Aibu to not want shared custody?

Do you really think he will stop drinking ? You said he stopped before and then obv started again

no one wants to get divorced but with alcoholic husband you have to be firm with boundary’s esp with young children

what happens in a years time ? How long do you give him to sort his life out ? If he does stop drinking and then relapses 3/6/12mths etc later then what ?

Just remember that whilst you’re paying the mortgage and paying into your pension etc you’re adding to the asset pot he’s due 50% of. With your sole income.

@Custodyadvice You can go to mediation and agree. However if things change, you should have an agreement to refer to.

Your suggestion is very reasonable. However i would be wary of setting a precedent of your ex husband being in your home without you. However amicable things might be now... exes can get weird. Especially if (when) you move on and meet someone new. It will be difficult to back down from it if it was part of the divorce settlement.

It seems to me you are doing a wonderful job for all involved and doing what is best💐 please also take care of yourself!

Just an FYI regarding 50/50 my sister ended up with 50/50 care for her children despite trying to argue it through 2 years of court proceedings and her children were 3 and 2. So courts definitely do award 50/50. This has more recently been changed now the children are old enough to have their opinions taken in to account though.
Although that was a very different situation to yours and yours sounds like it’s much more amicable and if you would feel better having an official documented agreement then mediation would be best no need for the bum ache and expense of court

This a million times

nothing sadly will stop dh now ex dh drinking and lying

he has lost

his marriage
his home
seeing his young daughter daily
his older kids (adults)
his grandchildren
his siblings
his job
his van
his health

many times I think he would hit rock bottom but nope nothing seems to be ending to make him stop drinking

he will die drinking and alone

If he had a drinking problem are your dc safe at his ?

I had to stop overnight stays as now ex dh as I Divorced him - would buy drink with our child and drink around her

all visits are now supervised

@Custodyadvice A lot of people do accept the one weekend every 2 weeks and one night during the week so a 5/9 split per 14 days. However, that’s when no one is drinking! That makes a very big difference and the safety of dc will be paramount. So I’d be wary of dc being alone with him but when his parents are around, that’s different. So I’d try and work out a schedule based on work and when his parents might be about. I would not agree to every weekend, or you are all work and no fun time!

If his drinking problem is too much of a problem for you to stay with him, then presumably it is not possible for him to have the kids 50:50. How are they going to cope with it?

Your suggestion and reasoning is not unreasonable.
However, he might not agree.
I think as a child, it must be difficult having two homes. His isn't really a home as it's his parents'. Could he have his custody days with them in the family home?

Having been through family court I would say its far too early to have any sort of idea what will happen next. Your ex is currently hoping you will change his mind . If you don't he's perfectly within his rights to move back into the marital home or push for it to be sold. One or other of you might end up living further away. He might decide, like my abusive ex, to push for 50:50 to avoid maintenence and then dump the kids on parents/new partner.

Courts are entirely unpredictable. Evidence of alcohol abuse can lead to supervised contact. Or it can lead to claims of parental alienation and change of residency. There is absolutely no telling what could happen. In my case there was proven abuse abd alcohol issues and court couldn't care less for several years.

I would do antrhing to stay out of court personally!

OP, you sound incredibly reasonable but between a rock and a hard place. This is very early days and especially as DH is hoping this is temporary, could you make a plan for the next month and review it from there? Unless he is about to take you to court, I think you can agree something for now that is practical and suits you both with a view to reviewing it once you see how it works out. Good luck. This sounds very tough but you sound committed to making it work for your DV despite the difficult situation.

he can’t be trusted with the children alone if he is an alcoholic. i’m
not suggesting he would purposefully hurt them but he won’t be as present if he is drinking and that’s a fact. You seem to be very reasonable op, stick to your guns and your intuition. if he wants to come back it might be too soon to formalise anything so you have time to think about it i guess. good luck

My exh had every other weekend and a dinner together on Wednesdays. He also took them on holiday for a week each year. He did let me have Xmas Eve and Xmas day though. He had Boxing day and I sent kids to him with left over turkey for them because I knew he wouldn't have cooked a Xmas dinner. He wouldn't bother to do stockings either so he was glad to let them spend Xmas with me.

I think its not just up to you. And while its important they have a secure base, its more important they have regular access to you both.

I think you need to put that suggestion to him, because it doesnt sound a bad one but id be a bit flexible if he wants more time too

It’s not realistic for him to be coming to your home to care for them. It’s confusing for the children, blurs the lines of what your relationship with him actually is and it will get awkward and cause issues if either of you were to get a new partner in the future.

You’re right that the new routine needs to be consistent but it shouldn’t be what you’re currently suggesting.

He needs to get his own place, prove he’s not drinking and stick to routine with having his children.

Absolutely! This is par for the course when dads want to fit around their working patterns.

Probably this will not be the wake up you expect. He has not hit rock bottom and losing time with the children will not make him reconsider the role of alcohol in his life.

If he has a drinking problem, he shouldn’t have them overnight at all. You never know when he’ll think “just one”
drink is reasonable, then it snowballs wtc

Pick up and tea a couple of times
a week, plus a daytime visit EOW, with his parents present, sounds best.

Their safety comes before his feelings/ preferences.

Very hard situation for you but surely if he has a drinking problem, the children aren’t safe being left with him overnight at all

If he has a drinking problem is he safe to have overnight access especially of young children? What about driving them? I have been through this rodeo myself and had to insist on no overnights unless another responsible adult was there, and absolutely no driving. I'd advise speaking to a family law solicitor ASAP.

You'll wish you went 50/50 when they hit the teen years.