AIBU?

It doesn’t state massage itself but it is a sin to touch the skin of a person that isn’t lawful to you with the exception of medical reasons. Most practising Muslim men or women would not have treatments from the opposite sex although I know a lot of the younger generation are less strict on these things.

Does the Coran equal massage as sex? Because otherwise I don't understand the problem

I’m guessing you are Muslims. I would never dream of having a male massage me and my husband would not have a female. It’s just not how we do things so I don’t blame you for being angry.

He sounds a bit like my bil, can’t stand the thought of a man touching “his woman” be it massage, hair cuts, nails and hides his jealously behind religion and culture and despite saying he’ll have these boundaries for himself, he’d never allow a man to massage him.

I think that’s where OP is coming from, not that she thinks the masseuse would be all over him but that if OP had a male and didn’t decline the massage, he’d be angry.

It's clearly an unhealthy relationship for them both to behave this way.

I'm fully grown, thank you and don't lie to or set up my husband. Of course no-one has to lie, but lies can be felt necessary in the moment if feeling in a vulnerable situation - like being set up.

No one has to lie 🙄 grow up

Not true.
Even the most honest of us are capable of telling a lie to keep the peace or avoid hurting someone they love.

I totally disagree with this. Just because you are prepared to lie you are assuming other people must also be liars. I think it's especially important in a relationship not to lie because, as in this case, when the liar is caught out, it totally destroys trust.

You have jumped to the ridiculous conclusion - without evidence - that he has been sneaking around getting massages from women behind his wife's back.
This is pure fiction. My point was that because he lied about the Masseuse on this occasion there is now absolutely no reason for OP to know whether he has had massages from females previously because OP can no longer be trust anything he says.

Why do you assume a complete stranger must have the most base and dishonest motives?
He lied! He is dishonest ! I have no idea what his motives were. And neither do you or any one else. Because none of us are party to his thoughts. We just know he lied. His motives don't matter really.

made the mistake of telling a small lie
Lies aren't small. They reveal a person's character. Why ars you bending over backwards to minimise his behaviour. Do you not realise it's not the massage that's important here? It's his dishonesty to his wife.

I don't think either of you should be "enforcing" anything on the other. You should both decide for yourselves what does and doesn't make you feel comfortable.

Also, I don't see what religion has to do with it. I had a religious upbringing and believe in God. I don't recall any part of the scriptures that forbids massages delivered by members of the opposite sex.

Basically people are either truthful and would never lie or they are liars and can't be trusted to be honest.

Not true.

Even the most honest of us are capable of telling a lie to keep the peace or avoid hurting someone they love.

You have jumped to the ridiculous conclusion - without evidence - that he has been sneaking around getting massages from women behind his wife's back. He had a massage from a professional in a respectable and professional setting, not some sleazy sex club.

Why do you assume a complete stranger must have the most base and dishonest motives? Such a assumption doesn't reflect well on you and what motivates you.

Mumof2Here's husband arranged what should have been a pleasant treat for them to celebrate her birthday and made the mistake of telling a small lie to avoid upsetting her and spoiling their day.

I don't think you have anything to worry about Mumof2Here, your husband sounds like a kind and thoughtful man and was probably mortified to find himself in such an awkward position. It seems he mistakenly thought a small lie would save your feelings.

I hope you both managed to enjoy your weekend despite this setback.

Don't see any problem in a person or either sex doing the job (obviously if a client really doesn't want someone of the opposite sex doing it, that's up to them). Ideally he shouldn't lie, but if I knew my husband would have got mad at me in a situation like this, maybe I wouldn't have dared tell the truth. Not that I think it's right that a spouse feels scared to say something.

I’m not religious and the gender of the therapist would make no difference to me. However if he is imposing this rule on you then I would expect him to follow the same, and you YANBU.

This is ridiculous. It's a massage ffs. He was there with you!

What were you trying to 'catch him out' for? Doing literally nothing wrong?

That's pathetic, playing games like that. Most of us grow out of that behaviour at about 20. I don't blame him for lying if this is the bullshit he gets.

My massage therapist is a man. I see him every month. Sometimes, while he's massaging me, I have a good chat with his wife who works in the next room. They're professionals providing a service. Get a grip!

I used to have one like that. When he was unfaithful, I naively asked him: what was the point of those wedding vows then? His answer: to make sure you would be faithful to me.

I do not think you can blindly trust your OH to keep the rules that he expects you to live by.

Right, I can see why you would be pissed off. He has a major issue with you being seen by a male masseuse, so he pretends it is a joint boundary to control your decision about your own body, when he is fine with a female masseuse. He was caught out so lied to cover up.

But YABU still, well before the trip, to take seriously/accept his unreasonable boundary on your body in the first place. I doubt this is the only problem you will have with this man.

You know his feelings?

What exactly is the problem here, that he had a massage from a female or that he lied? If it's the lie then YANBU because lying is never a good thing, if it's that he had a female masseuse then YABU, he asked for a male, one wasn't available, that's not his fault, he didn't want to make a fuss and should he go without his massage? Was it his decision to request a male or did you ask him to do that? Did he lie because he knew you'd overreact over a female masseuse?

She did not put him in a position where he had to lie at all ffs. Why always these pathetic excuses for men.

I’d say you’re overreacting the whole male/female massage thing, they’re professionals. But he’s a twat for lying and trying to twist it to be your fault.

Would he have lied if you'd said "Jane said she'd treated you before she treated me. Is that right?"

Instead you put him in a position where he maybe felt he had to lie.

I don't know your relationship, but on the face of it, I can see why he lied when you have so little trust between you.

You think trying to catch him in a lie is healthy relationship communication?

I'm sorry so many posters are fundamentally not understanding your culture OP. FWIW I think YANBU because a) this is part of your faith and b) he lied to you and really doubled down. I would struggle to trust him after that.