AIBU to feel hurt by my husband's list of faults?

He’s obviously abusive from the things you’ve said - mentally, verbally, and emotionally. He enjoys tying you up in knots so you feel you can never be right.

Ignore anyone saying counselling could help this - it can’t. Counselling can never help with an abusive man, they often even manipulate the counsellor against you.

I think you should start getting yourself ready to leave him.

Join a running club and get him to fit around that and the new social life that will come from it.
See how he likes it

How would I feel? Like it was time to find a BGL (bloody good lawyer). Seriously op, this marriage is done. You will be so much happier without this unpleasant specimen putting you down.

Oh isn't he a charmer!
Firstly, present him with a list of things you don't like about him.
Then leave. ...

Exactly. After showing you his long list of resentment, did he ask for your list? Oh does he assume he is a faultless man god you are meant to worship and be grateful for.

Like a lot of other people on here, I don't see how you can come back from this. Especially, as you've had marriage guidance and said neither of you got anything from it.

Staying with this resentful manchild will grind you down further and chip away at your self esteem to the core. You are already doing the heavy lifting - school drop offs and pick ups, working full time, sorting out house stuff during the day. You will have one less lunch to make in the morning and you can move somewhere that is easier to park.

Nails it. This guy doesn't value you.

Whatever you say is wrong because it isn't about the why, it's just to make you feel like whatever you do is wrong. A power trip for him.

He should be cooking dinner, you appear to be doing everything else. That's not a plus in his column. And parenting his own kids if you are away, we'll yeah that's what dads are supposed to do.

Does he make you feel appreciated, loved? Cos that's what a good partner does.

Hi @Timeforachange2026

Your husband sounds like a controlling, abusive, narcissistic man.

Marriage counselling will not work with such a man, because he thinks everything that's wrong with your marriage is YOUR fault. YOU need to change everything about yourself because YOU are the problem, he is perfect and always right.

This is clearly not the case.

It sounds like the main thing he does is cook dinner - I think you having to cook dinner every night would be a small price to pay for the bliss it would be not to have to live with him.

He calls you thick and stupid.

I would say to him that you are not so thick that you don't realise he's a controlling abusive person, and you're not too stupid to say you've had enough.

Get all the information you need, all the paperwork etc, see a solicitor and file for divorce.

You will not only be protecting yourself from further abuse, but also your children. As they get older he's bound to start criticising them too, because there's his way or the wrong way...

In the meantime, he has Saturdays off for his sporting hobby, so you should start taking Sundays off.
Take yourself off to the gym, or a museum or gallery, or just out for something to eat.
Meet up with a friend, or enjoy the peace of your own company.
And don't tell him anything about what you're doing or where you're going.

You deserve so much more than him, and the life you are currently living.
Make it happen. 💐

Well there's no going back from receiving a list like that, so what do YOU want to happen next?
If you stay you will gradually be apologising more and more for just being 'you'.
He will erode your confidence and grind you down.
However, leaving can seem to be a big and scary step.
At the end of the day it's your life and your choice but, if you really are happy with him, why would you be posting this here?

Reminds me of Ross and Rachel. She gave him a list right back!

I suggest marriage counselling.

"If someone gave this as a lift of flaws...how would you feel"

Furious and sure as shit be giving them a list right back.

Why are you with someone who treats you like this? Why are you passively accepting all this?

I was going to say the same thing. In fact I split up with a boyfriend who thought he was clearly more intelligent than me as he was a secondary teacher and I was a primary teacher. Twat.

OP, you deserve better than a man who doesn't like you or care about you. That list of so-called faults is basically a list of things that he wants to change to make his life easier.

I would start asking myself what amazing qualities this man child had that meant I couldn’t do better on my own.

I disagree,
No-one should ever call their spouse "thick" or "stupid", there is no excuse for that sort of derogatory remark.

Seriously why are you with someone who calls you thick and stupid?

LTB

He is projecting all his crap onto you, you and your kids deserve better.

Is this definitely your husband and not one of your children who isn't being made to feel important enough? I'd tell him things are past the point of no repair and to crack on with divorce and find another mug look for someone he's more compatible with. In fact it sounds like he may have someone in mind already. You deserve better OP.

OP, kindly, it’s not you it’s him, make exit plans as it won’t get any better. Been there & lived through that & still bear emotional scars as I didn’t go soon enough x

Some people want to work on their marriages and can recognise and accept that their spouse has flaws, so I'm sure people would pay for her advice. I'm sure OP has flaws too but that's the thing with MN, you only get one side of the story. Her spouse could post his side of the story and have people telling him that his spouse is the one in the wrong.

I'm a human being and think you are talking a load of crap.

Your husband calls you thick and stupid?

He doesn't like you.

I'd leave him.

It's difficult to know without hearing both sides of the story. On the one hand, he's put some effort into making that list so presumably he believes it to be true; on the other, if you don't see it that way how do you both get past it when you say you're already 'on the rocks'?

Tell him you have found him the perfect Gift for Father's Day, he is leaving or else you will go on strike, so he can find out how little you do... Tell your children that Daddy is in charge as he thinks he can do everything better than you... and ignore everyone. I give it 24 hrs or 48 hrs at the most.

During this period, get your ducks in a row and sort out the financials and make an app't with a solicitor.