To not want to help out my great aunt

We used to have friends in Mumbai (Indian) one of whose elderly parents with dementia was cared for in her own home, many miles from Mumbai, by two live in carers. As friends pointed out, such arrangements are a great deal cheaper and easier to organise there than in the U.K. The woman also told me that such arrangements are not at all unusual for those who can afford it - and you didn’t need to be particularly well off.

Of course there will be those who cannot.

On that topic, a dd worked for a while in rural Cambodia, where she witnessed a grandmother with dementia being tied to a chair outside all day, to stop her a) from wandering off and getting lost, and b) weeing and pooing in the house.

She was hosed down once a day.
For such people - the rural very poor - there was no alternative.

@SooPanda has a young family and doesn't have time to do this every other day - its a massive ask for someone she doesn't have a relationship with. She shouldn't be be guilt tripped on this.. women get that sort of nonsense all the time.

I think your GA and DM are of the generation where if you needed help in old age, some poor member of the extended family would step in. Times have changed and this isn't the norm any more, and your GA and DM need to get up to date. There are many agencies, companies, and charities that provide daily or weekly help of the kind you mention. The GA will have to pay, of course, but if she is really hard up and her needs are serious enough, the state may help out with various benefits. I know this is a cultural leap for some folks of the older generation or even younger folks who haven't faced these situations before – we had to do our research and come up with sources of help for our elderly mother – but it's a leap that must be made. The most you should do is help your GA and DM with their research. We found a company called Helping Hands, who were great. Also, for those elderly people who want to get out and about, Driving Miss Daisy is worth looking into.

@SooPanda I've been 24/7 carer for my bedbound husband for years and do it willingly. In in your situation I'd be saying get a cleaner and telling DM to take a hike. Totally unrealistic and ridiculous expectation.

You've gone from not wanting to do this to taking on a sort of overseer/managerial role! Your mother has worked her magic. Mum and Auntie will become increasingly reliant on you - it will become your 'job' to fill in the gaps. Within months you will be run ragged and wish you had said 'no' straightaway. It will be much harder to back away once you start because "Auntie depends in you". Good luck.

Even if you wanted to it's not feasible to visit every other day. It would take, more or less, all day.

You've a job, children, home life etc.

To visit one a fortnight, once a month, emergencies - possibly. (So long as there's no crying wolf.)

I don't think your problem is your aunt but your Mum. Did she have a full on life with children, work etc? Has she forgotten?

Before my mum went into care I spent 2/3 days/week living with her. My brother, who lives very locally, did the rest. I did this for 18 months/2 years.

It was hard work and I'm retired, children have flown the nest and some weeks I took my DW with me.

All the best.

Yes, because they have their own lives to live. The elderly relatives have lived their lives and shouldn't destroy other people's lives. Caring for someone is an awful task and most people don't want to do it.

If you do then great, but don't expect other people to.

Many of the responses on this thread are talking about a situation that doesn't exist for the OP. Of course in some families there is a culture of all helping each other out - I'm in a family like that, have benefitted from lots of help with my kids etc and fully expect to help out with older relatives in the future. But the OPs GA has not chosen to be in that type of close family set up and so she really can't expect to turn around at this point and reap the benefits of that type of support

That’s an idea

I really would be careful of getting too involved. What if she has a fall? You don't want her to contact you in the middle of the night and you certainly don't want SS to think that you are her next of kin.

So I would tread very carefully as SS will take advantage of anyone they can pass the problem on to.

If it was me, I wouldn't get involved at all especially as you hardly know her.

Succinctly put! Nothing else needs to be said, OP. Your mum has no right offering your time and energy to anyone.

Apply here

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

Ok, you perhaps help her get adult social care, I think maybe your mum is testing the waters as to how you'll be with her, it's hard, because generally we don't live in close proximity to each other any more,and the expectation that women will care is still the norm.
I maybe would have helped once a week say,IF I had been close to her,but I think you are right to say no, it's very hard caring for someone, emotionally as well as physically,and the expectation seems to get more as times go on ,who will see to her if she goes in hospital say?
That's a burden,and if you are seen to be doing the caring ,social services will quite happily let you.

It may be that your mom isn't worried about the day to day spending cutting into inheritance but whether she/you will be in the will at all if no support is given. (I know this isn't important to you.) Or maybe she just thinks family should help.

Sounds like you have the right approach in helping to arrange care.

Yes that's a good board. It was on there I saw someone posting that they grew up in a multi generation household where everything revolved around the needs of the oldest person and they'd never want that for their own dc.

It's not always as great as people make out, especially where there has been abuse in the family.

My neighbour grew up in a country where there are multi generation households but she now lives half way across the world. So sees them once or twice a year.

Suggest your GA applies for attendance allowance it is not means tested

She can pay for carers, shoppers,, transport anything to make her life easier

Christ this generation may be needy but some are SO frigging entitled. My mother always says she 'hates asking' but knows damn well that someone will help. Don't get involved at all from the outset, unless you want it to take over your life. I have gone from the 7 year caring of DF, (needed very intense 24/7 care) before rolling straight on to my mother, who started to ail just as he died. She does have some genuine needs, but she's such an alarmist. I think I'm suffering from carers fatigue. I adored my dad and would have had him living with me if I could have managed physically, not so much my mother. I don't get on with her and I hate it.

No of course you are not BU to say no. Sounds like your Mum just wants a way out of the problem. You've had very little to do with this (somewhat distant) relative. Don't be guilt-tripped. It's funny how so many people are very happy for someone else to do something they don't want to do.

So 3 hours minimum, then, including the 2 hour round trip to get there and back?

For a woman who (by the sound of it) can well afford to pay for local support to make her life easier, and who could have extended invitations or arranged to visit family herself at any point over the years if they were that important to her and she wanted to invest in those relationships?

She’s not even picked up the phone to the OP, who barely knows her anyway, in 8 years. I’m very family orientated, but it’s ridiculous to suggest she should upend her life for a virtual stranger.

Fortunately most of us don’t live in an episode of EastEnders, so don’t necessarily feel it’s ‘shameful’ not to do this ‘because faaaamily’. It’s batshit.

Ther are some extraordinarily goady posts on this thread. @SooPanda come on over to the elderly relatives board where you can have a sensible discussion about if and how to support your great aunt and also your mum. I would caution against even offering to do admin because once you make yourself “the fixer” in the elderly persons mind then you will be on the hook for everything as their needs increase.

As for the “I’d never dump my relatives in a home” posts - well that attitude can F right off. Firstly when our grandparents were elderly, they generally were well with a bit of help with shopping from their locally based family, had a short illness and died. Today’s elderly people are living a lot longer, but not necessarily in good health. They now survive the pneumonia, heart attacks and strokes that carried off our grandparents, but live in a fragile state. They need far more help with daily tasks and their family is likely to be scattered far and wide as people move for jobs. It’s a very different situation. Secondly, there comes a point where said elderly person may have needs that even family and/or paid carers can’t keep them safe at home any more. A confused, immobile, and/or incontinent elderly person needs 24 hour support from trained staff in a location with lots of safety equipment. Today’s care homes (the good ones at least) are miles away from the “gods waiting room” dismal places of our grandparents day.

You would really drive 2 hours each visit, plus the time required spent doing jobs, for a relative you barely know and who has never made much effort with you? You must be a saint!

Well if she had no children and didn't take steps to build strong relationships with the younger generation of the family, who did she think was going to take care of her in her old age? It was a foregone conclusion that she was going to have to organise her own care. As a woman who has lived a long life with no dependents, she should have plenty of savings built up to pay for help.

@SooPanda you need to have a frank conversation with your mum. You don’t exist to fill in the gals she doesn’t want to. This woman is as good as a stranger to you yet the expectation is that you should run yourself ragged to save your mother’s guilt. Absolutely not.

I think you can say you will help by contacting Social Services who will make a visit to discuss carers and attendance allowance applications. A cleaner package can be added into that as well.

Absolute lunacy to suggest you should help out; you have far too much on your plate.