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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect the adults to eat with us

217 replies

princesspadam · 20/06/2026 11:23

Happy to be told AIBU but this is driving me & DP crazy.

my DS (21) has a girlfriend and has now stopped eating with us as a family most of the time

either me or DP will cook every nite so there’s always a meal for both of them if they wanted it (they don’t)

him and his girlfriend sit upstairs and wait for dinner to be over, kitchen tidy, everything away, then come down and cook for themselves

this pisses DP off as we have an open plan living area and after dinner he will chill & watch tv but they’re cooking & talking & generally making mess / noise

AIBU to ask them to eat with us? Or eat out?

OP posts:
Newusername0 · 22/06/2026 17:27

They are adults and don’t have to eat with you. However, they also don’t get to disrupt your peace and make a noise/mess in the kitchen after you’ve tidied away.
They either eat what you cook or get something away from the house. That’s reasonable.

Tableforjoan · 22/06/2026 17:25

I don’t think their cooking is the issue. It’s the open plan of your downstairs.

Finishing dinner and washing up at 9:30pm is a perfectly fine time. I could understand 11pm being an issue but if sometimes you’re getting off work at 7-8pm then you’ve not got long for dinner and a time becomes your routine.

Didimum · 22/06/2026 17:20

Boreded · 22/06/2026 16:59

I don’t know? Why are you asking me? I don’t live with her

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No point commenting if you aren't prepared to explain why your posts have any relevancy.

Boreded · 22/06/2026 16:59

Didimum · 22/06/2026 16:58

How is OP not being considerate?

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I don’t know? Why are you asking me? I don’t live with her

Didimum · 22/06/2026 16:58

Boreded · 22/06/2026 16:55

And you have to be considerate to those you share your home with, even if they don’t own the house.

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How is OP not being considerate?

Boreded · 22/06/2026 16:55

Didimum · 22/06/2026 16:21

And you have to be considerate to those that you share your home with – especially when you don't own the house.

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And you have to be considerate to those you share your home with, even if they don’t own the house.

T1Dmama · 22/06/2026 16:49

Maybe they could cook for you all!!

Didimum · 22/06/2026 16:21

Boreded · 22/06/2026 16:04

yes, it is his parents house, but it is his home.

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And you have to be considerate to those that you share your home with – especially when you don't own the house.

Boreded · 22/06/2026 16:04

Didimum · 22/06/2026 10:46

No, it's his parents' house.

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yes, it is his parents house, but it is his home.

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 22/06/2026 16:00

Cherrytree86 · 22/06/2026 12:22

@princesspadam

why not? Why wouldn’t you move if it would make your children happy?

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Because he’s an adult who will be moving out within no time and it’s not her job to move house so that her adult DS and his GF can cook in the evenings. Obviously

WhatNoRaisins · 22/06/2026 15:25

HaveYouFedTheFish · 22/06/2026 12:08

That's a low bar. Lots of things which aren't the worst version of something are still unsatisfactory.

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I wish it was still a low bar but these failed to launch young (and sometimes not even young) adults are commonplace now. I think that OP needs to find a way to have some ground rules but ultimately put up with it and focus on the fact that her 21 year is showing some signs of wanting to live like an adult.

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/06/2026 15:16

MissCooCooMcgoo · 22/06/2026 12:54

21 is not a kid 🤣

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Regardless, why the need for this twee "aah, they're playing house". No one at 21 wants to "play house". They want to have fun and be aware from their parents. Nauseating that the parents are so desperate to push kids into settling down so early.

Coconutter24 · 22/06/2026 13:42

MrsShawnHatosy · 22/06/2026 10:39

I often had to do this when staying with my PIL. I just got on with it, it was only a few days.

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The poster had the option not to do that and chose not to, it doesn't make them childish

Original poster
princesspadam · 22/06/2026 13:19

@Cherrytree86the ‘children’ in our house are 22, 21, 18 & 17
so no I won’t be moving to make them happy —you absolute loon—

OP posts:
MissCooCooMcgoo · 22/06/2026 12:55

Cherrytree86 · 22/06/2026 12:22

@princesspadam

why not? Why wouldn’t you move if it would make your children happy?

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Don't be so daft 🤣 this cant be a serious response.

MissCooCooMcgoo · 22/06/2026 12:54

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/06/2026 12:18

Vom. Maybe they just want to cook separately? Why are people so keen to rush their children into matrimonial cliches when they’re still kids?

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21 is not a kid 🤣

Cherrytree86 · 22/06/2026 12:22

princesspadam · 22/06/2026 10:41

@susiedaisy1912yes you’re probably right but we won’t be moving house to allow for adult children’s cooking times so not going to change

@princesspadam

why not? Why wouldn’t you move if it would make your children happy?

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/06/2026 12:18

MissCooCooMcgoo · 20/06/2026 11:33

Awwww they're playing house. Annoying and eye-rolley for us but kinda cute no?

Don't you remember having a first love op?

Vom. Maybe they just want to cook separately? Why are people so keen to rush their children into matrimonial cliches when they’re still kids?

HaveYouFedTheFish · 22/06/2026 12:08

WhatNoRaisins · 22/06/2026 07:35

I also can't help but think that this is a lot better than those adults living at home who just game all night, don't look for work, treat their parents like shit and live like parasites. It's a bit inconvenient but it's a sign that he's growing up into a responsible adult that can look after himself and collaborate with a partner.

That's a low bar. Lots of things which aren't the worst version of something are still unsatisfactory.

BunnyLake · 22/06/2026 12:07

Cherrytree86 · 21/06/2026 22:57

@QuizNight

”the smell of cooking tends to be lovely “

yeah, no. I don’t want be smelling fish or garlic or whatever at 10pm while I’m watching the telly, I want to be smelling whatever lovely candle I’ve just lit or whichever nice room spray I’ve just sprayed. Once I’ve eaten I don’t want to be smelling food again

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Then what are the odds you wouldn’t buy a house with an open plan kitchen/living room?

lottiegarbanzo · 22/06/2026 11:54

It’s your DP who’s bothered so surely his conversation to have?

Doesn’t he/you ever go out in the evening? If a regular evening, could that be when they cook? Or could he/you go for a walk while they’re cooking sometimes?

Agree with others this is a lodger situation, so basic rules needed.

Original poster
princesspadam · 22/06/2026 11:46

@nutbrownhare15 I think this is a great idea thank you

OP posts:
Herewegoagainandagainandagain · 22/06/2026 11:39

this pisses DP off

This is one, of many, reasons I'd never have open plan! They are so impractical!

What would I do? Nothing if it didn't bother me. It seems to be an issue for your dh so let him find the solution with his ds.

I stopped being the peace negotiator for dh many years ago - your dh and ds are both adults let them sort it out between themselves. If their relationship is so poor they can't communicate, then it is about time your dh does something about that.

nutbrownhare15 · 22/06/2026 11:04

It's clear they want some couples cooking time but.not unreasonable to not want them to do it every time. Can you talk to them and suggest all eating together one-two nights a week, then having the downstairs to themselves one night a week, and maybe a curfew to finish cooking by on the other nights. Or maybe ask them for suggestions.

BunnyLake · 22/06/2026 11:00

princesspadam · 22/06/2026 10:41

@susiedaisy1912yes you’re probably right but we won’t be moving house to allow for adult children’s cooking times so not going to change

So your open plan design has no spare room that could make a snug or something?

Open plans are ok if there’s a second room to utilise but if not, it’s a strange and impractical choice for a family.