Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have bought a father's day present for teenage stepsons?

65 replies

Costelloviber · 21/06/2026 08:29

DSS are 15 and 17. They are nice kids but have no expectations from either parent to really contribute anything - no housework, no basic being responsible for their own things etc. We all get on well and normally I can accept that it doesn't really impact me (DH cleans up after them and does the leg work of packing their school stuff and driving back and fore to their mum's when they - continually - forget stuff) and just get on with it. They are typical teenagers and don't get up until after lunch at weekends.

Today is father's day and I haven't bought anything from them. I asked them yesterday if they'd got a card but they both shrugged and said no, like why should it be their problem. I think they're too old to have me source, buy, wrap and give a present that they won't even acknowledge - and their answer pretty much confirmed that - so I left it.

I'll do breakfast in bed for him and cards from the little ones but they won't be up for some hours after we've done that so they'll miss it all anyway.

I feel torn really, should I have done it for DH's sake (not entirely sure he'll be too fussed but you never know) or is that just perpetuating the expectation? If they'd asked I would have gotten them a card at least, but there was absolutely zero from them when I mentioned it, as there is every Christmas, birthday etc.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 21/06/2026 12:29

If they were younger, yes, you could help, but at 15 and 17, the can get on with it themselves or not. You asked, they answered no, and if your husband is upset, this is on him. If you get stuff, what they learn is the woman makes the effort so you're just perpetuating sexist attitudes.

crystalmamma · 21/06/2026 12:24

Every family is different but I helped my step son (21) choose his dads present, I ordered and paid for half of my sons (19) dads presents and I paid for my daughter (12) to buy all the ingredients so she can make her dad a Father’s Day meal with her grandad. Of course I want to help them out but more so I want the dads to know how special they are. There are so many dads that don’t step up, do the bare minimum etc Good dads deserve the best on Father’s Day and I have no issue stepping up to make sure they receive it.

Ghht · 21/06/2026 12:15

I used to put aside some of my Christmas and birthday money every year to buy my single mum a gift on mother’s day/Christmas/her birthday. It would be something cheap (£5 ish- this was from 2011 onwards), but it was something at least. I did this from age 12 with no prompting as there was no dad in the picture. Kids are more than capable of being considerate on their own and taking some personal responsibility. The 17 year old needing help for this is laughable.

Desperatelyseekinglazysusan · 21/06/2026 12:07

SwitchUpTime · 21/06/2026 08:55

I organise the present for my DC, 15 and 17, to give their Dad. I usually do this so that my DH gets a decent present, something he needs, rather than wasting money on cheap tat or chocolate he won’t eat.

My kids are of course happy with this arrangement and do ask if I’ve sorted it. So the thought is there but not the effort. They would be angry with me though if there was nothing to give their DF as he does so much for them.

@Costelloviber if you can, dash out to pick something up for them to give, they need to learn to show their appreciation to their dad. You’ll be helping them to learn - not to forget Father’s Day - for the future when they no longer live at home and have you on hand to help.

But the thing is, will they learn anything if OP just goes out and gets something? Probably all they will learn is that someone else will sort it out so why should they bother? The DH has stuff from his younger children so he won't sit there with nothing.

MinnieCauldwell · 21/06/2026 12:01

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 21/06/2026 08:36

I would have taken them to the shop to choose cards! Especially as the younger ones had got stuff for him.

Why would you take a 15 and a 17 year old to the shops? Its totally infantalising. Different if they were 5 and 7

Hotandpointy · 21/06/2026 12:01

That is pretty pathetic tbh. You reminded them and that’s the most you should have to do at that age.

My DS was reminded and decided where he wanted to go, I took him, he bought gifts. I took him to the supermarket yesterday and he selected items for a picnic he wants to take DH on, I did nothing but pay.
He made a card, wrapped gifts and they are off on picnic together. My DS is 9.

WhatALotOfAFussAboutNothing · 21/06/2026 11:53

Everyone in this thread saying they’ve had to remind / buy for their teenagers makes me worry for society, Why are kids now so selfish that they can’t buy their own card / gift and seem to think they don’t need to?!

StarPyjamas · 21/06/2026 11:48

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 21/06/2026 08:36

I would have taken them to the shop to choose cards! Especially as the younger ones had got stuff for him.

And then to the toilet to wipe their arses for them?

YANBU OP although I wouldn't have left it until the actual day to make any changes to what you've always done.

Original poster
Costelloviber · 21/06/2026 11:45

Anxioustealady · 21/06/2026 11:09

Maybe not normal but very common, where kids aren't taught to do things and then they're berated for not doing them as they get older.

I don't think it's OPs job to teach them to do these things either, but it was her husband's and their mother's. So if she thinks badly of anyone, it should be them.

My only concern would be if you want to teach your children to do things differently, it's hard when they have half siblings who aren't a good example.

Show quote history

I agree. I am going to make a bit more conscious effort to let the younger kids know they are expected to be part of gift giving, not just recieving. And in a few years I will step it up from 'what shall we get Daddy' to 'what do you want to get him'. I think this is possibly the step that went missing for my DSSs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Costelloviber · 21/06/2026 11:41

Anxioustealady · 21/06/2026 10:37

You're being so negative about your stepsons.

They stay in bed late - like most teenagers

They don't do housework - if neither of their parents has shown them how and given them responsibilities, they aren't just going to start now. They probably aren't that comfortable in your home so why would they just start cleaning things? It's your husband and his ex's fault they don't do anything, not a character flaw of the children.

They don't buy gifts. Again, if they haven't been taught thats normal by their parents, they won't do it. Do they even have their own money?

I feel sorry for them they have to stay with someone who thinks so badly of them, when they're just being normal teens.

Show quote history

I wasn't going to reply to this but I will just clear things up. I haven't been negative about them, just factual. I like my step sons a great deal and we have a very good relationship. Their parents do the parenting as they see fit and that leaves room for us to just get along.

They feel very comfortable in our house, don't worry about that. They're here with us a lot of the time, and are welcome whenever they choose - which they often take up. They also have plenty of their own money.

They are like loads of other teenagers in many respects that's true, but my question was whether I, personally, continue to facilitate the lazier side of being a teenager or whether to let them face their own consequences. They will stop being teenagers in only a few years - at what point do you think they should take some initiative?

OP posts:
Original poster
Costelloviber · 21/06/2026 11:20

cakeisallyouneed · 21/06/2026 10:44

I agree with you OP that you may be powerless at this point. I know many parents take the line that if they demonstrate thoughtfulness, their children will copy them or pick it up by some sort of osmosis. Perhaps this works in some cases. But my experience has been that my kids had to be taught. I started around 10/11 transferring the responsibility for Father’s Day gifts. Starting with them picking a gift with me, keeping it in his room and giving it from him. Now my 15yo doesn’t need asking. It’s only something from the corner shop of course but he knows it’s expected. Same for Christmas and birthdays. If I hadn’t done this, and I suddenly dropped this on him at 15 I would definitely expect resistance!

I do worry that this is where I'm being unreasonable. To have expected them to get something when they've not had to before. That's why I said yesterday - and was prepared to get something, or help them to get something, if they'd wanted. But their total lack of interest threw me a bit so I didn't push it.

OP posts:
Anxioustealady · 21/06/2026 11:09

phoenixrosehere · 21/06/2026 11:00

I wouldn’t call this behaviour normal for many families of teenagers or OP being negative, only stating the facts.

Nowhere does she say they are horrible.

It isn’t really on you, OP to teach your stepsons especially at the age they are, it was on their parents.

I wouldn’t do anything and from the read of things, your DH likely doesn’t expect anything either from them.

Show quote history

Maybe not normal but very common, where kids aren't taught to do things and then they're berated for not doing them as they get older.

I don't think it's OPs job to teach them to do these things either, but it was her husband's and their mother's. So if she thinks badly of anyone, it should be them.

My only concern would be if you want to teach your children to do things differently, it's hard when they have half siblings who aren't a good example.

phoenixrosehere · 21/06/2026 11:00

Anxioustealady · 21/06/2026 10:37

You're being so negative about your stepsons.

They stay in bed late - like most teenagers

They don't do housework - if neither of their parents has shown them how and given them responsibilities, they aren't just going to start now. They probably aren't that comfortable in your home so why would they just start cleaning things? It's your husband and his ex's fault they don't do anything, not a character flaw of the children.

They don't buy gifts. Again, if they haven't been taught thats normal by their parents, they won't do it. Do they even have their own money?

I feel sorry for them they have to stay with someone who thinks so badly of them, when they're just being normal teens.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t call this behaviour normal for many families of teenagers or OP being negative, only stating the facts.

Nowhere does she say they are horrible.

It isn’t really on you, OP to teach your stepsons especially at the age they are, it was on their parents.

I wouldn’t do anything and from the read of things, your DH likely doesn’t expect anything either from them.

cakeisallyouneed · 21/06/2026 10:44

I agree with you OP that you may be powerless at this point. I know many parents take the line that if they demonstrate thoughtfulness, their children will copy them or pick it up by some sort of osmosis. Perhaps this works in some cases. But my experience has been that my kids had to be taught. I started around 10/11 transferring the responsibility for Father’s Day gifts. Starting with them picking a gift with me, keeping it in his room and giving it from him. Now my 15yo doesn’t need asking. It’s only something from the corner shop of course but he knows it’s expected. Same for Christmas and birthdays. If I hadn’t done this, and I suddenly dropped this on him at 15 I would definitely expect resistance!

Anxioustealady · 21/06/2026 10:37

Costelloviber · 21/06/2026 10:01

They don't do anything for mother's day (I mean I'm pretty sure they don't but am obviously not there. If they do I'd guarantee it's because their stepfather buys it from them). The relationship between them all is really good, it's not about that really.

They don't do anything for birthdays or christmas - nothing for each other or their parents I mean, I don't think I'd expect them to buy for everyone attending. They see Christmas as them getting gifts, not a time for giving.

I am very definitely expecting the younger children to be involved with the thought behind presents at these times - even though it's me that buys them obviously. But I feel as though I'm fairly powerless in trying to 'teach' DSSs at this point.

Show quote history

You're being so negative about your stepsons.

They stay in bed late - like most teenagers

They don't do housework - if neither of their parents has shown them how and given them responsibilities, they aren't just going to start now. They probably aren't that comfortable in your home so why would they just start cleaning things? It's your husband and his ex's fault they don't do anything, not a character flaw of the children.

They don't buy gifts. Again, if they haven't been taught thats normal by their parents, they won't do it. Do they even have their own money?

I feel sorry for them they have to stay with someone who thinks so badly of them, when they're just being normal teens.

Original poster
Costelloviber · 21/06/2026 10:09

deeahgwitch · 21/06/2026 09:14

“…… I suppose if DH is upset then maybe he needs to look at why they didn’t do anything, not why I didn’t do anything…”

This 💯 @Costelloviber
You reap what you sow and if the boys haven’t been taught about consideration for others by their parents, well they won’t be very considerate will they.
They come across from your post as spoiled, “little emperor” type children. How do they treat their half siblings ?
On the other hand perhaps they just don’t like their Dad and his new family but have to go along with it as they are not yet financially independent.

They're not bad kids at all, and there's no problems in terms of our family set up. They're just very... 'unbothered' personalities is probably how I'd word it - which is great in a lot of ways as they are easy-going, pleasant people. But I feel that's a very privileged position to be in and the downside is that can often translate into being lazy with other people's feelings. They kind of just expect things that are given to them and it's not that they're UNgrateful but the thought of saying thank you for anything except a direct present (like a meal out or an activity) is a bit alien to them.

I don't know if it's my place to try and change that - or indeed I even can at this stage!

OP posts:
Original poster
Costelloviber · 21/06/2026 10:01

TheBloomingDahlia · 21/06/2026 09:29

They are old enough to buy their own presents and if DH is disappointed he can express that to them not you. Even if the relationship is not good, it’s up their own parents to remind them. Do they usually they get their mum anything for Mother’s Day?

They don't do anything for mother's day (I mean I'm pretty sure they don't but am obviously not there. If they do I'd guarantee it's because their stepfather buys it from them). The relationship between them all is really good, it's not about that really.

They don't do anything for birthdays or christmas - nothing for each other or their parents I mean, I don't think I'd expect them to buy for everyone attending. They see Christmas as them getting gifts, not a time for giving.

I am very definitely expecting the younger children to be involved with the thought behind presents at these times - even though it's me that buys them obviously. But I feel as though I'm fairly powerless in trying to 'teach' DSSs at this point.

OP posts:
getsomehelp · 21/06/2026 09:50

I would have thought it was their mother’s responsibility to have reminded them.
depending on the relationship between the birth parents ?
You tried, they weren’t bothered

Nutmuncher · 21/06/2026 09:32

If neither of their parents have instilled any sense of awareness into them then what can you do? It’s not your fault, a few more years then they’ll be no longer interested in coming to stay so just hold on until then 😅

TheBloomingDahlia · 21/06/2026 09:29

They are old enough to buy their own presents and if DH is disappointed he can express that to them not you. Even if the relationship is not good, it’s up their own parents to remind them. Do they usually they get their mum anything for Mother’s Day?

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 21/06/2026 09:28

Yanbu, I had the same situation with DSC as teens. They’re old enough sort it themselves. If you don’t teach them that no one is going to do everything for them, no one will.

Tbh nothing changed with DSC, they are useless young adults, but that’s not my problem. That’s how their parents raised them.

whiteroseredrose · 21/06/2026 09:26

Mine had to be reminded but sorted cards themselves from about10. So no. They are responsible.

socks1107 · 21/06/2026 09:20

Yanbu. They are more than old enough.
i stopped for my sd at 15 when she got pocket money, she’s never bothered and she’s 20 now. My dh is so hurt every year but I’m not mopping up after an adult

gingercat02 · 21/06/2026 09:18

They must pass a corner shop somewhere in their lives, a card and a box of chocolates would have been fine. Lazy!

deeahgwitch · 21/06/2026 09:14

“…… I suppose if DH is upset then maybe he needs to look at why they didn’t do anything, not why I didn’t do anything…”

This 💯 @Costelloviber
You reap what you sow and if the boys haven’t been taught about consideration for others by their parents, well they won’t be very considerate will they.
They come across from your post as spoiled, “little emperor” type children. How do they treat their half siblings ?
On the other hand perhaps they just don’t like their Dad and his new family but have to go along with it as they are not yet financially independent.