To not want to help out my great aunt

Your culture (whatever it is) needs manners.

I very much doubt she would like to expand. Because that'd mean getting fact checked.

Also it’s a 2 hour round trip. That a big ask. Once every 2 months yes. Every other day absolutely not.

OP our local authority provides a list of approved and safety checked cleaning services and handy persons. Obviously she would have to pay, but if your council runs a similar scheme maybe that’s the starting point.

Of course you shouldn't be guilt tripped into this. She should apply for attendance allowance and get cleaners or other help.

Why can’t she get a cleaner? Is it a financial issue?

Yes and I am sure the op is also very jealous that she doesn’t live in a culture where she isnt permitted to have a potentially interesting and fulfilling job and doesn’t have spare time for driving for hours and cleaning for someone she hardly knows, when there are far more practical time efficient options to provide this.

This is all bonkers 😂

I would also bet that "the mysterious culture" is also changing in the original area/country of that culture due to modern life changes.
As I said before, I can see it live in one of these places where we have family.
Nowhere is "perfect"

Who says it’s fucked up? It’s different and needed as society has shifted. My grandfather was cared for by my aunt (against his will by the way).

Because she has extensive finances from
her early career, no children, no husband.

Had she had paid work and childcare it would not be feasible to assist her parents.

The model has changed because the unpaid labour workforce has diminished and people no longer live next door to their circles.

I also don’t see the issue with retirement villages. It’s just prejudice that makes people deride them.

I do wonder whether those people who castigate us Brits for putting our relatives in care homes, have ever had to cope (largely unaided) with dementia, day in, day, out - (disturbed) night in, night out!

I suspect not, or at least not largely on their own. Anyone who’s done it will know how stressful and exhausting it can be.

The fact is, that when someone needs 24/7 care and supervision - by which I mean someone on hand ALL day, ALL night, 365 days a year, this may well be almost impossible to provide in an ordinary family setting.

I was so exhausted with my FiL, that when (after much pressure from dh) a BiL and SiL came to collect him to give me a break, I immediately collapsed on the sofa (in the middle of the day) and slept for 4 hours solid.

She may leave it all to charity, she may at a later date need to go into a care home and her her money used for fees. Not sure why you are so hung up on inheritance.

This would be a perfect response 😁

I would offer (in line with what time is felt able to give) to help her get set up with external agencies for cleaning, laundry, meal delivery etc.

What communities is she part of that would provide company? Is she a church goer? Neighbourhood association?

Exactly! The cheek to ask someone else to come clean their house.
op ‘tell’ her no. Goodness imahine not seeing or speaking to someone in 8 years and expecting them to clean their house. Would just piss me off really

This is a lie. Come on now. There are good and shitty parts in all cultures including your own. And there isn’t a single culture with extended family care as the norm where it’s not overwhelmingly lain at the feet of women (including my own.)

The culture debate is irrelevant to the topic. It’s an reasonable request for somebody with childcare and paid work responsibilities to have to carve out 3 hours a day / every other day to attend to an aunt who herself is clearly not bothered by family relationships.

You have not answered which of her current duties OP should drop to attend to her great aunt?

Oh come on, don't be daft - my answer would be; "I have enough going on, I will not be taking on amy more cooking and cleaning. Auntie needs to pay for some help."

I would probably offer to go once and handle a list of tasks GA needs help with and can't do alone if that would help, maybe even consider going periodically (once a month max) Every other day when it's an hour drive each way isn't practical even if you felt close to your great aunt and wanted to make the offer (not respond to the demand). How could it be unreasonable to say no?

It doesnt matter what she wants. She will likely be left some as one of her only relatives.

Good grief OP. As is the saying on here goes "you don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm".

Bloody cheek of your DM; thinking she can offer your services to keep DAunt entertained and her home clean/tidy?! Always someone who's free and easy with someone else's time! Absolutely no. Stick to your guns.

And while you are cleaning and keeping her company, who's spending time with your kids, who's earning your money to bring into your home, who's going to look after YOUR DM when she needs help, who's going to deal with all your life admin, who's going to do your shopping (or whatever you would normally be doing in those hours of helping out GA)???

@TheHateUGive

I'd like to know what your culture (overall) thinks of polytheism, witchcraft and occultism? Are they tolerant and accepting of those things?

Perhaps you’d like to expand on what culture yours is, and how it doesn’t disproportionally affect women ?

Going by how isolated and vulnerable she sounds, she likely won't make it on those