Page 9 | AIBU to feel hurt by my husband's list of faults?

Timeforachange2026 · 2026-06-21T11:42:44+00:00

Dh and i have been on the rocks for a while. Had come to heads with a massive argument today and he decided to list all my faults during an argument. Below is the list Don't pay him enough attention. Don't mase him feel special enough Am too soft with the kids Am too boring. Don't have a social life (came up when he called me an awful wife, said I coukd be worse and be out drinking every night etc and he said ooh imagine if you had a social life) Work too much (both work full time) Put the kids before him Put work before him Don't do enough around the house (I do the washing, load/unload the dishwasher, do all school drop offs and majority of pick ups bar a few odd days. Also all household admin, bills, appointments etc.) Never listen...this came from an argument where he was shouting upstairs to our eldest...I wasn't listening as it was a conversation between them and didn't hear my name mentioned...and he got thr hump that I didn't answer In regards to making him feel special or pay enough attention, not sure what else he expects. We work full time, have two young children and various school activities. He finishes work earlier than me and moans i don't finish work at the time on my WFH days to spend time with him (i'm contracted to 5pm??) Oh and I don't cook dinner enough. If someone gave this as a lift of flaws...how would you feel

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 21/06/2026 23:48

It is not your fault OP. I wouldn't waste any more energy on trying to change yourself or thinking about what you did. It's not you. His behaviour is unreasonable.

If you can, give yourself space from it for awhile, you could bring the kids for a few days to see their aunt or grandparents etc. It would give yourself some space for your head and give you some support with the kids too.

I would concentrate on practical arrangements for now instead of too much counselling if it was me. You'll feel way better having a practical plan in place, where you have more support with the kids and a plan in place also if you do need to leave. If you don't need to leave urgently, you could be spending your time making plans and weighing up your options. Analysing yourself or trying to change him will only exhaust you

Neveranynamesleft · 21/06/2026 23:29

Please leave ASAP. That is no way to live. Tell yourself everyday that life is too short and you deserve so much more.

CRCGran · 21/06/2026 23:25

What a complete, total, utter, pathetic excuse for a man!!! Break this cycle OP.... no more...Do you have family for support? You really really must see a solicitor. Get the ducks in a row. Because...... THIS IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE!!!! HE IS NEVER GOING TO BE A DECENT HUSBAND. HE IS A SHIT DAD IF HE EXPECTS TO BE PUT BEFORE THE KIDS. HE IS ABSOLUTELY PATHETIC TO EXPECT TO BE "MADE TO FEEL SPECIAL" !!! YOU MUST PUT YOURSELF AND THE KIDS FIRST. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.

Ditch this asshole ASAP.

CountryMumof4 · 21/06/2026 23:21

Oh OP, please do leave this man if you can. Or at least start putting plans in place to. He sounds jealous of your children, belittling and doesn't want you to have a life of your own. Know your worth - you don't need to put up with it. I've dumped men for far less and been much happier for it.

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 21/06/2026 23:10

Timeforachange2026 · 21/06/2026 23:00

Over whelmed by all the responses but I have ready all of them thank you

The list isn't out of the blue, he had moaned about some of these a few times over the years, I try snd change and do what he wants and then we hace a period where we are ok, i'll do something 'wrong' again and he'll snap and we're back to this. Its a cycle that ee have probably repeated several times now

His friends and family know he can be a difficult person and i'm not saying I am the easiest but I also know when to pick my battles etc. If he leaves a light on in a room or clothes on thr floor i just deal with it. With him its a constant moan and being reminded about it for at least a week.

I have lost count of the number of times I have had plans to go out and had to change them because he has made plans or had to go to work at a weekend and not told me so I have to amend my plans

He jas definitely changed since having the children. He tried to convince me I had post natal anxiety with my first child, sent me to a therapist and everything who was surprised and said i was just a slightly anxious first time mum. With our second i went back to work earlier than I would have liked because I was so anxious that he would try and convince me I had PPA again

He saw i am over protective of the kids as I still like to hold my 5 years olds hand when we walk to/from school (one day he won't want to hold my hand so i'm making the most of it) and that because if one of them falls over or hurts themselves i go and check they are ok i'm smothering them

Hi @Timeforachange2026 .

I'm so sorry your husband is such a nasty, unpleasant man.

Holding your 5 yr old child's hand is a very normal and lovely thing to do. As is checking to see they're OK if they fall over or hurt themselves.

He sounds jealous of his own children.

Think how they are going to feel as they grow up and he starts criticising everything they do.

I know what I would do in your position...

IrritatingToy · 21/06/2026 23:09

You obviously need a divorce so just file for it

INeedAnotherName · 21/06/2026 23:08

I've only read your posts @Timeforachange2026 but he is abusing you and has for many years. Get out while you can, and protect the children from such an unhealthy dynamic.

ThereWeAreThens · 21/06/2026 23:05

I'm afraid my ex was similar and I regret compromising myself to do things his way.

I regret particularly letting him tell me I was being too soft on DS.

It's exhausting and debilitating living with someone who neither likes you nor values your contributions to the relationship.

It sounds like he's controlling you to do what he wants but isn't even happy with that. Please carefully consider your options.

Original poster

Timeforachange2026 · 21/06/2026 23:00

Over whelmed by all the responses but I have ready all of them thank you

The list isn't out of the blue, he had moaned about some of these a few times over the years, I try snd change and do what he wants and then we hace a period where we are ok, i'll do something 'wrong' again and he'll snap and we're back to this. Its a cycle that ee have probably repeated several times now

His friends and family know he can be a difficult person and i'm not saying I am the easiest but I also know when to pick my battles etc. If he leaves a light on in a room or clothes on thr floor i just deal with it. With him its a constant moan and being reminded about it for at least a week.

I have lost count of the number of times I have had plans to go out and had to change them because he has made plans or had to go to work at a weekend and not told me so I have to amend my plans

He jas definitely changed since having the children. He tried to convince me I had post natal anxiety with my first child, sent me to a therapist and everything who was surprised and said i was just a slightly anxious first time mum. With our second i went back to work earlier than I would have liked because I was so anxious that he would try and convince me I had PPA again

He saw i am over protective of the kids as I still like to hold my 5 years olds hand when we walk to/from school (one day he won't want to hold my hand so i'm making the most of it) and that because if one of them falls over or hurts themselves i go and check they are ok i'm smothering them

OP posts:

Boreded · 21/06/2026 22:25

This guy needs to piss off.

Stop doing all the things you do for him and see how long it takes for him to work out that he is the problem.

then put him in the bin

Lotsofsnacks · 21/06/2026 22:15

Why you still with someone who speaks to you like dirt and has no respect for you? You sound lovely, life is too short to be trying to please a man like this. Do you ever pull him up on his shortcomings? As I’m sure as hell there are loads!

The below would make me walk from the pathetic list,

“Put the kids before him”

kids first every time, should be both parents priority, hes needy and jealous of you
spending time with your own kids, pathetic

Violinorbanjo · 21/06/2026 22:07

anytime my husband would try to be mean I showed him the door. Works everytime...you can stop the sex too

TheGingerCatsWhiskas · 21/06/2026 22:04

Wow what an entitled deluded prick

leave and if you can’t leave disengage
and steer doing thjngs for yourself and build a good life for yourself

GotTheBluePeterBadge · 21/06/2026 22:00

How long have you been married, OP?

Rosesandthorns66 · 21/06/2026 21:57

After reading that list of negative remarks your husband has made about you, I'm beginning to wonder, does he have anything positive to say about?

If he thinks and says things like that about you, how on earth do you still have a married life?

Whatisbest26 · 21/06/2026 21:55

My husband used to say very similar things. We’re divorced now.

SunnyRedSnail · 21/06/2026 21:42

Dumbledora8 · 21/06/2026 19:24

Is this really the best that you can come up with ffs

Show quote history

Why?

No one goes from being Mr perfect husband into writing lists overnight. And the fact the OP says they have two children, implies this can't have just happened with the stress of having a child, as the relationship was clearly good enough to have second child.

Or perhaps there were tell-tale signs after the first child that things weren't right?

So I am therefore still hoping that the OP can tell us what redeeming features this man does have, because there must be something good about him.

LadyRoughDiamond · 21/06/2026 21:40

Timeforachange2026 · 21/06/2026 16:17

So he will cook dinner 3 nights a week. The other nights I am either in the office so we have something quick. I cook on a sunday and one night we have swimming lessons.

He hoovers as he moans i don't do it well enough. I've been moaned at enough times even when I have tried to do it to his standards that I just don't now.

The bathrooms get a deep clean bybwhoever gets to them first (or last) at a weekend but there are usually comments made that I should be doing more as I wfh

I do the food shop. He will pop to the shop if we need a top up. I didn't order a food shop one week as a combination of his shifts changed and us being out meant there was no plan for the week and we got low on a few things - it was all my fault that I never went to the shop etc even though he was also perfectly capable

There is nothing listed here that can’t be outsourced to a cleaner/ready meal/childminder. This man is absolutely not indispensable and the fact that he is constantly undermining and verbally abusing you is deal-breaker.
It’s time to secure your children’s future by a) speaking to a good solicitor regarding next steps, b) gathering financial information to ensure a good financial settlement and c) separating from this man so that they can see that this behaviour isn’t acceptable in a relationship.

GreyBeeplus3 · 21/06/2026 21:33

@Timeforachange2026
What a selfish whiny knob!
And I'm willing to bet he sees himself as perfectly perceived in every way
Ditch this annoying itch
You'll never be good enough
And deserve better
He has no right to say those things to you

OrangeSlices998 · 21/06/2026 21:20

Throw this one back OP, this is no life for you. Stop making him lunches, stop making his life easier and make plans to leave. You deserve so much better

shhblackbag · 21/06/2026 21:18

He would honestly, absolutely, be told the fuck all the way off. How pathetic. Being single is fine, I promise you.

BobbysDazzler · 21/06/2026 21:16

Before this 'list' I have to ask if you were happy with him op.....?

If that's not a yes, ask yourself why are still together.

Beeloux · 21/06/2026 21:14

Urgh tell him to fuck clean off.

He wants a trad wife but wants you to work full time?!

Absolutely not. All childcare and chores split 50/50. I’ve noticed a surge in greedy bum men. I rather remain single than ever entertain one again.

OVienna · 21/06/2026 21:13

Timeforachange2026 · 21/06/2026 12:53

Also to add...he moans i don't have a social life. But he goes out every Saturday for his sporting event so I have to work around that.

He says I can't talk to people as all i do is stare at a computer all day, but when he calls me thick and stupid because I do something differently to how he does (there's not two ways of doing something in his mind, there is his way or the wrong way) I don't really want to talk to people as i'm worried he will complain about what i say

He calls you thick and stupid?

Speakeasier · 21/06/2026 21:07

JLou08 · 21/06/2026 14:00

If it was the first time, or a rare occurrence for something like this to happen, I wouldn't be jumping to the typical MN response of LTB. Tell him you both need to have a serious and rational discussion about the relationship. He isn't happy, you're not happy, long term marriages go through rough patches like this. Listen to what he needs, tell him what you need and find a compromise together so you can both have your needs met.

Why are you making things up. There isn’t a typical MN response of LTB for one off incidents unless they’re extremely serious. People either see the pattern from the OP or it becomes clear over all of the OP’s posts that the relationship is either abusive or seriously flawed before someone suggests LTB.