Aibu to not want shared custody?

I may be wrong, but I suspect OP didn’t choose to have children with a man with a drinking problem. I’m hazarding a guess that the children came first??

@Custodyadvice

I agree that his parents don't have to have the DC overnight if they don't want to. Or maybe it's more a situation of 'can't' (small flat, health issues, etc). But if they're only 5 minutes away why can't it be EOW 'days only'? He could pick up the DC on Saturday morning and have them til just before or after teatime then bring them home, rinse & repeat on Sunday. I'd think that would provide some consistency.

My esDH (we're separated, not planning to divorce) is an alcoholic. We were married for 38 years before his drinking spun out of control. It's been over a year and he's still drinking. I will just say that you're in for a rough ride. Only about 1/3 of alcoholics get and stay sober. I suggest you contact your local chapter of AlAnon or SMART Recovery Friends & Family. They will be an immense support and source of knowledge for you.

I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong.

Of course OP ahould try to arrange access around what suits her working pattern, all working parents do this!

It absolutely would be recommended for a 3 year old. The drinking is absolutely an issue, you’re right (although let’s face it plenty of children are in the sole care of alcoholics) but it wouldn’t take much for him to get 50:50 if he wanted it. Just be prepared

i think you’ve had some quite poor legal advice. This isn’t the legal process at all- yes the court want to see mediation attempted before you end up in court but one or both of you can refuse. Counselling has nothing to do with the court.

courts don’t really like to get involved in custody at all- it’s only a last resort. You appear to be absolutely nowhere near this. Just suggest what suits you for now and see what happens

neither of us can say what would be deemed suitable not knowing how much the drinking impacts his life or parenting

For an untreated alcoholic?

Lol what MRA bullshit is this?

Presumably you only mean short term? When he has his own house he might want them more- have you asked him what he wants?

I wouldn’t tolerate so little custody and neither would my ex husband. I think the “recommendation” you’ve had is wrong- 50:50 is usually cited

We all arrange childcare around our work because that's real life when you have to work. Kids tend to understand that.

Do his parents know about his drinking?

Then you're going to really blur the boundaries for everyone by having him in the house twice a week. I wouldn't do this.

I disagree that it's not his parents problem, they raised him, and they're their grandkids.

Him picking them up and taking them to his parents for tea when you're working is a good idea. He's supported, you know they're safe. But he knows there's no time with you.

Ultimately, you work out the custody arrangements that work best for you all. Also remember, unless it’s a court order, there’s flexibility.
My DD has never done 50/50 with her Dad, just wasn’t practical. We’ve been separated 4 years. He moved into a rental initially but then moved to the other side of the city near his girlfriend. She’d have to be up really early to get home to go to school.
To start with, she went EOW and he had her for tea 2-3 nights a week (depending on my work shifts). Later it was 1 night a week due to a change in her schedule. Now the relationship has changed (for the worse unfortunately) and he’s not having her overnight at all. So many changes in those 4 years.
I’d suggest trialling the arrangements you’ve mentioned. Saying trial implies you do think the split could be temporary as well, which might encourage him to make changes, but I’d say you should be a plan to review after a few weeks. See how it goes.

Do you trust him to drive kids and not be drinking?

My husband is "having some time away" not because of drinking but because he needs to sorf himself out and decide to commit to his family. We agreed he wouldn't have overnights at the start (his parenting style is difficult for everyone) and he seems to be very relaxed about seeing them. He has hardly spent any time with them at all since he went. He keeps telling people he wants to see them as much as he can, but I am waiting for that to start....

I am so surprised as I thought he was a good man with the same values as me, but what do you know.

Hi op, I am in a similar situation to you but a few years later where I didn’t seperate and things are much more complicated. My husband did hit rock bottom with the drinking (breakdown whilst on holiday in full few of friends - I wasn’t aware he had been hiding his alcohol use) so we stayed together while he sought help as kids were 5 and newborn. Was optimistic things would get better and they did for a while.

5 years later and I am dealing with fallout of his liver dysfunction and mental health crisis (the underlying reason for the drinking). My kids have seen too much and I am now getting my ducks in a row to leave.

my point is I wish I had separated earlier but had hoped he would pull himself together. I am now planning my life as if I will effectively be a single parent. I am requesting he does not have them overnight as I don’t think he is fit enough but trying to work out how he can still be in their lives as when he is well, he is a great dad but it is reliable and consistent enough.

its going to be heartbreaking for my kids but need him to have a shock to start taking it seriously. Also need to protect my kids.

you will be more than enough for them. Keep calm, stable and consistent. Don’t be drawn in as he swings from one crisis to another xx

Neither of you are unreasonable to want what you do, and how appropriate either are does depend partly on how much he has done in the past, however , I note that you would like him to do the dinner/bedtime on the days that you work, which sounds like you are trying to arrange the access to suit you by saving childcare/allowing you to work better rather than what suits the kids.

How is it going to work with dinner/bedtime - I presume that he will have to come to your house to do it if you want them to wake up at yours every school day. That's rarely a good idea, if you are splitting up it's likely to muddy the waters and make it confusing for the kids, and potentially may lead to twice weekly debates about why he can't come home.

Unless there is going to be a massive drip feed, if he is at his parents, there is an additional protective factor for the kids and they are only 5 minutes away.

Does it have to be full days? I mean could he pick them up from school / day care, take them for tea and drop them off with you later?

Or a trip to soft play / cinema / park / whatever for a couple of hours?

In normal circumstances, shared custody or moving towards shared custody makes sense.

if he has a drinking problem, I would avoid overnights if at all possible and keep visits short. Definitely get a solicitor and try to get a formal agreement in place.

You also need to consider if he will be driving your dcs while under the influence. Will his parents check he is fit to drive? Can you be sure he will be sober?

This stuff isn't easy. I'm sorry.