To not want to help out my great aunt

So 2 hours of travel, plus hour there is 3 hours every second day.

Again. When should that be done. Instead of work or instead of own childcare time?

@TheHateUGive

In the OP's case, though, it sounds like she has a lot of other responsibilities to account for which would make helping out to this extent very difficult or impossible.

OP works (part time, but that could be spread out over five days a week.) One of her children is still in primary school, so she may have school collection to do, as well as perhaps preparing dinner.

Her great aunt lives an hour away, so it's a two-hour round trip that would probably have to be done in the evening most times. Two hours in the evening, with probably at least an hour to do the tasks with which the GA needs help...it's quite a lot, especially when it's expected to be done every other day.

Once a week would be be easier and more understandable. But the level of help as has been described sounds excessive to me, considering the OP's other duties.

Nope. I’d offer to help her fill out the form for attendance allowance if she qualifies. If not she needs to get a cleaner.

Whi specified that amount of time?

It's an old woman living alone. An hour each time will be fine.

I'd tell you husband that my aunt needs help so he has to do a bit more at home or see that someone else does while I step up. This is everyday stuff in my family. Really isn't a big deal. We help each other. That is what family is for in cultures where the family hasn't been eradicated by allegiance to capitalism.

Definitely too much to

Oh get off your high horse. What culture are you from? Let us know so we can provide an equally robust critique.

I may be wrong but I’d hazard a guess that in your culture the way of life you pompously champion here is historically reliant on the women’s main role being one of unpaid full-time care-giver / home-maker. I’m not denigrating this - this is admirable and noble work - but the majority of UK society now is based around both women and men working outside the home in paid employment (usually out of necessity).

When this is the case, who is this unseen workforce of familial care-givers you propose? Oh that’s right, it’s still expected to be women, who now not only have jobs & the lions share of the parenting, but are now shamed by naive comments such as yours for not also taking on work as unpaid carers for relative strangers.
Rightio.

At what time would you suggest the 3-4 hours of help are done. When at work or when looking after own kids?

What i am saying is that as she is one of her only loving relatives, she will likely inherit from her whether she cares or not. For that reason alone, which the OP knows full well, I'd get off my arse and help the old woman out.

I mean I do this for neighbours just because they're local to me and need help so of course id do it for my aunt an hour away.

I can’t be sure I’d even do this for my own mother tbh - let alone a great-aunt. Bonkers.

Yes she's your aunt. Your mother's aunt is also your aunt. She's your great aunt. One of your grandparent's sisters. Make sure when you see that will, you say "no thank you, i did fuck all for her and so I really don't deserve a penny".

In my culture, we help each other. We live in extended families. That is why i get to decide whether it is beneficial or not for my individual children to go in paid childcare as well as family looking after them.

It's also why we know our family Will look after us when we are old, and not just stick us in a care home when it isn't the best thing for us.

It's why I'll never be 2 days postnatal, wondering if I have the energy or time to make myself a sandwich or have a shower.

It's really such a shame that the dominant culture here has lost all these values. It's so sad going into care homes and hearing of nurses having to comfort the dying because their families are too busy with their own life to even see them off.

It's shameful.

That's batshit!
On a separate note, start thinking about what your mum's expectations of her old age and any family/professional care will be and let her know what your thoughts on the matter are. Presumably your mum will have decades ahead of her to plan financially and mentally if you aren't able/willing to meet her expectations. Start those conversations now

Family values? Helping out with the expectation you’ll be left something? Nice values!

Why isn’t the great aunt expected to have the values of not imposing on a woman she hasn’t seen in 8 yrs, who has a job and children to look after. Why is the “family value” that OP needs to bend over backwards and sacrifice time with her immediate family, rather than great aunt getting a cleaner.

The GA didn't seem to do much sustaining either. Driving somewhere every two days to clean/shop / do whatever for someone you have no relationship with is not "sustaining family values".

I find it very hard to believe your mother would suggest this, @SooPanda.

The natural thing for her to have done would be to encourage your great aunt to investigate the usual outside sources of help.

It would be reasonable for you to google and pass a list on to your mother.

(I’m very family oriented - in normal circumstances.)

No, there's no reason for you to take on that responsibility. I say this as a childless GA, living alone with long term health problems. It's my responsibility to organise my own care, not my family's.

A two hr round trip every other day to help with housework and cooking? Has your mum lost her mind??

🙄

Your aunt needs to arrange help to allow her to stay in her own home.
No way would I be doing this.

Don’t do it! Why should you? If she needs help she will have to pay for it. Can your DM ring adult social care and ask for an assessment of need for your aunt? She may qualify for a care package