AIBU to feel uncomfortable calling my MIL's husband Grandpa?

The issue here is not the name. It’s that you don’t like or trust your mother-in-law’s husband (work good reason).

Given that he will presumably be playing a grandfatherly role in your child’s life, “Grandpa” does not seem inappropriate, especially as there will be no other grandfather. As a compromise could he be “Grandpa Gavin”?

For what it’s worth, there were three women who played a grandmotherly role in my children’s lives. My mother, my mother-in-law, and my stepmother (who married my father when they were both in their 60s). All three are now dead and much missed.

The first two were known as “Granny”. The third was known as “Granny Jane” which recognised her role but differentiated her from the real ones.

I agree with others about the nappy changing.

I'm sorry OP, but OMG no!

No one does nappy changes except parents and care providers (and close family, if YOU choose that) - it's incredibly important to let your child have dignity and privacy so they learn body boundaries. It's clear that you know that what's currently happening is wrong.

This is YOUR child and no one else gets to make decisions for them or impose their will. Titles are earned, not demanded, and you don't need to worry about respecting people who don't respect you.

Not saying that this is where things are headed, but most abuse happens at the hands of family members. Don't ignore your instincts, or the red flags.

You also both deserve to be able to discuss and celebrate your fathers, and have them be part of your child's life. It's bloody hard raising your child without your parent around and you need to be able to do whatever you both can to keep their memories alive - regardless of how this man or your MIL feel about that.

Also wanted to add, even if he's not a sexual predator, he's still a controller.

Today he's insisting on nappies, tomorrow he'll be insisting on which playgroup, which school....whose child is it? You need to put firm boundaries in, there's so many red flags.

WaitingForMojo
It is up to your dh really what dc call his stepfather.

In the case of my three it was entirely up to THEM what they called their grandparents. We might suggest; they decided.

I have four dc and neither grandfather ever once changed their nappy. Their grandmothers both did, but only if there was a reason, ie, if they were looking after baby without the parents. It would be a massive red flag for me if anyone started insisting/ being keen to change them.

It is up to your dh really what dc call his stepfather.

Unless neither of the baby's parents is able to do it, volunteering to clean up a baby's genitals when they are covered in urine and faeces is strange behaviour in anyone unrelated to that baby. (Nurses and carers do it as a job, but that is not the case here.)

Men and women all know this. Knowing it makes them look strange, decent ones don't press the point. Only ones who are not decent will do so.

This man is not related to your baby. His behaviour is strange at best.

As for insisting on his right to mess with your baby... No, Insist that he leaves the baby alone, and if he won't, insist that he leaves.

I mean, yes, of course that's possible...but still, I wouldn't leave the baby alone with him, it's just not worth the risk

The spectrum of implications there could be, from innocent to not, are exactly the reason why 9/10 of men in this position wouldn’t volunteer to change an unrelated baby’s nappy even if they were somehow curious about the experience or genuinely wanting to help. Volunteering and then insisting/dictating is odd.

I'm sorry because this sounds horrible but whether you call him Grandad or not is an extremely surface issue compared to absolutely everything else you've put there. Hefty boundaries and don't have them to stay ever again.

Are you for real?

I had a step grandad. My mum's dad died when she was 7 and my gran married someone also 15 years younger a year after my mum married. He was for all intents and purposes ours and my cousins grandad and we lived him. We weren't alive to know our biological grandfather. The parents were always a bit huh about it and would occasionally say he wasn't a real grandad but he was to us. Although he never changed nappies or anything!

My DSs now have the same except through divorce (not us, grandparents) and their step grandad has been a much bigger and positive role in their life than their biological grandfather. They've only seen him about 4 times and they're now late teens. Sometimes family is what we make it

Granny died just before COVID and was buried next to her parents and original husband. A year later (step) grandad died and was buried there too at their request. So she's buried with both husbands and I love it!!

Leave it out. He's not related to the baby. The only person he's helping is himself.

I find it sad all the implications of what his reason for changing a baby might be.
he has never had kids and wants the chance to experience every part of childcare. Also my husband and I always changed our grandchild it gives the mum a break from it.

I thought this too. Something feels off about this. Better to be safe than sorry...

A previous poster recommended a Sarah's Law request. Here's the link to the portal. I strongly suggest that you use it.

https://www.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sarahs-law/triage/v2/ask-police-for-information-child-sexual-offences/apply-for-information-sarahs-law2/

If he wants to be a good grandparent he shouldn't have fecked away your child's inheritance.

He does sound like a potential creep also.

I actually cannot fathom anyone deciding they would do anything for my baby without me wanting them to.

I was far too protective of them.
If I'd ever had even the slightest whiff of this, I actually cannot imagine how strong my reaction would have been.

My husband would have been quickly put on notice.

Never allow that creep near your baby again.

CAll him the guy you don't see anymore because he's giving groomer vibes and red flags.

@GreenAcreFarm22 , have you spoken to your husband?

Sorry OP but I think you need to be a lot stronger and protect your baby.

Why is this man getting to decide who changes nappies and who gets time with the baby? He's being allowed to dictate everything, in all honesty it sounds like there is a very determined predator quickly erasing all boundaries in pursuit of your child.

This man is not related to you or your husband, put a stop to all of it immediately. Let your MIL have a tantrum about it if she wants to. You've been way too passive about this.

You need a serious talk with your husband. You’ve barely mentioned him but you need him onside.

Love this approach!

The order of priority is your child’s welfare, your (and DH’s) comfort and then there is a huge full stop. Offence and playing nice do not come into it.

I don’t think my Dad has ever changed a nappy for any of my children, not because he thinks it’s women’s work anything but because when they were that age I was always on hand.
If he had been in sole charge of them he obviously would, he brought up me and my siblings on his own pretty much, but in our family usually babies get passed back to their parents for changing, unless they are obviously busy and then someone will volunteer (usually who ever is closest to the mat/changing bag)
I have step parents that have become part of the family since we’ve all been adults. They are given the title of Nana/Grandad, so my children have a Nana, Grandma and Grannie and then a Grandad, Grandpa and Grandad Fred.
For us they are just names/titles, the children have their favourites obviously, usually due to the amount of time they spend with them or the activities their Grandparents choose to do with them.
I would just call him Grandpa….., whatever his first name is when you are visiting, by the time you limit access because he’s unpleasant and stick with your boundaries over the baby’s personal care, there won’t be that many visits to be worried about what to call him.
How they got together isn’t really anyone business, if it was an affair etc
I’d only be concerned on how their present situation is, if he makes you uncomfortable, advocate for yourself and your child.
Just because your step FIL didn’t choose to have children doesn’t give him a he right to fulfil that role with someone else’s child, and I would have no qualms in saying that to both your MIL and FIL.

This OP, pls advocate for your son. No respectable family member bulldozers in and takes away nappy change from the baby’s mother obsessively, but doesn’t help out at all in other areas, just this on task only? this feels weird

Oh OP, protect that baby.

I would 100% go to the police and check up on him.

You need to spell it out to your husband that your baby is not a substitute anything to this man his mother has foisted on him.

I wouldn't want them visiting again.
Let it blow up.

You need to protect your baby.
His actions are not normal, they are chilling.