AIBU to feel hurt by a school mum’s mixed behaviour?

I know a couple like this. Unfortunately one is DD's best friends mum, keeps trying to get into cool group but remains very much on the periphery. She will talk to me when noone else around or when she needs something, like help with a pick up, or when she thinks I might have 'valuable info' on something she wants to know about. Doesn't bother me, it just shows what sort of person she is. I remain polite but keep her at arms length.

However, she is trying to use her child to climb up the social ladder, inviting the children of the 'cool group' to playdates and parties and leaving out her daughters actual friends. Which is a bit rubbish.

I know mums like this. In my case (living in a small rural town), there is a group of cliquey mums who are also on the PTA and all slightly more upper class I suppose. There was one particular mum who I felt like was my friend, except whenever she was around this group then I would get ignored completely. I think actually it comes from insecurity on her part. Anyway, I just decided to focus on others. No time for mean girl behaviour and fake friends now. Having multiple children helps, as the bulk of this group are in one of my child's year group, whereas my other child's class are a friendlier bunch.

I’d be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt and I also wonder if you could be misreading the situation in a negative light.
I’m not saying you are, I just wonder, partly because I might be a bit like that mum.

At the school gates I’m often in a hurry, or tired and feeling zoned out and there are some parents I’m friendly with, but I’ll just give them a quick hi because we’re all there twice a day and we can’t have a chat every time. Many will do the same to me at times, and I’m not offended. Sometimes we chat, sometimes we don’t. And sometimes I don’t really have time for a chat, and everyone just gets a wave, but then I see someone who I actually needed to talk to about something so I stop and discuss that quickly. Maybe when your friend is rushing past you and then talking to someone else, something like that has happened?

I remember a mum like this when mine was at primary.

Id see her one day and she would be falling over herself to hug me saying hello darling, hello lovely etc etc and then the next day she would completely ignore.

It really bothered me in the beginning because I couldn’t work out what I’d done wrong but it quickly dawned on me that she’s one of those very odd people who likes to blow hot/cold. It just reeked of a power trip and I cannot be arsed with that shit so just gave her a wide swerve for the remaining years!

I don’t think you should have messaged her as it’s just playing right into her hands because she’s playing silly games but too late now. Hopefully the kids won’t form a strong friendship but if they do then you’ll just have to be cordial but you know her game now which should make things a bit easier to manage

Op. I would have messaged her but I’m a sensitive person who likes to know where I stand. If I believe someone is my friend,and they start acting in a way that is unfriendly, I’ll feel compelled to ask if it’s something Ive done to upset them? However, apparently this is “needy” behaviour, even if that person has shared a friendship with you. Yes, people are sometimes hard to fathom.

I wouldnt have messaged her just leave it youve handed over your power

This is going to sound harsh but I’ve experienced similar and probably unwittingly done similar. It’s the hierarchy, it’s how this mum sees you compared to other mums. On your own she’s good but other mums, in her head, are higher on the hierarchy so she’s seeks them out.

But why do you expect to get preferential treatment in a situation where there are lots of other people around?

Social situations dictate that you have to interact with different people. She doesn’t have to stick to you like a limpet in a scenario like this. I seriously doubt she is blanking you, just not choosing to spend every minute with you.

And, respectfully, sending a message to someone you don’t know that well saying you are hurt because she’s not putting you ahead of all her other school connections is pretty needy. If someone I slightly knew from the school network sent me a message like this I would think they were pretty hard work. Its a message you might send to a lover or a lifelong friend, not to a friendly acquaintance.

With kindness I think you are expecting too much. Most people don’t have the bandwidth to strike up new BFFs at school, they are focused on their kids, their jobs, juggling everything and trying to stay sane.

You can make friends in this setting but you have to chill a bit and take things as they come. If you expect everyone you get on with to become an instant friend for life you are just creating pressure they can’t live up to and it’s never going to end well. Learn to give people space and let them come to you. Don’t chase friendship.

OP I could have written this myself. There’s a mum at my DD’s school who’s exactly the same, although I wouldn’t ever have considered us friends. She’s lovely to everyone else, but with me she’ll look me up and down, walk straight past me, and completely ignore me.I couldn’t understand what her problem was as I had been nothing but nice to her. I then realised something - I actually don’t care. I don’t particularly like her and think she’s a bit of a snob! Now, I’m polite when we’re in group situations, but otherwise I just leave her to it and give her the same level of attention she gives me. We’re never going to be friends, but why would you want to be friends with someone like that? I wouldn’t have even bothered texting if I were you.

I once read something that really stuck with me - if someone has decided they don’t like you, there’s nothing you can do that’s suddenly going to make them like you. So don’t waste your energy trying!!

I think its normal to want to chat to your closer friends as its easy, you have stuff to say and you don't need to make small talk. Not sure why this is social climbing, or OP isn't good enough or whatever.

Like a new person at work - you chat to them, include them make them feel welcome, but still gravitate towards your 'friends' and over time they may also become a friend.

I've been on both sides and yes it can feel cliquey and exclusionary, but it isn't necessarily meant that way? It can appear everyone is best buddies and in an 'in crowd' but there are individual relationships within that, some get on better with others.

Why are you so concerned about this, how do you have time for it to occupy so much headspace??
Just take your child to school a d go about your day.
You're coming across as needy.
No wonder she keeps her distance.

Don't let it bother you. its only a school mum after all.

Yes, agree. I know someone like this, when there’s no one else around who is ‘more important’ than me, she’d hang around me all the time, be overly friendly, ask me lots of questions…but when it’s a bigger social event, like a recent garden party, she said ‘hi, good to see you. Hope you have a great afternoon and I’ll catch up with you next week’, making it clear that she doesn’t intend on talking with me for the rest of the afternoon, then she moved her group of friends away from me. Basically I’m on her C or D list of people she wants to engage with and if any As or Bs are there then she’ll ignore me.

I was thinking she may have been peeved to have been left running the show herself and has given herself space to get over it.

So she doesn't work, so she can't have as many important things on her mind as you possibly do, yet you're still obsessing with her in a morning.....

Of course not but you’re welcome to your interpretation - there we are then 🤣

OP I had this experience with our neighbour and they also have a child at the school. Very hot and cold it drop my anxiety through the roof. Some days super friendly and other days would ignore me.

I just stopped making any effort, it was easier because then I have no expectation. Just see her as an acquaintance and no more. It makes life easier

I'm the mean mum in this scenario.

Our kids are great friends and she is really kind but she has some mannerisms that drive me barmy.

She interrupts, talks over everyone, regularly puts her foot in it, and makes every conversation about herself. Some days I have the patience for it and others i don't, to the point I can't even look her in the eye.

But she is my friend and i really like her sense of humour, we enjoy similar things, and some of the time she doesnt present any of those mannerisms amd others i can let it wash over me.

She's nit perfect but blithering am I, and on my bad days, where im preoccupied and just want to get from A to B, I don't always have the patience to stop for a 10 minute monologue at the school gate.

I'm not saying you irriate her OP, far from it, but if she's avoiding you on occasion then it may well be that she is preoccupied on those days and can only manage a superficial hello with others.

I don't disagree with anything you've said but I thought the OP was trying to fathom why other mum makes her preference so markedly clear to the extent that she ignores OP.

It was just a suggestion about what may be behind it. I'm happy to accept I could be totally wrong.

FFS are you looking for things to be offended at

But on no evidence. From what the OP says, this woman just prefers talking to other people in group situations. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t possibly quite like the OP, just that there are others she prefers.

I don't, it's just an educated guess. Other posters have said similar.

Steer clear of her. She's someone who believes in a social hierarchy. She perceives other mums as more desirable socially than you, so cuts you when they are on offer and keeps you in reserve 1-2-1.

Cool off. In groups, never say hi first, focus on chatting with whoever you are near.