.

are they school age? How much are they actually missing due to illness? Are the kept at home with slight snotty noses or coughs?

@Seasideparadisehow many days off are we actually talking? Sorry if you’ve already replied, I can see a few people have asked the same question. It’s difficult to gauge without knowing… I mean at the end of the day, it’s very hard on the employer and service users if someone is absent every couple of weeks. The business still has running costs and the service users still expect the same level of service.

I don’t think your position was unusual - we had 3 children, no family nearby so no back up. They were in nursery and dh I both worked full time. And this was a few decades ago when flexible working was far less common. I worked in teaching so was surrounded by potential viruses and bugs from being cooped up with over 100 different teenagers a week! Maybe that improved my immune system over time, but I do remember how tough it was and I just used to manifest my children being healthy and hope it worked! On a practical note, scrupulous hand washing, vitamins and things like first defense spray do help to ward off some bugs.

And how are you all passing germs around so freely? You say your kids are in school, so 4+. Apart from one bout of norovirus which DD passed to DH many moons ago, and hand foot and mouth which she gave me, none of us have caught anything off one another, including Covid in almost 16 years.

Boots sell an anti viral hand foam which is really good. Sounds like you could use some.

Jesus. Have a gold star. You seem to want one.