To expect the adults to eat with us

as adults we were allowed to do our own thing aslong as all was washed and cleaned before we left as parents liked to eat earlier and actually more often than not I preferred to live on salads. Now with my own kids the 16 will very often make what he fancies for him and his brother and again aslong as they tidy I don't really mind

I am absolutely with the people who think this is your family home, not a flat share. I hope you can agree an approach with your DS that respects those parameters while acknowledging that they dont always want to be in your pockets. Perhaps they could cook for everyone one night. You/ your DH cook for everyone another night and 2 nights they do their own thing but at a reasonable time?

That. It needs a conversation where you describe the open plan issue (without criticism) and both parties come up with ideas to solve the problem.

@QuizNight

”the smell of cooking tends to be lovely “

yeah, no. I don’t want be smelling fish or garlic or whatever at 10pm while I’m watching the telly, I want to be smelling whatever lovely candle I’ve just lit or whichever nice room spray I’ve just sprayed. Once I’ve eaten I don’t want to be smelling food again

I think it's sweet and a real green flag tbh, I'd be proud of a son buying food, cooking with his gf and generally playing house. I'm assuming he clears up afterwards? However, it's your house not mine. Sounds like a chat explaining objective issues (noise whilst you're watching tv is fair) and maybe limited it somehow. You could also ask if they want to take over cooking and cook for all of you one night a week - that might release you from the burden, give them the opportunity to eat something they choose and encourage them to eat with you. Also, ask before cooking for them to stop annoyance over them not eating your food.

Also do think long term about what relationship you want. Maybe you do genuinely want them to get their own place and move on, which is reasonable. However, they'll eat with you a hell of a lot less then. If you insist they can't cook for themselves, I suspect they'll start to think about what next., they clearly see themselves as the "unit" and that's healthy now he's an adult with a stable partner.

It's best to be honest- more house shares founder on the use of the kitchen than anything else.
If you run a household, you have to have control of the kitchen, did the DS plan the kitchen, pay for it, or work in it ,year in year out?
All I can say is if you find this controlling then you probably don't do much in the way of planning and preparing meals in your kitchen- in which case it is indeed a freer space.

This.
They need to move out.
No way would that be happening here, not least staying 4 nights a week at 21.

You are very lax and he lacks curtesy and respect.

I would say one meal being cooked and you eat together and the kitchen is closed.
Otherwise he needs to start flat hunting.

Such entitlement when he is so young is hugely presumptuous.
I have 4 children 18-26 and this would not fly here at all.

They are playing "homes". Like an almost grown up version of a dolls tea party!!
In the past kids would have moved out by 21 but no longer. No answer to your dilemma. If you dont like it then say no. It is annoying but unless they are serious about each other it wont last (until the next one!)

I don’t understand why some people are saying things like ‘it’s not a hotel’. Buying and cooking my own food in the kitchen isn’t something I’ve ever done in a hotel. Sitting down and eating a meal cooked by someone else is though. I also don’t understand the comments around noise or smells. Cooking isn’t that noisy unless you’re going around intentionally banging things and the smell of cooking tends to be lovely unless they’re boiling cabbage or burning everything.

If you’re eating at half 6, and they come down afterwards, I presume they’re cooking around 8pm? That’s a perfectly reasonable time. I don’t think it’s fair to say that they have to always eat the exact food you decide or they have to eat out. That’s ridiculously controlling.

I’m of the attitude that it’s a home and not a serviced apartment.

suggesting a cooking roster is a good way forward (is there something they don’t like about how or what you cook?).

does DS go to hers for the other nights? What happens there?

Fantastic solution! Mum and dad are stuck in their bedroom,while the son and his girlfriend have the run of the house.

This is the problem of open plan, but unless they're planning on staying with you forever, it's bit expensive to change it to a kitchen/dining room/lounge. If you are planning to be a mulitgen household longterm, I would change this to sort the issue.
Could you and your partner watch TV in your bedroom, so you get peace from cooking and noise? I do get that a young couple probably don't want to cook and eat with parents.

I totally agree.

This
why don’t you mention this?
In would or say I’m sorry but I’m not happy you cooking after us and clattering round that’s our relaxing time. You need to eat with us as this isn’t happening. Maybe you could take it in turns to cook this could be win win but if they want to “play house” they need their own place.

When I answered, I misinterpreted and thought that the girlfriend lived there. If they both rent paying residents of the house, even if the rent is modest, it would be fair to let them cook their own meals. Since it is just a matter of a girlfriend staying over excessively, I do think that changes things.

You didn’t agree to effectively sharing your home with another couple.

I couldn’t get worked up about this. I think YABU to resent them using the kitchen so
much. It’s perfectly fine to make sure they clean up after themselves or set a rule like no cooking after x time but it’s a bit controlling to say eat with us or eat out. Kids grow up and change, you need to adapt with them. You picked the open plan space, your son didn’t. It may of worked before but it’s a bit naive to assume situations or routines that worked once will work forever. Have a chat with them and find a solution that suits everyone

Everyone who is in at dinner time eats together at ours, including the two who've already moved out if they're here (both here on average a couple of nights per week as they both only moved an hour away for work in the nearest large city, one has a long term partner who is here sometimes, and eats with us if he is, not that often as he usually goes to his parents when she comes to us). I buy all the food for meals eaten in our house.

The cooking separately would very much annoy me - eating out separately is a non issue but cooking in your house separately four nights per week is rude (and they're increasing your costs by using the oven/ hob again when you could have eaten together).

I don't know if you can back pedal having allowed it until now, but it's living like a house share, not as a family.

YANBU

I’m not from here so it was definitely a culture clash for me. For me while everyone lives in the same house, meals are held together unless there’s a specific reason not to, like being away at work. It makes no sense to have the kitchen being used over and over, two separate meals for no reason (even worse if you’re paying for the ingredients) and all the prolonged noise.

I get people wanting to be independent, but that’s when you move out and then you can use the house whenever and however you want.

Perfectly reasonable to have a chat with them that they eat earlier if they want to prep own food or eat with family. Explain trying to relax after dinner and can't do that if they are then cooking.

I can see why it would be annoying when your trying to relax, but if he pays rent then he should be able to use the kitchen when he wants, if he isn't then maybe you could come up with a compromise? Demanding they eat out is a bit harsh, it's so expensive nowadays and if they are serious then they may be trying to save for a house deposit so eating out would make that take even longer.

Need more info - who is paying rent? DS? Is the girlfriend living with you too?

They really need their space. Nobody should be stuck to their parents choices around food, meal timing, tv etc at that age. The housing crisis is so brutal on family relationships.

Just say, as it’s your house, either way with us or go out. Maybe I occasionally thrg can cook themselves.

I'm on the fence. I think the issue is an open plan kitchen/lounge. Otherwise, this shouldn't be an issue without it.

Do stop cooking for them. Do tell them to prepare their meals in advance so they only need to be warmed up, or tell them to order in, or have sandwiches only.

What do they eat?

Not even your own children?