AIBU to feel uncomfortable calling my MIL's husband Grandpa?

Totally agree on the nappy thing! But to your original point about names & awkwardness - stick to your guns about not calling him Grandpa/Grandad etc.

I have a similar situation with my dad's wife. They've been together since I was about 13, have three kids together, but I've never looked at her like a step-mum or anything. My kids don't call her Nan (would be an absolute insult to my mum and MIL). My dad was pissed about it, even after I suggested they came up with a nickname as compromise, and as a result she's massively withdrawn from paying any proper attention to them (bearing in mind, my eldest is only 18 months old!). That's a win to me - shows everything about her and why she really shouldn't have that title... Maybe the same thing will happen in your case when you say no? Shows their true colours and this guy sounds dodge so you'll want him to withdraw anyway!!

Good luck OP!

Disagree on the 2nd.

Can you explain why in this specific instance you think OP should be encouraging her child to think this giant red flag of a man is a family member (who can be trusted) by calling him grandpa.
Because 3 yr olds dont understand nuance and children trust their family are safe people.

I'm sure your 2nd husband Bob is lovely and all... but this bloke clearly isnt....

You need to trust your gut; as well as supervising and restricting access - even if that means seeing MIL less.
The naming is awkward but one thing you can do is call him by his name always in front of your child and tell MIL that your child is not his second chance at being a dad - that ship has sailed.
You can state a boundary over nappy changing and babysitting - if it causes offence that’s fine - this is your child to be protected.

It must be heart-breaking for your DH to see that his dad has pretty much been erased and his mum is pushing the fantasy that her much younger husband is the real grandfather to your child.

As other posters have said, the nappy changing is a massive red flag. Who on earth enjoys changing a baby's nappy? He sounds pushy and controlling and I'd stop inviting MIL and him to stay. Leaving a messy bedroom and dirty bathroom when they stay is another sign of their disrespect for you and your husband.

I agree with your first and disagree with your second.

My mum married her husband when I was 21. My first baby was born when I was 34. My mother's husband is not my father, shares no blood with my children - that was my father's privilege. My father was their grandad, not step. Mum and step thought he was going to be "grandad". No more chance of that than me calling him dad, because for obvious reasons he is not my dad. The children and I call him Gerald. He has always treated the DC like grandchildren (has no DC) but is NOT their grandad.

Put a stop to the nappy changing @GreenAcreFarm22

Seriously OP trust your instincts here.

Put your food down now. Even if it causes a rift.

He didn't have children of his own and now he's steaming in wanting to change nappies a task that a lot of men shy away from with their own children

Alarm bells are ringing!

I think you have two separate issues here.

A male asking to change a nappy is weird. Dd is 30 but neither my dad or fil ever changed a nappy, it was always the mums. I would put a stop to this.

Absolutely (under normal circumstances) he should be grandpa, or similar. I would expect my husband to be grandpa/pap/grandad in the same way I would expect my daughter’s step mum to be Nan/granny/grandma.

All sounds very creepy and weird.

Something’s not right here OP. Your absolute number 1 priority must be to protect your child. It’s very unusual for anyone not biologically closely related to a child to be so keen to change a nappy. You say they aren’t helpful in other ways, so this is an oddly specific way of ‘helping’.
I would also be suspicious of Mother-in-law. She seems to be overly explaining her husband’s interest in your child. Coming up with plausible explanations for bizarre behaviour. This man does not get to prevent you from changing your own baby’s nappy.

Sarah’s Law.
Do it.

This post gave me the creeps slightly. This man reminds me heavily of my grandmothers husband. Always wanted us to call him granda etc etc (my mother hit the roof). he was a sexual abuser!! Please be careful I’m not saying that’s what is going on here but if you have a bad feeling about him do not ignore your gut. At best he’s a controlling manipulative money grabbing shit.

No one man, woman or parent WANTS to change a baby’s nappy. As parents we do it because we have to and in the sense of keeping the child healthy we want to, but it’s not a desire.
All you say to him is no, as parents we change his nappy. He’s had no experience of kids yet is straight in at that end- you need to request a Sarah’s Law disclosure - he sounds like a monster. Frankly who prefers a smelly arse to cuddles and or feeding and talking to a baby? I want to rip his head off on your behalf

I couldn’t give a crap about what name he was called, but wouldn’t be letting him anywhere near my baby’s nappy. Odd that the name is what bothers you!

We did the grandpa Joe thing, but not a single one of the grandpas, or grandmas, tried to muscle in on nappy changing. I would not be letting this man anywhere near my baby again.

His family name needs to be Goodbye

Making a lot of work for you, not realing

Find your spine and shine it up now.

"No, Bob, you're not changing my baby."

"I said no, Bob. "

"Bob, give me privacy to change my baby."

Use ownership language. This is your baby, not his.

This is a red flag. If he gets insistent, ask him just why he wants to see your child's genitals. If he doesn't back off then, you've got a big problem and you're going to have to go lower contact.

Space put those visits more. They're not good guests and they'realing a lot more work for you.

He’s trying to hide in plain sight but not doing a very good job of it.

He’s definitely of concern so don’t take any further risks no matter who you feel you may upset. Protecting your DC has to always be your priority.

Sorry you’re in this position OP, as it won’t be easy. In years to come your MIL will be offering to babysit, sleepovers etc… and you’ll have to say no to everything I’m afraid if they remain married.

The only male who ever changed our children's nappies was DH. Our mums only did so if they were babysitting. When the parent is there they change the nappy, it is not normal for anyone else to want to do it.

As to the name- if your DH doesn't call him dad then he isn't grandad/grandpa. End of.

Trust your instincts.
Even written down it looks like a bag of red flags.

• Reduce vistis.
• Start inviting mil over solo - i can predict how that will go...
• When you see them make sure its out and about ie park / coffee / meal
• Stop being nice. Say 'no ill change the nappy.' When he insists say 'why are you so desperate to change my child's nappy? Whats wrong with you?' And then give zero fucks if you are accused by mil of "cause a scene" and "upsetting" him

He is doesnt care about basic boundaries or your feelings, you dont need to care about his....

It’s beyond weird…even if it’s just him being performative, he definitely should not EVER have access to your baby in this way.
I am so glad you see this too, as to the grandad moniker, tell him your child will refer to him how YOU want them too.
He sounds like a fucking sponger, and a cheeky fucker too.
Not had his own kids? Tough shit mate.

Leaving aside that this is all kinds of weird in very many ways (though some of these absolutely need to be addressed…), the way we dealt with both having divorced parents, and none of the new partners really being step parents, was just that the new partners might get called grandma Diane or grandpa Joe, whilst blood relatives are just called grandma or grandad. Also we never refer to those people around each other or our kids as anything other than Diane or Joe, whereas our parents get called mum/dad/grandma etc so the kids actually end up calling them by their first names but they still have a kind of grandparent title.
I don’t know if that helps in this situation though because it sounds like you have bigger problems than what this man is known as.

My partner loves the kids in my family but would never want to do nappy changes, toilet time or bath time
Thats just weird !