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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel hurt by my husband's list of faults?

487 replies

Timeforachange2026 · 21/06/2026 12:42

Dh and i have been on the rocks for a while. Had come to heads with a massive argument today and he decided to list all my faults during an argument. Below is the list

Don't pay him enough attention.
Don't mase him feel special enough
Am too soft with the kids
Am too boring. Don't have a social life (came up when he called me an awful wife, said I coukd be worse and be out drinking every night etc and he said ooh imagine if you had a social life)
Work too much (both work full time)
Put the kids before him
Put work before him
Don't do enough around the house (I do the washing, load/unload the dishwasher, do all school drop offs and majority of pick ups bar a few odd days. Also all household admin, bills, appointments etc.)
Never listen...this came from an argument where he was shouting upstairs to our eldest...I wasn't listening as it was a conversation between them and didn't hear my name mentioned...and he got thr hump that I didn't answer

In regards to making him feel special or pay enough attention, not sure what else he expects. We work full time, have two young children and various school activities. He finishes work earlier than me and moans i don't finish work at the time on my WFH days to spend time with him (i'm contracted to 5pm??)

Oh and I don't cook dinner enough.

If someone gave this as a lift of flaws...how would you feel

OP posts:
Speakeasier · 21/06/2026 21:04

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 21/06/2026 13:58

Do people actually pay you for giving them advice like this?

I know it’s scary.

JassyRadlett · 21/06/2026 21:01

ReflectiveGilet · 21/06/2026 20:53

Who is clicking she is unreasonable??

The self-styled marriage counsellors, disturbingly.

Isometimeswonder · 21/06/2026 21:01

What would I say?
Goodbye!

BeardySchnauzer · 21/06/2026 21:00

Blomama · 21/06/2026 20:31

Is he actually unsatisfied with your sexual relationship and coming up with this list instead that actually means "I want more sex"?

If that’s the problem then calling her thick and expecting her to apologies for not doing things his way and whinging whenever he has to do something and sucking out of school pick up to have a nap isn’t going to help

jetlag92 · 21/06/2026 20:59

OP sometimes marriages come to an end and it sounds as if your has. You'll probably be much happier without him.

youngwhippersnapper · 21/06/2026 20:55

What a horrible little man he is.

ReflectiveGilet · 21/06/2026 20:53

Who is clicking she is unreasonable??

Ewg9 · 21/06/2026 20:51

Not sure if it's helpful to look at it this way but he's told you what he really thinks and shown his true colours in how he sees you. It is very hurtful what he's said and he doesn't sound very supportive or understanding of you as his wife and the stresses and strains you have. His words are demeaning, disrespectful and spiteful, really sorry OP. Do you have good family support because he sounds like a royal arse!

TheYorkshirePudding · 21/06/2026 20:47

worldshottestmom · 21/06/2026 12:54

Any man that wants you to put him before your own kids is not one worth being with. When are you divorcing him? I'd be on the phone first thing in the morning, and make sure he can hear.

This.

Whatifitallgoesright · 21/06/2026 20:37

How long have you heen together?

What was life like for you when you started seeing him?

IslandAdventure · 21/06/2026 20:36

BeeCucumber · 21/06/2026 18:23

I hope you don’t charge for this advice.

I hope they are not a marriage counsellor!! This man’s behaviour is abusive and a marriage counsellor should be calling it out.

Therealjudgejudy · 21/06/2026 20:33

Life's too short. Divorce the condescending prick.

Hankunamatata · 21/06/2026 20:31

He calls you thick and stupid and mocks you. If be done for that alone

Blomama · 21/06/2026 20:31

Timeforachange2026 · 21/06/2026 12:42

Dh and i have been on the rocks for a while. Had come to heads with a massive argument today and he decided to list all my faults during an argument. Below is the list

Don't pay him enough attention.
Don't mase him feel special enough
Am too soft with the kids
Am too boring. Don't have a social life (came up when he called me an awful wife, said I coukd be worse and be out drinking every night etc and he said ooh imagine if you had a social life)
Work too much (both work full time)
Put the kids before him
Put work before him
Don't do enough around the house (I do the washing, load/unload the dishwasher, do all school drop offs and majority of pick ups bar a few odd days. Also all household admin, bills, appointments etc.)
Never listen...this came from an argument where he was shouting upstairs to our eldest...I wasn't listening as it was a conversation between them and didn't hear my name mentioned...and he got thr hump that I didn't answer

In regards to making him feel special or pay enough attention, not sure what else he expects. We work full time, have two young children and various school activities. He finishes work earlier than me and moans i don't finish work at the time on my WFH days to spend time with him (i'm contracted to 5pm??)

Oh and I don't cook dinner enough.

If someone gave this as a lift of flaws...how would you feel

Is he actually unsatisfied with your sexual relationship and coming up with this list instead that actually means "I want more sex"?

HotGazpacho · 21/06/2026 20:29

He’s an abusive twat. Why would you waste your one precious life on living like this?

2Hot2Handle · 21/06/2026 20:29

It’s unlikely that you’ll be able to work out what he truly wants and needs to fix the relationship for you both. You’re focusing on the practicalities of fixing the things he’s listed, but you should also be looking at whether he’s meeting your needs and call him out on some of this, along the lines of…

”What are some of the things you’d say you do for me, to make me feel special, that I’m not doing for you?”

”What would you like me to do, to be more social and what would you be willing to do to accommodate that? Would it work if we alternate Saturdays, so that we both have time away from the kids and home to be something we’d like?”

If he’s willing to discuss how you can make changes together, he’s probably fighting for the marriage. If he just wants to complain about the problems, he might be justifying wanting out.

Linnty · 21/06/2026 20:27

I had that. A whole list of my apparent faults. I left and divorced him

Pinkdayss · 21/06/2026 20:24

He is a nasty prick.
Time to seriously look at your options.

Stop trying at all.
Focus on yourself.

He's not worth it.

ChaliceinWonderland · 21/06/2026 20:21

As previous said, this is destroying your self confidence
Tomorrow call as olicitor make a plan together away.

likeafishneedsabike · 21/06/2026 20:11

Anyahyacinth · 21/06/2026 18:48

I'm sorry ...but trying to destroy someone as a call for help? Nonsense

He is an abuser...you don't take that to joint therapy...you get safely away

Such dangerous thinking in your post

Marriage counsellor straight from Gilead, mate.

Sausages123456 · 21/06/2026 20:10

I'm sorry he treats you like this. Please try to find the strength to leave. I was in a similar situation and I cannot tell you how happy I am now I am rid of him x

likeafishneedsabike · 21/06/2026 20:06

ChicJoker · 21/06/2026 17:39

Going against the grain here, if that list is true I’d say he’s right.

I read again as if it were a man, if all you do around the house is wash clothes and load the dishwasher then I agree that’s not enough.

i haven’t rtft but I don’t see any mention of equal split of cooking, housework, etc. a relationship needs both parties to invest in each other. It sounds like your husband is fed up with the monotonous day to day life with 0 time for each other (by the sounds of it you DO prioritise everything else).

you’d both be better off single

Don’t go against the grain if you haven’t read the thread. If you can’t be arsed, just read the OP’s updates. If you don’t, your contribution isn’t helpful to OP because you don’t have the full information.

Mydogisagentleman · 21/06/2026 20:06

Haven't read the whole thread, but your DH is a dick.
I've been in Spain for 11 weeks now, I leave next Saturday.
I have decided that on Wednesday or Thursday I am going to tell mine that after 39 years of marriage. I want to separate.

Dancingintherain09 · 21/06/2026 20:04

There's a Facebook page called healing by numbers. Athe lovely lady is a survivor of abuse, she explains how emotional abuse and coersive control are slowly drip-drip-drip, until you dont even know how bad it is happening to you.

Dancingintherain09 · 21/06/2026 19:58

Timeforachange2026 · 21/06/2026 12:53

Also to add...he moans i don't have a social life. But he goes out every Saturday for his sporting event so I have to work around that.

He says I can't talk to people as all i do is stare at a computer all day, but when he calls me thick and stupid because I do something differently to how he does (there's not two ways of doing something in his mind, there is his way or the wrong way) I don't really want to talk to people as i'm worried he will complain about what i say

OP he sounds abusive, and a bit of a cockwomble. Maybe start listing all his flaws too, see if Mr Perfect likes it.