AIBU to feel hurt by my husband's list of faults?

Also to add...he moans i don't have a social life. But he goes out every Saturday for his sporting event so I have to work around that.

He says I can't talk to people as all i do is stare at a computer all day, but when he calls me thick and stupid because I do something differently to how he does (there's not two ways of doing something in his mind, there is his way or the wrong way) I don't really want to talk to people as i'm worried he will complain about what i say

NC as could be outing with previous threads.

Has he got time for a second family as you could be describing my DH, except he rarely does dinner and if he does its banana sandwich or cheese and crackers.

Things I do wrong,
I don't close the curtains properly.
I stir tea wrong,
I don't do enough housework, except I'm not supposed to do housework when he wants to spend time with me. I'm not even allowed to wash up if he's waiting to go to bed.

I'm not a sexy wife any more
I put our DC first
I don't pay into the household expenses (I've paid nursery fees since DC was 8m).
I don't talk loud enough, andI use the wrong tone.
I criticise everything he does, I hear this even if I haven't spoken a word.
I pack too much when we go away, probably true but he doesn't actually give me any time to.pack for me and Dc so I just chuck things in bags.
I don't remember every detail about a film ( I probably slept through) 4 years ago.
I don't listen (I do try).
I don't tell him enough about my life
I don't want his preferred type of intimacy.

Will I leave him, probably not bc I believe he is a better influence on our DC than no father and I don't have any other male family representatives. But dear G, its a tough gig OP.

Nobody on this thread is ever going to want to go to marriage counselling if this is how they would be treated. He calls her stupid and thick and you say she needs to listen to him moaning that she won't stop work before her finish time to pay the man child some attention. Absolutely disgusting attitude to a woman who is clearly being emotionally abused by a narcissist.

OP, I would recommend speaking to Women's Aid as he is abusing you, even if not physically, and they can offer you advice and support. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I'm a marriage therapist and I really think you both need marriage counseling. He's telling you something is wrong.

I wish every man and woman knew that something like 60% of couples have a significant dip in marital satisfaction with small kids.

The biggest flag is he feels you put everything, even work, in front of him. He's saying he needs you. It's a shitty delivery, but that's the underlying message.

As parents, you two need to be Hella united. Get united. He's going to have to give as well because there's a near zero chance he doesn't have his own hand in things going sideways.

Dh and i have been on the rocks for a while. Had come to heads with a massive argument today and he decided to list all my faults during an argument. Below is the list

Don't pay him enough attention.
Don't mase him feel special enough
Am too soft with the kids
Am too boring. Don't have a social life (came up when he called me an awful wife, said I coukd be worse and be out drinking every night etc and he said ooh imagine if you had a social life)
Work too much (both work full time)
Put the kids before him
Put work before him
Don't do enough around the house (I do the washing, load/unload the dishwasher, do all school drop offs and majority of pick ups bar a few odd days. Also all household admin, bills, appointments etc.)
Never listen...this came from an argument where he was shouting upstairs to our eldest...I wasn't listening as it was a conversation between them and didn't hear my name mentioned...and he got thr hump that I didn't answer

In regards to making him feel special or pay enough attention, not sure what else he expects. We work full time, have two young children and various school activities. He finishes work earlier than me and moans i don't finish work at the time on my WFH days to spend time with him (i'm contracted to 5pm??)

Oh and I don't cook dinner enough.

If someone gave this as a lift of flaws...how would you feel

As an Indian / Asian it is much much harder

im 55 male seeking my forever after again! Lady one decided she wanted the neighbour so we divorced.

based on my experiences and research etc…

Most women seem to specify they are looking for eg female is say 35 and her profile states male 25 - 36, or if the female is 45 states male aged 37 - 45 ie same age or younger or maybe a year older but 7 or ten years younger etc especially on places like Shaadi etc. nobody seems to value older guys anymore! I’m told al is always I look 45 so 10 years younger and recently I’ve been getting 48,49 etc but I’m shedding the extra stone so 🤞🏽.

also the apps - don’t take my word for it, feel free to research yourself or inbox me and I will dig out the links to my research etc apps are racially profiling and working against people of ethnicity. And it’s twice as hard if you are an Indian male than it is for an Indian female and even for Indian females all the big websites and I’m talking bumble tinder OKCupid match POF and many others! Even of Indian females it is about 90 times harder than for Caucasian females! So us poor Indian guys are screwed I’ve been on and off sites for ten years and then give up then try again etc etc.

then there is the racial prejudices and biases or as they are known racial preferences! But to me personally it makes no sense to call it anything else! A Caucasian man doesn’t mind dating an Indian females as much as a Caucasian female “prefers” lol …not to date an Indian guy!

so again guys like me who would date Caucasian or Indian women and tbh have a slight preference of Caucasian females (it’s not racial trust me it’s just a tiny difference) but I would never rule out any race! I just prefer thinner females and at my age my preferences are set to 40+ to 60, but I don’t feel 55 don’t look 55 but do have the maturity and wisdom of someone 70 lol

ive never been unfaithful, even in a 19 year sexless marriage (and by that I mean less than 19 times in 19 years) it is against my morals, my beliefs and my beliefs!

I am old school values with a modern outlook ie if two consenting adults decide on an open marriage, polyamory, etc etc it’s fine as long as it’s an honest relationship with zero lies! It’s that simples!

I’ve been single for 11 years and not had intercourse in 20! I’ve had a couple of opportunities but I would have had to lie about my feelings and say I loved her, I refused to lie and then it turned out she wanted me anyway! So it ended up neither of us getting any intimacy but both wanting it! I broke that one off as I don’t like games and people saying they want one thing but wanting the opposite! lol if you want fwb or casual etc just say it!!!

anyway sorry I digress!

my point being that having had to fight at school every day for racism, having bricks through our windows at least every month or two been told I’m ugly by my closest (Pakistani) friends from age 14 to about 22, then having been told the same words by my now ex wife from about 28 to about 44 confidence is low! Very very low! Plus my preference of skinny or thin/average sized women (partly due to my mild macromastophobia) 🤷🏽‍♂️🤷🏽‍♂️🤷🏽‍♂️ I don’t think I’m ugly but I do think women don’t find me attractive (due to dating sites and the racial stereotypes, preferences and biases of the women eg if you don’t tick the Indian or Asian box on the dating or hookup or casual dating etc etc site then Indians and Asians will not come up in your match results for you to swipe on!) And based on having read that for an Indian guy to stand an equal chance as his Caucasian counterpart he would have to swipe around 150 women for every 1 swipe the counterpart swiped. And that is based on blind swiping! Without looking to see if you find them attractive! So factor that in and that explains why after 1 million+ swipes and having met around 20 or so ladies (and finding 18 of them weird and or messed up and two decent females it explains why I am still single! Anyway my point is don’t rely on dating sites like I did! I had no choice because I have very low confidence due to those aforementioned traumas etc. I wish you luck and if you can please say a prayer for me… To not die having NEVER been loved by a good woman!.

I am sorry to read this. It must have been very hard. All of us in couples have to deal with many, many compromises. A big decision for you is whether you want to try and fix this. And of course, this means in a calm moment asking him if he also wants to fix this. Counselling will help enormously, whether individually or together. Try not to dwell on all the negativity, since he obviously loved you deeply once, and maybe still does. Things can flare up suddenly, and he may not mean it? Take a breath, try and think. and then make some moves. I wish you luck x

I am sorry to read this. It must have been very hard. All of us in couples have to deal with many, many compromises. A big decision for you is whether you want to try and fix this. And of course, this means in a calm moment asking him if he also wants to fix this. Counselling will help enormously, whether individually or together. Try not to dwell on all the negativity, since he obviously loved you deeply once, and maybe still does. Things can flare up suddenly, and he may not mean it? Take a breath, try and think. and then make some moves. I wish you luck x

What are his good points?

So still not talking. Been the better part of 5 days now. If I do ask him a question its meant with a blank stare and him just looking at me and asking me to clarify as hes obviously as thick as I am

Have rearranged some plans this week as its likely the kids school will either shut all day thursday or at least some of it. Got asked why i'm not going in as normal....when i explained that if they shut early and i'm 35 mins drive away there's no point me going in, he threw his hands up going whatever, do what you want

I'm over it all now. Spent the day working out how much i can afford on my own (via Chatgpt) and looking at house in my price range. Need to arrange an appointment with a solicitor this week. And tell Dh!

He is an abusive narcissist.

In response I would be returning the favour and presenting him with a list of faults and then tell him the door is there, he is welcome to leave

I would also be putting ducks in a row and starting divorce proceedings

Also to add...he moans i don't have a social life. But he goes out every Saturday for his sporting event so I have to work around that.

He says I can't talk to people as all i do is stare at a computer all day, but when he calls me thick and stupid because I do something differently to how he does (there's not two ways of doing something in his mind, there is his way or the wrong way) I don't really want to talk to people as i'm worried he will complain about what i say