To not want to help out my great aunt

AIBU to not want to help out my great aunt.

My great aunt (GA) has no children and her husband sadly died last year. In their 80s. Live about an hour away from me, it’s not an easy drive either.

Before her husband died they rarely saw us. We send cards at holidays but I probably haven’t seen her in 8+ years and she speaks to my DM on the phone maybe once every few months but never took up offers for visits.

Recently has been speaking to my DM saying that she needs help round the house with housework, meals, laundry etc and basically moaning that DM won’t help her - DM has bad knees and bad breathing and no longer drives long distances (it’s further from hers than mine) so DM has now told me (yes told, not asked) that I should be going round to my GA’s house every other day to help her out.
I wfh part time and have children in secondary and primary schools and frankly, even if I could carve out the time to do this, I’m not sure I really want to?!
AIBU to say no?!

Yes she's your aunt. Your mother's aunt is also your aunt. She's your great aunt. One of your grandparent's sisters. Make sure when you see that will, you say "no thank you, i did fuck all for her and so I really don't deserve a penny".

In my culture, we help each other. We live in extended families. That is why i get to decide whether it is beneficial or not for my individual children to go in paid childcare as well as family looking after them.

It's also why we know our family Will look after us when we are old, and not just stick us in a care home when it isn't the best thing for us.

It's why I'll never be 2 days postnatal, wondering if I have the energy or time to make myself a sandwich or have a shower.

It's really such a shame that the dominant culture here has lost all these values. It's so sad going into care homes and hearing of nurses having to comfort the dying because their families are too busy with their own life to even see them off.

It's shameful.

Again, we dont depend on women. The whole family helps the whole family. This thing where men do not cleaning or childcare is again, a your culture thing. It isnt the norm for many other cultures.

Again, we dont depend on women. The whole family helps the whole family. This thing where men do not cleaning or childcare is again, a your culture thing. It isnt the norm for many other cultures.

I’m not sure that it’s very moral to depend on the unpaid labour of women, especially in this day and age.

I’d actually like to go and visit my GA socially. That would be in line with family values. Not visiting because I have to work for her for free, especially when she could pay professionals (also usually women, who are contributing to society/the economy and should be paid for their work!)

Not in all cultures. And even thise where women do perform most personal care, the men step up in other ways such as working more to provide so their wife doesnt have to worry about bringing money in.

Yes but regular contact and a supportive network is not what OP has with this woman.

Extended families doesnt necessarily mean we all live locally. It means that we are in regular contact and in a mutually supportive network. It means we do feel some obligation to be there for relatives in need.

We have strong roots and close ties.

@TheHateUGive

You might have a general point about the erosion of what were considered traditional family values in this country. I agree that the elderly should not be seen as burdensome and more should perhaps be facilitated (by the government) to improve care for the elderly.

I have always generally got along well with people significantly older than me and generally respect them.

However, the practicalities of modern day life mean that many working adults are not able to provide the level of help that people may have done in the past. I don't think you are necessarily fully appreciating this.

I think you're being unfair in directing your disdain specifically towards the OP and her own situation. If she is not in a position where she is able to give that level of help, I don't think she should be shamed for it.

No, I don't. Men equally step up and tske care of the elderly. 2 of my great aunts live with their sons who provude full time while their daughter's visit. My husband stepped up for his uncle including personal care.

In our culture, men cook, clean and wash themselves. It's a must or you're labelled with a range of demeaning terms.

I don't tolerate unkindness or cruelty. I don't tolerate a society where we treat our old as burdensome. I can't stand the hypocrisy of complaining that you don't have support and then refusing to be supportive. I can see the generational differences in this current group of children who are slowly being removed from the care and guidance of their grandparents generation. They are worse people as a result.

You are free to tolerate those things.

Perfectly practical in my world. My husband and other relatives would step up and make sure she was supported to. Either by doing some themselves or taking care of my load so I can.

I think instead of pushing back and arguing on this. Maybe wonder how you can bring back some of this kind of caring ethos in your own culture.

Absolutely this. “Family values” relies on the unpaid labour of women.

I don't tolerate unkindness or cruelty. I don't tolerate a society where we treat our old as burdensome. I can't stand the hypocrisy of complaining that you don't have support and then refusing to be supportive. I can see the generational differences in this current group of children who are slowly being removed from the care and guidance of their grandparents generation. They are worse people as a result.

You are free to tolerate those things.

How come I know you're from a culture that expects WOMEN to do the unpaid caring work? And this is not someone OP loves- she hardly knows the woman. I hope you plan for your future because I'm not sure your dc will be your slaves when you're old.

You are being selfish and need to help your aunt. She is vulnerable and in need of help.