AIBU to feel hurt about unequal support from my mum?

If your kids are 16 they should get you a card.

My guess is that there is more to this. That your parents have done more than this to result in you feeling that way.

Put the card issue aside - tell your children directly. Ask them if it would hurt if you forgot their birthday. Keep your parents out of that and directly encourage them to show appreciation for you.

Listen to your feelings of unease because there's more to this. You are not selfish or any other silly things people on here say you are over this. You are picking up on your feelings about something generally off.

I’m sorry but I think it’s pretty shit that your parents have never helped your children to at least make a homemade card for you or buy you a box of chocolates.
I can see why they’re helping the BIL now but they’ve been shit to neglect you in that case.

I agree there’s definitely the feeling men can’t survive and women are expected to just get on with it.
I was widowed when my kids were 4 and 6. My father had already passed away and my mother was early 80s so not really able to help much and while a couple people brought a prepared dinner for us that was it - and I mean literally a couple. My cousin supported me for the first week or two, helping with arrangements. Then I just ‘got on with it’ (which meant having to sell the family home as I couldn’t afford the mortgage or upkeep so quite a bit of stress, plus work etc).
Then a man I know lost his wife. He had a toddler and a kid around ten or so. His parents immediately stepped in and took the toddler to live with them. This was supposed to be temporary but it became permanent because he said he ‘couldn’t cope’. And people just accepted it! His mother was a bit put out because, surprise surprise, she did most of the childcare and had to eventually give up her job. Everyone would go on about how affected he must be, how he was doing such a great job having the older one, how of course it was ok for his own child to live indefinitely with his parents. Double standards for sure.
While I’m sure you don’t begrudge your parents helping out your BIL and kids, it is galling that they never did the same for you.

Yes OP, I can understand your upset.
They could be humouring him to stay close to their grandchildren, but it is not hard to understand your hurt.
Mind yourself.

Nothing to be sorry for, it was ckear you meant your brother in law.

He and the children are the link to the daughter they lost. It's not surprising that they will be going above and beyond to keep them close.

That’s quite a drip feed. But also supports why your parents are helping him and keeping him close, they need to keep access to their grand children

can I just politely say drop this and also don’t think about the brother in law in this situation. Think of your nephews who have lost their mother your sister. If I had lost
my sister and my niece and nephew lost their mum I’d be moving earth for those children to ensure they had everything and felt loved which is exactly what your parents are doing

They aren’t doing it for him. They are doing it for their dead daughter and their grieving grandchildren.

So they’re really trying to keep the kids close and safe in a round about way. The kids have an abusive father, lost their mother - good on your parents for stepping in as much as they can to be there for the kids.

This is it op.
Why would they help your kids get your ex a gift, because that would be the equivalent.
They are acting in the form of your dsis not being here, while you are.
I understand you feeling hurt but I don’t think it’s a comparable situation

1. She's scared of losing the connection toher dead daughter's children so is working hard to be nice to him so she keeps the relationships going.
2. He's a man, you're not. So of course he needs more support and attention.

The situation sucks in all ways. I'm sorry your mum has been less-than.

ETA if your mum knew about the abuse, that is a reason there why she is keeping him and the kids close.

Also you need a o teach your children better. Clearly they’re old enough to sort you a card and a bar of chocolate themselves now

You're jealous that your parents are helping out their grandchildren who have just lost their mum, and their father who has recently been widowed? Really? That's pretty low.

You are not being unreasonable. You also wouldn’t be to be upset with your kids!

Did your mum always favour your sister's family over yours?

Your parents are obviously grieving the loss of your sister and trying to make things as normal as possible for her children. I presume that your parents are going out of their way to help your sister's husband so that they can remain close to their grandchildren. If they didn't do this, might he not bother taking his kids to see your parents?

It sounds as though your mum has never really bothered with you and your children which is sad for them and for you.

But why haven’t your kids ever got you a Mother’s Day card or birthday card or gift? That’s very rubbish of them. They are at least older teens now and old enough to sort it. It looks like you are trying to find a reason to blame your mum.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but maybe you are comparing situations that aren’t comparable. Spending time with your sister’s family might be helping your parents through their grief. Maybe they have more time now than they did when you needed them. Maybe they have more financial stability than they did. Maybe they felt confident you would parent your kids in alignment with their values, but feel more anxious about your sister’s kids. I’m speculating, just offering a perspective.

Also, I’m genuinely not holding you accountable (because single parenting must be unbelievably hard) but if you can teach your kids to celebrate you, I think you should. They need to be taught to look after you on your birthday. It would have been nice for your parents to step in, but sounds like they haven’t.

It sounds like a tough situation all round. Hope you’re ok.

I'm so sorry about your sister. It's an awful situation for everyone.

I wouldn't blame your parents for this unless there's always been underlying favouritism. They must miss your sister very much. They could be trying to feel close to her, or they could be scared that BIL will bugger off and find a new partner and they'll lose their relationship with their grandkids. Stepping up to help someone who has lost their partner (and kids who have lost their mum) is a decent thing to do.

There might be an element of women being expected to cope with all this family stuff while men are allowed to be a bit clueless, but it'll most likely be wrapped up in a whole lot of grief and I'd let it slide in this situation.

Also, if your eldest is 16 they should be capable of grabbing a card and a token gift!

I can see why it might be a bit hurtful.

But your mother has just lost her daughter. So I wouldn’t be overly critical of how she deals with that, and how she acts towards her grandchildren. She’s also potentially worried that contact will drift slightly, if she doesn’t really focus on bringing her son in law into the family.