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Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt by my husband's list of faults?

487 replies

Timeforachange2026 · 21/06/2026 12:42

Dh and i have been on the rocks for a while. Had come to heads with a massive argument today and he decided to list all my faults during an argument. Below is the list

Don't pay him enough attention.
Don't mase him feel special enough
Am too soft with the kids
Am too boring. Don't have a social life (came up when he called me an awful wife, said I coukd be worse and be out drinking every night etc and he said ooh imagine if you had a social life)
Work too much (both work full time)
Put the kids before him
Put work before him
Don't do enough around the house (I do the washing, load/unload the dishwasher, do all school drop offs and majority of pick ups bar a few odd days. Also all household admin, bills, appointments etc.)
Never listen...this came from an argument where he was shouting upstairs to our eldest...I wasn't listening as it was a conversation between them and didn't hear my name mentioned...and he got thr hump that I didn't answer

In regards to making him feel special or pay enough attention, not sure what else he expects. We work full time, have two young children and various school activities. He finishes work earlier than me and moans i don't finish work at the time on my WFH days to spend time with him (i'm contracted to 5pm??)

Oh and I don't cook dinner enough.

If someone gave this as a lift of flaws...how would you feel

OP posts:
MegMortimer · 22/06/2026 18:05

What always amazes me about these revolting men is that he will probably be genuinely surprised when you tell him it's all over, OP.

mummyflumms · 22/06/2026 18:05

Timeforachange2026 · 22/06/2026 17:51

So still not talking. Been the better part of 5 days now. If I do ask him a question its meant with a blank stare and him just looking at me and asking me to clarify as hes obviously as thick as I am

Have rearranged some plans this week as its likely the kids school will either shut all day thursday or at least some of it. Got asked why i'm not going in as normal....when i explained that if they shut early and i'm 35 mins drive away there's no point me going in, he threw his hands up going whatever, do what you want

I'm over it all now. Spent the day working out how much i can afford on my own (via Chatgpt) and looking at house in my price range. Need to arrange an appointment with a solicitor this week. And tell Dh!

Don’t tel him anything until your ducks are in a row. He’s just trying to sabotage everything you try to do. He’s already abusive so rest assured it will only get worse once he knows your moves. Statistically the most danger a woman is in is when she leaves. I’m sure you’ll be fine so not to scaremonger, but he does sound like he’s been brainwashed by the manosphere and he is already looking to change you - for someone else. And when there’s someone else in the picture a man quite often appears to lose absolutely all humanity he had towards his own children, let alone towards you. Seen it firsthand and it’s quite terrifying. So just make sure he has zero power over you whatever. He clearly already sees you and the kids as his property designed purely to serve him, so you leaving may send him into an hysterical overdrive.

cowandplough · 22/06/2026 18:01

All the signs indicate you make him jealous of you so he abuses you yo make himself feel better. Do you want this for ever?

HellyR · 22/06/2026 18:00

Well done - do book that solicitor appointment, and if you use chatGPT please make sure you click through to the original source (as GPT often tries to 'summarise' and misses out important points).

I don't know how you can be in the same space as this arsehole so good luck getting out!

PhotoFirePoet · 22/06/2026 18:00

Timeforachange2026 · 21/06/2026 12:53

Also to add...he moans i don't have a social life. But he goes out every Saturday for his sporting event so I have to work around that.

He says I can't talk to people as all i do is stare at a computer all day, but when he calls me thick and stupid because I do something differently to how he does (there's not two ways of doing something in his mind, there is his way or the wrong way) I don't really want to talk to people as i'm worried he will complain about what i say

I’m an introvert, and I don’t like going out. I may meet a friend for coffee about once a month, but otherwise, I am happy at home, reading, doing creative hobbies and browsing the Net to learn things. This is me. My husband, who is an extrovert, loves and accepts me for who I am, which includes not having the social life he does. Your husband’s complaints on this, if you are like me, is an attack on your natural character. If my husband did this, I would be tempted to give him a long list of HIS faults, but that would be equally hurtful and, in my opinion, immature. Instead, I would ask him why is he being so unreasonable, and cruel, and does he want to stay married to me, or not?

Poppyfie1ds · 22/06/2026 17:56

I was prepared to sit on the fence until I heard he calls you thick and stupid. He clearly doesn’t even like you, let alone love you. Leave.

Wall810 · 22/06/2026 17:55

If I was called thick and stupid after all that long list, no way would I stay with him.

phlimsy · 22/06/2026 17:54

Timeforachange2026 · 21/06/2026 12:42

Dh and i have been on the rocks for a while. Had come to heads with a massive argument today and he decided to list all my faults during an argument. Below is the list

Don't pay him enough attention.
Don't mase him feel special enough
Am too soft with the kids
Am too boring. Don't have a social life (came up when he called me an awful wife, said I coukd be worse and be out drinking every night etc and he said ooh imagine if you had a social life)
Work too much (both work full time)
Put the kids before him
Put work before him
Don't do enough around the house (I do the washing, load/unload the dishwasher, do all school drop offs and majority of pick ups bar a few odd days. Also all household admin, bills, appointments etc.)
Never listen...this came from an argument where he was shouting upstairs to our eldest...I wasn't listening as it was a conversation between them and didn't hear my name mentioned...and he got thr hump that I didn't answer

In regards to making him feel special or pay enough attention, not sure what else he expects. We work full time, have two young children and various school activities. He finishes work earlier than me and moans i don't finish work at the time on my WFH days to spend time with him (i'm contracted to 5pm??)

Oh and I don't cook dinner enough.

If someone gave this as a lift of flaws...how would you feel

I haven't commented on an MN post for years, but I couldn't just let this one go by when I saw it in my inbox.

Oh, the poor little man child not getting enough attention 🙄 He's a narcissist, pure and simple. Take it from someone who stayed for 18 years with someone similar and tried to make it work for the childrens' sake...it doesnt get better. I walked out of my own marriage in February and haven't felt this happy, content and satisfied with life in years ❤️

My advice? You walk your fabulous arse out and do things for yourself. You deserve better darling, but I know it's hard, Im under no illusions that it's an easy decision. I promise it's worth it, though, if you can do the bravest thing you'll likely ever do.

Sharptonguedwoman · 22/06/2026 17:54

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 21/06/2026 12:56

Him calling you thick and stupid is the deal breaker. The way you have phrased this suggests he is controlling.

Show quote history

Agreed. Please don’t accept this awful, damaging behaviour.

littlemisspigg · 22/06/2026 17:51

Timeforachange2026 · 21/06/2026 12:42

Dh and i have been on the rocks for a while. Had come to heads with a massive argument today and he decided to list all my faults during an argument. Below is the list

Don't pay him enough attention.
Don't mase him feel special enough
Am too soft with the kids
Am too boring. Don't have a social life (came up when he called me an awful wife, said I coukd be worse and be out drinking every night etc and he said ooh imagine if you had a social life)
Work too much (both work full time)
Put the kids before him
Put work before him
Don't do enough around the house (I do the washing, load/unload the dishwasher, do all school drop offs and majority of pick ups bar a few odd days. Also all household admin, bills, appointments etc.)
Never listen...this came from an argument where he was shouting upstairs to our eldest...I wasn't listening as it was a conversation between them and didn't hear my name mentioned...and he got thr hump that I didn't answer

In regards to making him feel special or pay enough attention, not sure what else he expects. We work full time, have two young children and various school activities. He finishes work earlier than me and moans i don't finish work at the time on my WFH days to spend time with him (i'm contracted to 5pm??)

Oh and I don't cook dinner enough.

If someone gave this as a lift of flaws...how would you feel

Such a fantastic opportunity to have this open and honest conversation, OP!
why don't you give him HIS list as well.
I'm sure it's longer....

Original poster
Timeforachange2026 · 22/06/2026 17:51

So still not talking. Been the better part of 5 days now. If I do ask him a question its meant with a blank stare and him just looking at me and asking me to clarify as hes obviously as thick as I am

Have rearranged some plans this week as its likely the kids school will either shut all day thursday or at least some of it. Got asked why i'm not going in as normal....when i explained that if they shut early and i'm 35 mins drive away there's no point me going in, he threw his hands up going whatever, do what you want

I'm over it all now. Spent the day working out how much i can afford on my own (via Chatgpt) and looking at house in my price range. Need to arrange an appointment with a solicitor this week. And tell Dh!

OP posts:
Totemoneru · 22/06/2026 17:51

Respect should be an absolute cornerstone in a relationship. Love can ebb and flow. There will be good times and bad times. But when you've chosen to be together and care for one another you should be respectful no matter how tough things are. He seems to have no respect for you as a person or what you do. You have every right to feel awful. Maybe it's worth considering how you'd feel if you were treated with respect.

ourSusie · 22/06/2026 16:10

Sartre · 22/06/2026 10:25

This reminds me of the guy who went viral years ago for making a spreadsheet of excuses his wife used not to have sex with him. Not sure where men find the audacity.

wasn’t this meant to be funny?

Boreded · 22/06/2026 16:06

Timeforachange2026 · 21/06/2026 23:00

Over whelmed by all the responses but I have ready all of them thank you

The list isn't out of the blue, he had moaned about some of these a few times over the years, I try snd change and do what he wants and then we hace a period where we are ok, i'll do something 'wrong' again and he'll snap and we're back to this. Its a cycle that ee have probably repeated several times now

His friends and family know he can be a difficult person and i'm not saying I am the easiest but I also know when to pick my battles etc. If he leaves a light on in a room or clothes on thr floor i just deal with it. With him its a constant moan and being reminded about it for at least a week.

I have lost count of the number of times I have had plans to go out and had to change them because he has made plans or had to go to work at a weekend and not told me so I have to amend my plans

He jas definitely changed since having the children. He tried to convince me I had post natal anxiety with my first child, sent me to a therapist and everything who was surprised and said i was just a slightly anxious first time mum. With our second i went back to work earlier than I would have liked because I was so anxious that he would try and convince me I had PPA again

He saw i am over protective of the kids as I still like to hold my 5 years olds hand when we walk to/from school (one day he won't want to hold my hand so i'm making the most of it) and that because if one of them falls over or hurts themselves i go and check they are ok i'm smothering them

Please leave this narcissist asap. You deserve better and your children need you to show strength and teach them good boundaries

TheAmberKoala · 22/06/2026 14:01

OP are you more senior / higher earner to him?
Im getting a strong vibe that hes threatened by your work and wants to cut you down to make himself feel better. Ive seen it with friends when the wife has had a promotion or career success.
Id agree with talking things through up to the point where he called you thick. I would absolutely not stay in a marriage with somebody who insults his partner like that.

cobalt123 · 22/06/2026 10:49

I had this for 15 years with an ex. About every 3 to 6 months it would come out how awful they thought I was. I would patch it up and put it down to his mental health. But it never ended. The cycle continues. We eventually broke up but I WISH I had cut my losses much earlier and not spent so many years trying to fit around someone who would never be happy with me. There was a mountain of negativity that had been built up over the years which would never have been possible to shift.

NoisyMonster678 · 22/06/2026 10:33

He is bang out of order with his demands and sounds like he is mean and selfish, as your kids are very young, it is only right that you put them first.

Sartre · 22/06/2026 10:25

This reminds me of the guy who went viral years ago for making a spreadsheet of excuses his wife used not to have sex with him. Not sure where men find the audacity.

Jamlighter · 22/06/2026 10:21

He says you don't have a social life and then "I have lost count of the number of times I have had plans to go out and had to change them because he has made plans or had to go to work at a weekend and not told me so I have to amend my plans" This is abusive and deliberate. You will never be able to do anything right as he will ALWAYS move the goalposts. Leave him, do things your way and never have to worry about his views again. You deserve so much better.

grumpygrape · 22/06/2026 10:01

Just a random thought, it's a sad day when a child is too grown up to hold a parent's hand. What's the first thing they do when they have a boy/girl friend though? Ah, they hold their hand.... 😊

BauhausOfEliott · 22/06/2026 09:58

Timeforachange2026 · 21/06/2026 23:00

Over whelmed by all the responses but I have ready all of them thank you

The list isn't out of the blue, he had moaned about some of these a few times over the years, I try snd change and do what he wants and then we hace a period where we are ok, i'll do something 'wrong' again and he'll snap and we're back to this. Its a cycle that ee have probably repeated several times now

His friends and family know he can be a difficult person and i'm not saying I am the easiest but I also know when to pick my battles etc. If he leaves a light on in a room or clothes on thr floor i just deal with it. With him its a constant moan and being reminded about it for at least a week.

I have lost count of the number of times I have had plans to go out and had to change them because he has made plans or had to go to work at a weekend and not told me so I have to amend my plans

He jas definitely changed since having the children. He tried to convince me I had post natal anxiety with my first child, sent me to a therapist and everything who was surprised and said i was just a slightly anxious first time mum. With our second i went back to work earlier than I would have liked because I was so anxious that he would try and convince me I had PPA again

He saw i am over protective of the kids as I still like to hold my 5 years olds hand when we walk to/from school (one day he won't want to hold my hand so i'm making the most of it) and that because if one of them falls over or hurts themselves i go and check they are ok i'm smothering them

This man is seriously abusive. This is textbook emotional abuse / coercive control.

PetiteParakeet · 22/06/2026 09:49

Marie Kondo him. This man does not spark joy.

IslandAdventure · 22/06/2026 09:38

Timeforachange2026 · 21/06/2026 23:00

Over whelmed by all the responses but I have ready all of them thank you

The list isn't out of the blue, he had moaned about some of these a few times over the years, I try snd change and do what he wants and then we hace a period where we are ok, i'll do something 'wrong' again and he'll snap and we're back to this. Its a cycle that ee have probably repeated several times now

His friends and family know he can be a difficult person and i'm not saying I am the easiest but I also know when to pick my battles etc. If he leaves a light on in a room or clothes on thr floor i just deal with it. With him its a constant moan and being reminded about it for at least a week.

I have lost count of the number of times I have had plans to go out and had to change them because he has made plans or had to go to work at a weekend and not told me so I have to amend my plans

He jas definitely changed since having the children. He tried to convince me I had post natal anxiety with my first child, sent me to a therapist and everything who was surprised and said i was just a slightly anxious first time mum. With our second i went back to work earlier than I would have liked because I was so anxious that he would try and convince me I had PPA again

He saw i am over protective of the kids as I still like to hold my 5 years olds hand when we walk to/from school (one day he won't want to hold my hand so i'm making the most of it) and that because if one of them falls over or hurts themselves i go and check they are ok i'm smothering them

Gaslighting prick!!

Go back to see a counsellor. Not to fix yourself but to decide whether this is a healthy relationship and if not what you are you going to do.

Im in the LTB camp though. He is not a kind person and had treated you horribly. It’s abusive by the sound of it.

TimeForTeaAndG · 22/06/2026 00:00

To convince you of having PPA is disgusting. What a horrible man.

My 13yo DD still holds my hand, you keep holding your DS for as long as he wants you to!

Screamingabdabz · 21/06/2026 23:58

Every one of your posts is imbued with desperation and justification to try and meet this man’s approval op. Don’t. Just drop the rope.

You don’t need his approval to hold your child’s hand. You don’t need to meet his list of demands. You don’t need to pick his clothes up.

Please see a solicitor, get your arrangements in place, then divorce him. For the sake of your children if not yourself. Save them from this abusive dynamic that they currently think is the normal way for men and women to live. It isn’t.