Should I have bought a father's day present for teenage stepsons?

Spot on. Very selfish to accept presents but never buy so much as a card for their parents or each other.

Our lad (11) asked me last Saturday if we could nip to the shops to get dh some small bits. We always get a biggish present for the kids to give and they usually pick smaller things, instigated by dd2. One of the things he picked up was actually a bunch of flowers which I thought was really sweet, he said men deserved flowers too.

Have hope your wee boy will turn out just as kind, at least you have the awareness of the aloofness otherwise.

You’re very kind and decent, but I wonder if you have underestimated the steepness of the curve, and their willingness to progress up it.

Are they aware of the issue? What do they say about it?

It seems the boys have been hopelessly shortchanged by both their parents in a very misguided attempt to “look after them”. Now they are spoilt, useless and selfish, can’t go to a big shop by themselves at 17? That’s Useless.
Oblivious to the fact they are being cleaned up after and getting hotel guest treatment everywhere- utterly spoilt and oblivious.

The boys and their parents really need a short sharp shock, and to get up to speed with being independent. As a comparison the kids that age whom I know (including my own) have part time jobs, organise their own sports and social lives, take driving lessons.
They can buy their own clothes and are expected to be able to make dinner for the family once a week.
It sounds like these two young men are a long way off the pace.

It’s good he wasn’t bothered by their thoughtlessness @Costelloviber

Good point about teaching boys empathy @Ponoka7

Do you think it's because they are boys, here let's them off the hook? There's a big thing at the moment about how we need to teach boys empathy and how to be caring and stop the lack of expectations because they are male, it feeds into other areas of life. However you've also got to go with the norms of their family.

How did your dh react to no card from his children @Costelloviber?

Although it's perfectly reasonable to expect something from them, you as your DH's current wife have more reason and motivation to provide prompting/logistical support than his ex does. Why should she care whether her ex has a happy father's day? You obviously provide a lot more support to the little ones as they can't be expected to do much. But you aren't doing ut for them you are doing it for DH, and if you don't no one else will. For older teens I think the minimum you should do is drive them to Tesco and give them £10 each to buy him a card and some kind of token gift but expect them to put in the effort of choosing. As they get older you continue to provide the budget but less logistical/practical support (no more lift to supermarket) until they are in full time employment when all you do is remind them to do something for a few years until they are mature enough to not need that either.

I think you’ve told them that, this year!

What usually happens? I think if you usually sort it but this year decided not to, then I think you should have had that conversation with them sooner. They don't suddenly become self sufficient.

Here, my ex h and I sorted presents out with our son for each other up to him going to Uni although his Dad has only reminded him and then reimbursed him the cost since he was about 16. I always remind DS about my birthday anyway as we plan something together for the day. I drop hints for pressies too, although I am really easy to buy for. We always struggle with his Dad and wish he would drop some hints.

When DS went to Uni, I told him he needed to budget for and buy presents going forward. That said, I made sure he got a card and gift in time to take to his Dads. He would have got there on his own but is generally last minute about everything so I remind him. On Mothers day, this year DS came home from Uni on the day (a surprise visit) with a gift. His dad had no input.

She wasn’t an adult at 15 or for a number of years afterwards though.
You could have prompted her at least, or talked to her about it, rather than see your DH so hurt year after year.

Yes at their age they should def buy him a card and small gift. Many items £2/3 from home bargains etc

mini blondes even at 8 last year wanted to acknowledge my birthday and Mother’s Day and I would take her to home b and wait at end of aisle and she would chose things for me so a total surprise and take to till and pay with mr card and wrap herself etc

not sure how old your joint kids are but good to start them up young in helping them buy stuff for other people

Stop getting them any presents for birthday and Xmas and say I thought you didn’t want to exchange presents as you don’t buy anything for your dad/mum/me/siblings etc and as you are nearly adults really you s be if you want to reciprocate

No. They are your husbands children and as teenagers then they are responsible for buying shit for their own father

It's very hard being a step child and a new person who has some authority over you moves in, and they have a lot of uncommunicated rules and norms for you to live up to. Of course you fail because you're not told, and not taught what to do, and then you just live with a resentful adult who disapproves of you but you don't really know why.

The 2nd half of your comment is what I said, it's the parents fault.

I’ve not read it that way at all. She sounds like she’s a loving step mum but hasn’t “overstepped” when they have two involved parents in their life. It’s down to their parents to teach them some responsibility for their own household (chores), things, and relationships (giving gifts/helping with chores). So the lack of present, or at least lack of caring about a lack of present is down to how they’ve been raised and their lack of being given any responsibility.

They’re 15 and 17 - you reminded them - they chose to ignore.

That’s on them.

I think it’s really sad they have been raised to be so selfish - but as step mum I don’t think that’s on you as presumably they have a mother and father to parent them and this kind of behaviour doesn’t probably appear on Father’s Day for the first time - I’m sure it’s part of a bigger attitude issue that should have been addressed from childhood.

Very sad that they care so little about their father - as getting a card and some chocolate or a little gift is really not hard at that age.

you’ve helped the little ones do something nice - you tried to encourage the older 2 but they ignored you. There’s not a lot more you can do.

Not your job unless you want it to be. Is Fathers_Mothers day a big thing with their parents anyway. Not everyone cares about it and a lot of parents would rather their kids saved their money anyway.