AIBU to feel hurt by my husband's list of faults?

As an Indian / Asian it is much much harder

im 55 male seeking my forever after again! Lady one decided she wanted the neighbour so we divorced.

based on my experiences and research etc…

Most women seem to specify they are looking for eg female is say 35 and her profile states male 25 - 36, or if the female is 45 states male aged 37 - 45 ie same age or younger or maybe a year older but 7 or ten years younger etc especially on places like Shaadi etc. nobody seems to value older guys anymore! I’m told al is always I look 45 so 10 years younger and recently I’ve been getting 48,49 etc but I’m shedding the extra stone so 🤞🏽.

also the apps - don’t take my word for it, feel free to research yourself or inbox me and I will dig out the links to my research etc apps are racially profiling and working against people of ethnicity. And it’s twice as hard if you are an Indian male than it is for an Indian female and even for Indian females all the big websites and I’m talking bumble tinder OKCupid match POF and many others! Even of Indian females it is about 90 times harder than for Caucasian females! So us poor Indian guys are screwed I’ve been on and off sites for ten years and then give up then try again etc etc.

then there is the racial prejudices and biases or as they are known racial preferences! But to me personally it makes no sense to call it anything else! A Caucasian man doesn’t mind dating an Indian females as much as a Caucasian female “prefers” lol …not to date an Indian guy!

so again guys like me who would date Caucasian or Indian women and tbh have a slight preference of Caucasian females (it’s not racial trust me it’s just a tiny difference) but I would never rule out any race! I just prefer thinner females and at my age my preferences are set to 40+ to 60, but I don’t feel 55 don’t look 55 but do have the maturity and wisdom of someone 70 lol

ive never been unfaithful, even in a 19 year sexless marriage (and by that I mean less than 19 times in 19 years) it is against my morals, my beliefs and my beliefs!

I am old school values with a modern outlook ie if two consenting adults decide on an open marriage, polyamory, etc etc it’s fine as long as it’s an honest relationship with zero lies! It’s that simples!

I’ve been single for 11 years and not had intercourse in 20! I’ve had a couple of opportunities but I would have had to lie about my feelings and say I loved her, I refused to lie and then it turned out she wanted me anyway! So it ended up neither of us getting any intimacy but both wanting it! I broke that one off as I don’t like games and people saying they want one thing but wanting the opposite! lol if you want fwb or casual etc just say it!!!

anyway sorry I digress!

my point being that having had to fight at school every day for racism, having bricks through our windows at least every month or two been told I’m ugly by my closest (Pakistani) friends from age 14 to about 22, then having been told the same words by my now ex wife from about 28 to about 44 confidence is low! Very very low! Plus my preference of skinny or thin/average sized women (partly due to my mild macromastophobia) 🤷🏽‍♂️🤷🏽‍♂️🤷🏽‍♂️ I don’t think I’m ugly but I do think women don’t find me attractive (due to dating sites and the racial stereotypes, preferences and biases of the women eg if you don’t tick the Indian or Asian box on the dating or hookup or casual dating etc etc site then Indians and Asians will not come up in your match results for you to swipe on!) And based on having read that for an Indian guy to stand an equal chance as his Caucasian counterpart he would have to swipe around 150 women for every 1 swipe the counterpart swiped. And that is based on blind swiping! Without looking to see if you find them attractive! So factor that in and that explains why after 1 million+ swipes and having met around 20 or so ladies (and finding 18 of them weird and or messed up and two decent females it explains why I am still single! Anyway my point is don’t rely on dating sites like I did! I had no choice because I have very low confidence due to those aforementioned traumas etc. I wish you luck and if you can please say a prayer for me… To not die having NEVER been loved by a good woman!.

I said you are being unreasonable but only unreasonable to want to be with this absolute self Important man child. Who is he to say what you can and can’t do? Get a sitter on a Saturday and go out with friends/family (not him) or colleagues. Build a life without him. Arrange play dates with your kids and other parents. Show him you’re doing just fine.

I would reply “‘Thank you for telling me how useless I am It’s the perfect way to make someone feel great.

Would it surprise you to know you are not perfect either? I can match your list in fact but i would like to remember we once loved each other.
If you think our marriage is worth saving we should talk,

What else you say depends on your situation. In my experience- and I have had 3 marriages and other long relationships (I’m very old) a high percentage of marriages fail because of sex or it’s absence.

This OP. Don't speak to him till you have a clear plan and get financial evidence of bills incomes etc. don't be screwed over. You're not thick nows the time to show how smart you are. Protect yourself.
Good luck. It's not an easy road. Look after yourself.x

He is ridiculous. To be honest, I'd leave telling him until you're walking out the door (or booting him out!) He is spiteful and he'll just try to sabotage you otherwise!

I'm so sorry but I think you'll be so much happier when he's no longer dragging you down.

Also play your cards close to your chest. Do not give him any information as to what you are thinking or doing.
Knowledge is power. Deny him that.

He must feel he holds all the cards if he is talking to you like that. Time to take back control of your own life. Don't go nuclear, stay silent and get out of there. There a line that shouldnt be crossed and he is literally MILES over it.
Take. Back. Control.

I'd list all his and then get divorced.

I'm so pleased to hear this.

This man is just... a shit man, basically.

@Timeforachange2026
Please get everything sorted before telling him. Get solid legal advice and a plan.
Pay deposits, hire movers, etc. get a legal separation with custody demand or arrangement written. Do not give him a heads up on anything. Get your tribe together so you have support. Make sure you have people you can trust to help you with loyalty to you. Don't tell anyone until everything is in place and you are ready to go. Frankly, I'd move out with the kids after he's gone to work and leave his copy of the legal papers on the table for him when he gets home. Be smart.

I haven’t read all the comments op but I’ve read your updates. I had the exact same list from my ex husband, almost word for word. Only it was over the course of a few months. It turns out he was cheating on me. He also became emotionally and financially abusive after we had our children. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk. I highly recommend you reach out to women’s aid and plan your escape in secret. Men like this turn nasty quickly once they realise you’re leaving them, because they view you and their children as a possession. It’s ok for them to discard you, but not for you to leave. Don’t let him know your plans until you’re ready, seek legal advice early. A happier life is waiting for you if you leave him, I promise.

I'd feel hurt and couldn't stand breathing the same air, never mind living together. It's a good job he's amazing and makes you feel special, otherwise he's a massive twat, isn't he. What a shit he is. Ask him to be kinder, look after you or is it all about him. Selfish knob.

What a dick!! You can do so much better than this knobhead.

Get yourself to the solicitors and enjoy life again.

I did and don't regret it one bit! And the kids were so much more relaxed when they started living in a home that wasn't having silence all the time from him. That was 13 years ago, and I'm now with a lovely man, who treats me right, doenst criticise me, helps me when I'm stuck, explains things I don't understand and listens to me! Don't get me wrong we have our moments but they're literally that- a moment. Not 2 weeks and silenc and being called a c**t.

All of this.

Holding my hands up here, I have not read the entire thread.

I have read all the OPs posts though, and omg how have you managed to not bury him under the patio yet?

Kick him to the curb girl, this is not someone you want to spend any more time with. He is systematically brow beating you down to become the little woman who can't speak or act for herself. You will 100% be better off without this troll in a husband suit.

Hugs and best wishes, and stay strong. He can't destroy you if you dont let him.

I am sorry to read this. It must have been very hard. All of us in couples have to deal with many, many compromises. A big decision for you is whether you want to try and fix this. And of course, this means in a calm moment asking him if he also wants to fix this. Counselling will help enormously, whether individually or together. Try not to dwell on all the negativity, since he obviously loved you deeply once, and maybe still does. Things can flare up suddenly, and he may not mean it? Take a breath, try and think. and then make some moves. I wish you luck x

I never understand why someone calls a partner thick?
As in thick enough to have picked a man like this as a partner/spouse?
They are really insulting themselves.
Imagine a man saying God my friends are rank as well as stupid, I mean clearly, picking me as a mate just confirms it?

Please divorce this manbaby

You sound like a great and responsible person! YANBU, OP 💖

This is the "script" op. Look it up. He's positioning himself as the poor neglected husband to gain sympathy from family when he starts a narrative the second you sling him out he's also using the script because he's a coward and has had his head turned but wont be the one to end thing. Leave asap and start your own narrative of the truth to whoever will listen because he will make you out to be a monster

You're in the wrong job. What she needs is to leave this selfish pig and reclaim her life.

Relieved to read this. You will be so happy and peaceful without this awful person, I promise you!

Divorce him.

This man doesn’t even like you. He sounds like a knobhead. I am sure you will be far happier living separately from him.

"It came out of nowhere"
🙄

@Timeforachange2026 I wish you every success in getting away from him.