To expect the adults to eat with us

I could see my son and gf wanting to eat separately if they lived here. It wouldn’t bother me at all, but then we don’t have open plan.

Rather than making them eat with you just have a time limit for them to do their own dinners.

I think open plan living inevitably needs a lot of rules and structure to work. I don't think it's unreasonable for them to want to buy and cook their own dinners but you need a time limit that it has to be done by.

Your DS is living as if he's in an HMO. He isn't. If that's the setup he wants he can move out and get a room in an HMO. If he wants to live in a family home then he needs to be mindful of that. It's perfectly reasonable for you and DH to set a curfew time that there's no further cooking or bustle in the kitchen after X time (when you are trying to chill on the sofa). You should also set limits for how often gf can come over

This is perfectly natural and surely you want your ds to be independent and capable of looking after himself, which includes feeding himself.
I can't see that forcing them to eat with you will go down well.
Presumably they can't afford to move out yet so compromises needs to be made. It won't be forever, but you're better off supporting his independence than trying to stifle it.

I think YABU as they have a right to eat their own food.

I for example, would prefer to eat different food than my mum cooks. And i now resent not getting to choose my dinner because i have to prioritise my DH and kids.

I would say they do need to clean up any mess they make.

What is the plan for him moving out eventually?

This. If they want this lifestyle they should get a flat together.

I would be irritated by the amount of extra gas and electric used if ongoing over a long period. DS ex GF used to stay 3 nights a week and they almost always ate with us. Though he would cook for her occasionally.

Fully agree
Hate open plan
When I've eaten and cleaned up I don't want someone cooking in the room where I'm watching TV.
Time for a conversation OP

No I wouldnt like somebody coming into my kitchen and starting cooking again. I might tolerate this once a week. Any more often then they need to get their own place. I couldnt stand somebody staying 4 nights a week.

Such contempt.

Let them do it in the property they pay for then!

My first love was kept well away from my parents house! Not cute at all: entitles and gross. It isn't their house. Parents are entitled to privacy.

if you think its childish to not want to eat food you don't like and talk about polarising topics you don't enjoy every night, then yes I am childish! 😂

I think the big deal is the loss of control. So many parents just want to exercise that over their children regardless of common sense. Having a 21 year old who is stepping further into independence and buying and cooking their own meals is a good thing, not a bad one. I can’t imagine feeling so resentful towards my children that then cooking a meal would become problematic. But yes, it’s about control, just like the ‘your house, your rules’ comments.

I know how annoying this is because my niece lived with us for a while and used to batch cook her lunches in the evening and we are open plan. It was a slow process going on until 10 o'clock at night so noise all evening. Fortunately, as it was batch cooking, it was only one night a week. Perhaps you can come to a compromise? Like they cook enough for a few meals, so only intrusive one night a week, plus minimal microwaving, and eat with you for a night or rwo (or out)? I think you need to have a chat about it and not suffer in silence.

Why, because they don’t want to sit and eat politics over a meal they don’t like?

most of it tbf

Your house, your rules! It's really that simple.

Just stop cooking food which you know will be wasted.

Are they leaving the kitchen a mess? Are they screaming and shouting and running around whipping each other with tea towels?

If they ate with you and then stayed downstairs after dinner and talked to you / them would he be equally unhappy with the noise?

Is DP as on board with your DS and his GF spending they're time at yours? Sounds like they wither feel unwelcome at dinner, awkward with the expectations / conversations at dinner or the food isn't stuff they want to eat.

Is he paying board?

I think having a rule that they're not allowed downstairs after dinner tien is a good way to push them away

They want to cook their own food and they are paying for it. As long as they don’t leave a mess behind I don’t really see the issue.

If you want to make it a big deal then go for it, but clearly they want to eat what they want for dinner at a time they find suitable.

As long as they also properly clean up, I don’t see a problem with what they are doing. Why should they have to let someone else control their food choices?

After 16 I never had dinner the same time as my family. I just cooked myself when I was hungry. What’s the big deal? They are being more independent

Personally I think what they're doing is ok.

What part of what they said is childish?

@windowslippers "I don't just want to sit and watch them eat and I don't enjoy us all sitting together either. My parents tend to talk about politics and I don't like it."

Maybe they feel the same about you. You sound rather childish for a 30 year old.