To expect the adults to eat with us

use it to your advantage.

Get them to do the cooking for you all those 4 nights a week - or at least compromise on 2!!!

Your kitchen? Really? How controlling…

My Parents eat dinner by 5pm I am No way ready for dinner at 5pm. My children are but me no.

People who live together as a family normally eat together. It doesn't make him a child.

Yanbu.
but yabu for having so far allowed this.
I would be insisting they either eat with you (the food you cook)
Or they cook and you eat with them the food they’ve cooked.
Or he moves out and into a place with her/on his own.

Nope,nobody uses my kitchen without specific permission,they eat with you or eat out.

It’s everyone’s home … why should the parents have to listen to a load of banging and cooking at silly o clock when they are trying to relax, no doubt having been at work all day to pay the bills.

OP says 'we' have open plan so I assume the house belongs to both of them. Giving him every right to say what goes on in the house that he pays for as much as she does

When I was 21 I would have found 6:30 quite early to eat. I think it’s good that he has independence skills and drive! I think just some ground rules so you don’t feel disappointed or have food waste, and you’re not disturbed by their cooking. Could you agree they’re going to buy and cook their own food from here, but have some time limits around the use of the kitchen?

I would definitely impose cooking times if the kitchen doubles up as the living room/TV room.

I would also suggest to them to take turns with the cooking so each couple cooks for four every other night as it's probably not practical to manage two cooking slots per evening in the times set.

If they want an independent living experience then they might need to move out. They will probably need to live in a flat share where some rules of co-living will also apply.

I disagree.

I can’t imagine not being able to eat and use the kitchen whenever I want in my own home.

They don’t have to eat with you but probably a kitchen “closing”’time is fair so you can relax if it’s all open plan.

I also don’t agree it’s ’eating With mummy and daddy’. My relative moved home in her 30s for a few years, she ate evening meals with my mum every night and would have had lunch together if convenient. My relative sometimes cooked and sometimes my mum cooked.

also I lived with a relative for a few years. We rarely cooked our own meal one after the other. We’d invite him to join us/leave a portion 4/7 nights ish.

Is there no compromise? Do you eat completely different things? Could they cook one night and you another? Also they need to cook before you do surfaces etc so it’s only one job. They’re part of a family not house-sharers.

Assuming he’s doing at least some of the cooking, I think you should be pleased you have raised an adult who is capable and willing to do something for themselves rather than not lifting a finger

YABU

The kitchen and front room are family rooms.

As long as they’re cleaning up after themselves and buying their own food then it’s fine.

If you and DH want alone time then go to your room.

Why not have a limit on how many times she can come over and then you and DH can watch the TV in peace on the other days.

He's a grown man so expecting him to eat with mummy and daddy is a bit much.

Unfortunate that you have an open plan house. Perhaps ecouraging him to fly the nest is the best option if you're massively annoyed.

But you're the ones setting the schedule by cooking a bit later in the evening yourselves, when are they supposed to do it??

I don't see the problem with what they are doing at all, they are buying and cooking their own food so they aren't reliant on you, but your DP seems be taking it as a personal snub? I take it he's not your son's dad.

Why can't he go up to your bedroom until they are done cooking if he wants to watch telly in peace.

Is your DP your DS’ father? If not, I’d not be letting this man have a say in how my son conducts his life.

Tbh 630pm/7pm is more of a kids’ tea-time for me. We have dinner at home around 8pm.

I'm not in the just move out squad myself but it's things like this that remind me of why I was so cynical in the 2010s when people kept talking about intergenerational living become normal again. Our culture isn't any good at it and no one really wants it.

My DDs are adult and cook for themselves. I have a rule not after 10 pm and they clean up after themselves too.
I don’t think you and your dh can dictate where they spend their time on an evening.

The ‘can just move out squad’ seem to be encouraging no contact once their offspring can move out. Why didn’t your parents want you at home - oh I liked to cook my own food!

Two of mine cook for themselves sequentially so the kitchen is alive all night. I only object the they argue whilst sharing it! I don’t want to eat a super high protein diet like they do and am happy they are gaining life skills. When the girlfriend is round I love it - so cute and better than the endless chips snd crisps that I probably lived on at their age!

I do think you are being unreasonable. In my house it’s our family space and while truly antisocial shit isn’t welcome, cooking and chatting with your girlfriend is lovely. Turn the telly up, ask them to be a bit quieter or even make a second sitting room in your bedroom or study if you have one. I would say it’s time to look at how you want to use your space not to be a duck about normal and reasonable choices.

Do you like your children? Have you seen how much rentals are? Their worst crime is cooking for themselves at an inconvenient time, I wouldn’t call that a bags on the doorstep moment. The issue really is open plan living and why, unless you live alone or as a loved up couple, it’s not a good design.

What a oain open plan layouts are. Perhaps they will go out of fashion soon. A separate kitchen dinner would make this mich easier.

Try being open with them both. Say that GF is welcome to stay but open plan layout means it doesn't work to have 2 separate evening meals. Suggest you take it in turns to cook and eat all together, or they need to go out to eat. Young people simply don't realise this kind of thing if it isn't explained.