To not want to help out my great aunt

They dont want to. It's all very me, me, me and what have they done for me? It's a cultural thing

From the same person who opened with the fact that OP could be more likely to get an inheritance share if she steps up.

You don’t seem to be able to read your own words from your lofty cultural heights @TheHateUGive . OP doesn’t want to do unpaid labour for a woman she doesn’t know, and you’re lambasting her despite being very clear that you’d do it for the chance of an inheritance. That’s also very me,me,me.

Is hypocrisy valued as much as fake piety in this culture you say is so superior?

Persuading my parents to get cleaners in recently during an illness was such tough going! Not that they asked me to do it but just they were weirdly reluctant. And they wouldn’t have the food deliveries I offered to pay for!

No, this is not on you to do.

Women don’t exist to spend their whole lives and any free moment caring for others! Even for other women.

This is why paid cleaners exist. This is why there are loads of subscription type companies for healthy, ready made food. People need these services and luckily they can be purchased!

We have to normalise paying for these services not expecting women to do them for free.

If your great aunt genuinely needs that level of support, she probably needs local help, carers, cleaners, meal services or assistance from people who live nearby. It's fine to help occasionally if you want to but being told it's now your responsibility is a bit much.

Every other day?!

Hell no.

If GA wants help she needs to pay for it, sorry.

Again, saying this as a childless person who may well be alone one day.

It is different now as more women work, and they work longer hours than previously. Also, people live longer but in ill health, so their care needs can span years and years. We can't do what our grandparents etc did because we are working more, are more geographically dispersed and on top of that, it's not just helping for months/a year, it could go on for ten years. We retire later too, we go back to work after having children.

Plus, as a PP was saying that she wouldn't be left without help at two days postpartum and everyone should help out, many of us don't have family that do help in that way, and it goes both ways!

You can't do that every couple of days, it's a ridiculous solution.

Can great aunt not afford to pay someone to clean? She can order groceries online and cook simple stuff. That's what I do.

Quite. Or to put it more bluntly "I won't be your aunt's home help and I won't be yours either'.

My parents have plenty of money. But they required so much persuasion to pay a cleaner and a gardener. I was embarrassed at the amounts they were suggesting. I asked them how on earth they expected a cleaner to survive on that kind of hourly payment. Anyway, they had no choice but to agree in the end.

No they are not the same thing , she is a great Aunt, so anither generation back

my ds is Aunt to my dc and GA to my Dgc

i wouldn’t want to live with my dm or any other relatives

Convenient though that it’s you who is being exploited to help GA save money, it’s not like your DM is volunteering

Refer her to adult social care let them take over - it’s a ridiculous idea

I clicked the wrong option sorry.
she isn’t your issue.

Yes, in these threads no one ever seems to ask a man to care for them.
There was a thread the other day where someone said they grew up in a multi generation household where everything revolved around the eldest member's needs and they never want that for their own dc.

@Iwenttonigeria

A witch is someone who practices witchcraft. Some people may prefer to use a different, or additional terms - such as sorcerer, or occultist - but the term witch would also be a suitable descriptor.

You would drive an HOUR away, every other day? Give overrrrrrr

DM has now told me (yes told, not asked) that I should be going round to my GA’s house every other day to help her out

Your DM doesn't get to "tell" you any such thing - though she can try - but as in so many of these cases I'd gladly help out by supplying them with contacts for all the paid services which it seems your GA could easily afford

If and when they declare all these unsuitable you'll have your answer as to what they really want and can decide accordingly

I would join a local to DGA social media group and ask for recommendations for home helps/PA/gardeners/cleaners/whatever DGA needs the help with and then present the list to your DM so she can arrange assistance for her! Very cheeky of your mum to just pass the buck to you.
Or , suggest to DGA moves in with your mum…she might be 80, but that doesn’t mean she won’t live to 95!

You'd do this - a 2 hour round trip plus however many hours helping every other day when the OP has a busy family life and presumably many other commitments- for an aunt you hardly know? The OP has already said she has no interest in an inheritance, but even if she did there is no guarantee this would happen - the money may well be destined for the donkey sanctuary or the local cats and dogs home!

You live an hour away. How are you going to help her on a regular basis with housework, meals, gardening and laundry?! She needs a cleaner, a lady who irons, a food delivery company and gardener. The more you give the more she will take. You already work and have children. Just ignore it. If your mum asks again then refer her for an assessment from social services. I care for my father because he is disabled, the level of care has increased since he entered his 80s. What ever you provide now, more will be expected from you in the future.

Devils business? Clean bums? Collectivist culture? I'm guessing Nigeria.

A deeply patriarchal society with any number of issues including FGM and child marriage.

I can understand why someone brought up in a collectivist society would struggle to understand a very individualistic one like the UK though.

Bully for them. I like my job thanks so if my dh thought he could work more and earn more so I could clean more and clean and cook for elderly rellies I’d say are you on drugs? That sounds awful. Why would I want to clean more when I can have a job I like and split the cleaning with you since we’re both whole competent adults?

Your mum is the problem here. She has no right to volunteer you and needs to be firmly told to wind her neck in.

Of course you can't spend hours every other day caring for some woman you barely know, and who hasn't asked for your help/made any effort to get to know you anyway. Why does society think it's entitled to unpaid labour from women still?

We will all be old and lonely at times someday and if I had an elderly relative, I would (have) help(ed) where I could on my terms. Such as -

Connect her to agencies needed including to help around house.
Be next of kin in event of emergency.
Visit and maybe take her out somewhere every 2-3 weeks if she is able, and you have time.
Phone every week for a chat.
If she doesn’t have a network where she is suggest she moves closer.
Connect her to befriending groups.

Tell her you have too much on with work, kids, school, you wish you could clone yourself and do more but it’s just impossible. Repeat, calmly and matter of fact, as often as necessary.