Aibu to not want shared custody?

OP, I left with my ds2. Ex was drinking 90 units a week and was often so drunk I couldn't get him out of the car. I didn't want ds growing up thinking that was normal.
Ex initially demanded 50:50, then quickly changed that to one weekend in three when he couldn't cope with nappies and night wakings, and finally settled on 6hrs on a Sunday.

It completely depends on whether he gives up the drink or not, and how vengeful he is feeling. You can't force your ex to do any parenting at all if he chooses not to. Go for EOW plus one evening officially, and offer him more informally. See how it goes. If he's drinking he won't be fit to care for them.

You can't guarantee that he won't drink at his parents, so unless one of his parents will take charge of the children, it's going to be just pick up a few evenings a week, so you can monitor things. On the one hand you can't state his drinking as a reason to split, but then say he's competent, for very young children/toddler, to be under his care. Likewise you can't force his parents to have your children in their home, overnight. I don't know what your solicitor is thinking. One incident and you'll be seen as unable to safeguard them. Two evenings a week and a weekend day, would be the usual starting point.

Generally, I think kids need a bit more than EOW and one night a week to develop and keep a great relationship with a parent. But, if he has a drinking problem I think it is wisest to minimize the overnights with him and ensure they have a secure base they can trust. They can be let down by him just as much as you can.

Is he capable of, or safe to, provide care for the dc with his drinking problem?

The mother is usually the primary carer and even in a 'happy' relationship, a lot of men are happy with her doing the most work re the children so if they belong to anyone, it is the mother.

My daughter always found going to her dads in ‘chunks’ of time was better and easier for her, so she does 5 nights there then 9 at home.
however, my SILs child struggles with being away too long, so they go one night in the week, one night at the weekend, which works well for them, so maybe that’s an option if you’re concerned the children wouldn’t cope well with going for more than one night in a row?
Hope you’re doing okay, sounds like your in a difficult situation ❤️

sounds hard @Custodyadvice especially if you still care for him.

One solution, and it's not for everyone (but at least one of my friends has done this until their kids were teens) is keep the kids in the house and the parents move in and out.

They had a small flat they stayed in when they weren't in the family home.

the one weekend alternate and wed nights with dad is so hard on the kids i think. They're constantly living out of bags. GOod luck x

Short visits are probably in the children’s best interests as he’s more likely to be able to stay sober for a short visit.

Even if he commuted to recovery, living with him would probably be very difficult because of the high probability of relapse and increase in arguments with you as you’ll be the easy target for why he feels crap detoxing.

Is his mum likely to say something about his drinking or is she more likely to turn a blind eye and he increases his drinking because he can?

Your idea seems reasonable to me but of course that doesn't mean that he has to agree - there may be a bit of back and forth between you but hopefully you can reach a compromise. Have you suggested this pattern to him?

Then speak to a solicitor

Their father has a drinking issue that is not the childrens fault, you chose to have a children with this man and the legal process is you need to sort this out properley through the legal channels which would protect the chilsren more, a mother does not own the children it doesnt work that way

You might not want shared custody yourself but what is best for the children? They adapt quickly. Sounds like you are the one wanting to split, be realistic that he may want 50/50 eventually at least

“the recommendation” from who?
Your title doesn’t quite match your post but if you want them to have more time with him and that’s what he wants then why not do that?

I think your suggestion sounds reasonable given their ages. How amicable are things with your husband? Can you try your suggestion for a couple of months then make adjustments as needed, or would you be better to have a plan locked in?