AIBU to feel hurt by a school mum’s mixed behaviour?

Accept that's how she behaves and don't get invested. Be polite in your texts, but waste your time with her.

Or, they had no particular objection to you but would prefer to talk to their actual friends, given a choice?

Meh some people are like that. We used to do a class coffee morning every week and there were two factions and I was pretty much ignored by one of them (didn’t have the right look, didn’t have a rich DH - I’m a widow - whatever). But should I run into one of these women independently then they were happy to chat. I guess I was better than nothing but not quite good enough if their other friends were around. Couldn’t care less really.

How on earth can you know this?

Is she one of them really desperate people who wants to be in with the "cool mums" there was one of them in my daughters class it was embarrassing the speed walking to catch up with certain people the fake overly dramatic laughing

She sounds like a social climber. She probably doesnt actively dislike you but has decided you have low social currency for her. Some of the other mums have higher currency to her hence her targeting them in a bigger group.

Have seen it happen a lot. Just keep her at polite arms length and look to make more genuine connections.

Just ignore her and let her come to you.I never gave a shit about school mums.i said hi and dropped off.

Obviously she was saying it to me precisely because I’m blonde! Why would you say that to anyone ? It’s nuts.
It’s not the same as saying you don’t like a band!!
It was personal and she knew it - I wasn’t being sensitive, and there’s was loads of similar stuff. But feel free to argue that point out of everything I’ve said…..and defend a situation you just don’t ‘get’ . Bizarre response!

I think is likely.

But why would it bother you what hair colour her husband disliked? If I, for some strange reason, felt compelled to share that DH doesn’t like The Killers, it’s not some kind of covert insult to Killers fans.

I had a ‘friend’ like this and she’d also say odd things to me like ‘my husband hates blonde hair’ (yes I’m blonde!!) and slip in hurtful things when no one else was around - and actually smile as she said them! Ridiculous really.
Also not inviting me to stuff and then apologising profusely when she saw me again blaming herself and her forgetfulness. She did this to others too btw so it wasn’t just me.
Took me longer than it should have done to drop her like a stone!
My life is much, much better and if I see her will say hello as we still have same friendship group but that is it, I suppose I ‘grey rock’ her.
I also don’t invite her to anything anymore and my other friends still come so there’s no awkwardness on their part.
Why put up with hurtful stuff when you don’t have to? I just feel daft that it took me so long!!

I can’t believe you text her asking why she ignores you. You sound a little needy, which is never going to be a good thing in the School mum stakes.
she clearly not keen on you, and that’s fine. Smile and nod, and move on to others. You don’t need to grovel to her.

Maybe she needed to speak to the other mums about something in particular and time was tight. Maybe she’s zoned out at times. Apparently I was with my husband and we bumped into a friend and I didn’t even notice despite him stopping and chatting for a few minutes. I must have had so much on mind I didn’t even know what was going on.

This is another classic of the “bitchy school mums” genre.

You’re overthinking this hugely. She’s just being social in a social setting and more intimate one on one. It’s absolutely normal behaviour. You’re not in a relationship with her, you just have kids at the same school.

Most mums don’t have the time or bandwidth to make friends at school, they are just managing their children. You have behaved in a weird, needy manner and probably made her think you are a bit unbalanced.

School is for children, its not a social life for parents. If you make friends at school its a bonus but its not am entitlement and its inappropriate to put people under this kind of pressure. Make friends outside school and keep this sort of drama out of it.

It sounds like you’re not really friends, more acquaintances, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you. Maybe it’s just wording of the post but it doesn’t sound like there is anything rude about her behaviour or particularly dismissive. It just sounds like normal school run stuff where sometimes you don’t have time to stop and talk to everybody. And sometimes you prioritise the people who you actually need to speak to (arranging play dates or asking about clubs etc).

If you were previously friends who would socialise outside of the kids or do lots of family stuff together and she’s suddenly turned cold then that is different and I would probably be hurt too by a big change with someone I see all the time.

Life is too short for this rubbish, she's not a friend, cut her a drift and open yourself to finding some real friends who care enough and are proud to be seen with you.

But she is being rude. I would only reply to messages about your children’s arrangements if you absolutely must communicate at all. She is trying the divide and conquer technique to unsettle you and ingratiate herself with others. I would completely ignore her from now on.

I don't see an issue either

Its the @Anonymous014 here causing and looking for issues....

Well, there are strange people in the world, obviously — there’s not a separate subsection of people who drop and pickup at their children’s schools. But I don’t see an issue here. This woman is perfectly pleasant to the OP and probably has no objection to her, but given a choice of other people to talk to, she prefers them, because she knows them better and/or likes them more.

You’re not unreasonable to be hurt at all, there are some strange people on the school run and having been through it twice and having two totally different experiences I’d say don’t waste your time and energy worrying about this woman.

Just be polite for the kids but don’t bother making an effort further than their friendships, if she wants to be difficult let her.
She clearly has a problem, but not woman enough to tell you.

But she’s not blowing ‘hot and cold’ — she’s embarrassed and/or put off either by (1) the fact that your husbands had a big political dingdong at her child’s birthday party when, she may reasonably have felt hers should be helping run the party and/or (2) by your DH’s politics which she may assume you share.

Not really possible to tell from your OP but either a) you’re overthinking. She’s generally a friendly person but not your best mate. In a group she chats to everyone and there may be people she knows better than she knows you, or needs to speak to about arrangements. You’ve created a big narrative out of it when really there isn’t much to say. Or b) she genuinely is blowing hot and cold because she has some sort of internal social hierarchy and you’re not at the top of it.

Either way, I’d try just to disengage a bit from thinking about it. Either you’re overthinking it, or you aren’t and she’s a dickhead- but either way it’s not worth worrying about.

Yes, this pretty much. I say that as someone who used to be bemused by this kind of behaviour and had to deal with her fair share of school yard weirdness.

You just need to develop a thicker skin and match her energy ie. be civil, cordial but not overly-friendly

What are you going to gain from her being your pal? Probably drama and getting involved in her problems, being a scape goat maybe? Nod and smile, only accept play dates when nothing else is happening. This will probably make her try to be your pal to be fair

I think you’re probably overthinking this. She is being polite on text and chats with you one to one. Some days she’s rushing to get her dc and doesn’t have time for a chat. In a large group, she talks to other people. If she talked exclusively to you, she’d be being rude to everyone else. Maybe social settings make her anxious and she sticks to parents who are more familiar? Maybe you’ve interpreted politeness as friendship? I am nice to other mums on text and chat with them one to one. I wouldn’t consider them a friend though. If in a big group though, I’d probably spend most of my time talking to my friends or people I found more approachable or easier to talk to.

It doesn’t mean she’s ignoring you or trying to be awful to you. Just that she’s doing what’s comfortable. I think actually if anyone is behaving oddly, it’s you. I’d definitely be giving you the swerve after this for fear it was about to get even more intense.