AIBU to feel uncomfortable calling my MIL's husband Grandpa?

Agree with all of this. Great post.

I’d be practically growling and bearing my teeth at this point

@GreenAcreFarm22 let your MummaBear out!

My mum’s creepy husband started calling himself papa in cards to us when he married my mum

i was 38 and PG with my DS.

i shot that down immediately. He’s not my papa/dad, he’s your H mum. That’s it.

ditto when I had my DS, “he’s Jim* not grandpa” Heck my MUM isn’t even granny, she didn’t want a title that aged her. 🙄 She’s silly.

*name changed

we’re NC now because of Jim anyway. He’s a dick. He totally alienated my mum from everyone unless on his terms. She was very cruel to me and hurt my DS once.

@GreenAcreFarm22 your instincts are screaming at you love, listen and protect your little one. Don’t let him have your DS alone ever again. Be firm! Insist on it and bugger his feelings or whatever other pressure he and your mother will try to put you under to do what he wants with your DS.

If this is real, you and your husband need to seek therapy about why your boundaries are so poor with this man. Safeguard your child fgs.

I am astonished at this, why haven’t you stopped him? He’s preventing you from changing YOUR baby’s nappy? Use your mother’s instincts /voice ‘I am changing the baby, this is MY child, it is highly unusual that you stop me from changing my own baby, you are not responsible or related to MY child’. Is your DH on board or is he scared to upset his mum?

Maybe you should reduce the visits. It doesn't sound very healthy. Your child is not his surrogate child.

Even if a Sarah's Law check comes back clear, there is always a first time.

A chat with the Lucy Faithfull foundation might be good www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk/

He's grooming you all. He wants the title of grandpa to psychologically signal that he's a safe male family member. He didn't ask for it, he demanded it. He has no respect for your wishes as parents, his own needs are most important. He is clearly talking a lot about babies and children to MIL if she is bringing up how much he wanted his own kids frequently. That's supposed to make you feel that he's a safe paternal sort of man, even though there's no evidence that he is. It's also designed to make you feel sorry for his aching lack of ever having had children. And you with a new baby, could help with that couldn't you, nice compliant younger woman?
You talk about him playing the physical role of grandparent, holding the baby to the exclusion of others, changing the baby. Again he has no respect for anyone else, his needs come first. But importantly he's making you all (including your baby) feel comfortable with him being in very close personal proximity. In a few years it'll be tickle fights and 'come sit on grandpa' s lap. Please look at this man with your eyes wide open. You feel it's fake. Trust that, it is fake. It's not normal grandparent adoration of a baby. He's not the grandparent. He doesn't love your baby like a grandparent loves the continuation of their family, an echo of their own baby, a reminder of their historic parenting journey. You do not want your child anywhere near this man. You don't want any sort of trust or relationship to grow.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 so first he gets himself a nice little gravy train and then he tries to get himself a baby to play with. You need to put iron clad boundaries around this man. No contact with your mil or your step fil whatsoever for at least a year until he learns that you are in charge, not him. Then you can think about resuming supervised contact if you want your mil to have some contact with the baby. But never ever leave you child alone with these two for even one minute.

I think it should be more your husband’s choice than yours about the ‘grandpa’ title. How does your husband feel about any of this? You haven’t said. Does he agree with you?

I’m all for trusting instincts around your baby, but the financial control stuff seems sort of vague. The money was your MIL’s money once your FIL died. Now MIL is married it’s their money. How does you know that step-FIL is controlling that MIL only buys ‘cheap teddies’? Do you know their financial situation to the depths of what their limits are now they are both retired?

God I would not be letting him change the nappy. No way. I have to make a comment on your framing of the financial situation though.

They are not living off the estate from
your deceased FIL. He was married to your MIL so it was THEIR money which went to her as the will. Granted it seems step FIL has taken advantage but it was HER money when he passed.

Just as a practical thing, if you have an instinct that the nappy change thing is getting creepy but you don't think you could outright come out and say "no I think you're a nonce", could you invent some kind of new routine that means you personally need to do the nappy changes "because he has terrible nappy rash at the moment, it's too complicated to explain the different creams he need so I'll just do it in the bathroom", cheery wave etc - just to break the cycle/habit in the moment?

I think people sometimes rely on it being a bit socially awkward to make a direct accusation, so subtle avoidance can sometimes be helpful until you have decided on a longer term strategy

That's what stands out to me...is he a nonce?

OP please listen to everyone screaming at you to keep this man away from nappy changes. It will progress to bath time and more solo time, solo access. All ‘safe’ because he is ‘grandpa’. You sound like you find it hard to assert yourself in your own home. Your no.1 job is to protect your child. Agree with poster who said he is using MIL as his enforcer, you can’t trust her judgement. Red flags all over this.

I would recommend not agreeing to the grandpa thing. I was also uncomfortable with it but went along with it and regretted it. Same situation ie DH’s stepfather. Started off Grandad + name then name was dropped and he was just grandad. Felt unfair for the biological grandad (who was still alive).

Also I have had similar reservations about behaviours. I have not allowed sleepovers or unaccompanied babysitting as a result. I also did a Sarah’s Law application (came back clear). I would recommend you do this. It won’t necessarily set your mind at rest but will make you feel you’ve done something.

I think using the name rather than grandad adds in a psychological boundary that would be useful for everyone involved.

Or offering to empty the cat litter tray which no one offers.
He's a queer fish with the enthusiasm for nappy change .

Why did you not say ‘what are you talking about’ or similar when he said he would change the baby? Who offers to change other people’s babies nappies? It’s really weird! Like going round to someone’s house and emptying the bins.

Being called granddad, not buying presents or doing errands wouldn’t bother me at all.

The talking about her dead husband and what she spends her money on is your MILs concern.

As an aside, this whole thing of men other than dad can't change nappy as a rule makes me a bit sad that it always has to be women who do the work. my SIL has asked my DP to step in and help her by changing my nephew's nappy, I'd expect him to step up and not turn to me. He's had kids and is perfectly capable.
The difference is that it wouldn't be he requests (that's just weird).. but he is asked to help. Because she trusts him and needs the help.

You don't trust this man and you don't want his help. That is enough and you are perfectly entitled to draw the line wherever you want with your baby.

I also think you are entitled to use names that feel comfortable for you. My extended family is very blended with lots of new partners/spouses in the mix. The children have always referred to partner/spouse by name. So my step dad is called Gary and so the kids said Gaga when they were little and then Gary when they were older. If they had wanted to call him Grandpa I would have been fine with that but I never call him dad, I always say Gary when I talk about him or to him. So they mirrored what I said.

Theres an awful lot of he ‘won’t let’ in your messages, around you and your MIL. This man sounds like a controlling creep, and he is grooming you all.
Where is your DH in all this?
The time to set boundaries is now with this man.

My mum been married to her second husband for 45 years and my grown up daughters call him by his christian name just like I do

As said, you take ownership of personal care. However I don't think that it's unusual to not want to discuss a former spouse, in front of the new one. Time will tell on this. I did call my Nan's partner Grandad, because he was my grandad, to all intents and purposes. I was entitled to that relationship. Like it or not, whatever was left became your MIL's and she can spend her money on what she wants. If she is repeating things a lot, are you sure there isn't something neurological going on and that's why he taking over a bit?

I was looking for this comment, agree totally.

We have made up names for step-parents, alongside their names, think Gangan Bob or similar.

You don’t mention once how your DH feels about it which seems strange to me. It’s not on you to decide the name.

Please protect your baby - he seems predatory.

Grandpa is just a title when it applies to a blood relation or someone who is an accepted father figure to either parent. But when neither of those apply, it's an honour at the behest of the parents to bestow and not something that can he demanded because of a marriage certificate.

He's not the grandpa, he's the grandma's husband. I'd push back on this 100% and say no, grandpa is "dhs deceased dad" and we will be calling "mil current husband" by name.

Your baby isn't a do over or surrogate child for this guy just because he didn't have kids of his own, he doesn't get to muscle in. Take a step back.

I think that a male who did the nappies of the mum or dad when they were a baby, or shared their bath as small children together, trusted for a lifetime is a sort of safe person but any adult male not intimately known to one of the parents is another thing really, however nice he is. And this guy sounds creepy.

As a grandmother with a second husband who is lovely and gets on well with all my family - we have a sort of unspoken understanding that I do nappies always of my grandchildren when we babysit. He would and could of course in an emergency - he did for his own kids and probably will if he is ever a granddad himself (not yet!), but it feels right that I do my grandchildren’s personal care rather than him.

Not for any particular reason but their dignity and my role as a close family member.

He’s a brilliant granddad figure to them- plays with them loads when we babysit, cooks for us, pushes the swings endlessly when we are at the park, gets the football going at the park, asks about the ponies’ and unicorns’ names, tells and reads stories, does counting rhymes - but he can opt out for peace and quiet in another room whenever he wants as ultimately, they’re my responsibility 100% when we are in charge. I agree to have them (with absolute pleasure) so I do their personal care.