AIBU to wonder about a 'curfew' for 18-year-olds after clubbing?

Sympathies OP, I hated this stage: they needed to be living their 18 year old lives, but I still had Mum worried and didn’t sleep well!

Of they’re off to Uni there will be no curfew, no MumTaxi, so let them get used to how to manage late nights while they are still within reach!

We live in London with night buses and Ubers so it was OK.

Rules to encourage: They must stick together, have an uber account / taxi number and take care not to let phone battery die. It might often be more practical to share an inner to one friend’s house, in which case they must text you.

I suspect quite a few parents who have unreasonable curfews and are unusually strict with adult DC impose them because they want the DC to move out quicker than they might have done.

Tbf creating an environment where its the DC choice is a less hurtful approach than just asking them to move out.

They're adults, you can't impose a curfew. You can expect they are quiet when they do come in and don't wake you up. If they're going to uni, they'll be able to do as they wish anyway. If you are too strict now they'll go even wilder at uni once they're cut loose.

No curfew but have to message if not coming home.
I didn’t wait up for them but equally they knew they could always phone if they had an emergency or needed to get out of a situation.

I was responding to those who have said they shouldn't have any rules or restrictions at that age.

They are Adults, treat them as such.

Oh no I wouldn't be pretending that I'm happy to wait up all hours past my bedtime not knowing what time she would come in and make myself exhausted in the process.

She's fine about it, she knows the score and isn't rude or disrespectful enough to ignore it. Going from 17 to 18 doesn't mean you can suddenly do whatever you like.

I have a son the same age, he was 18 in June. He does not have a curfew. He is my youngest of three, we have said to all the kids that they need to let us know if they are NOT coming home, just a text so that if we wake up in the morning and they're not there, we know why. We have also said that if there is any issue at all with ever getting home to pick up the phone and call and we will sort it out - that's the same for the oldest who is 23.

yeah that’s why I said I wouldn’t make it a big deal that I was staying awake I’d just have to do it without making them feel guilty but also know I’d be on the other end of the phone for anything if scared or unsafe.

If they are going to uni in September part of your role as a parent is to prepare them for this.
By having a midnight curfew at 18 one month then free rein the next could cause all sorts of problems op.
It will be like they are out of the box so could very much end up dancing on the lid and not in a good way

At 18 my sons never had a curfew. To be fair on the whole they were quiet coming in. The only way I knew they were home was the leftover pizza boxes in the kitchen!

Let them stay out and have their fun! Just set some ground rules: if you come in late, come in quietly, and if you decide to stay at a friend's house text to let you know.

Curfews at 18 are ridiculous.

Also a curfew makes no logical sense. It’s not like Cinderella and after a particular time the world suddenly becomes dangerous but before that time it’s absolutely fine?!

Curfew - no - but an expectation of sharing general plans ( pub only or clubbing) and a check there was a plan to get home. I always felt they were safer staying with the group than coming home alone to meet a specific time. Same with parties. First few times , I would insist on checking phone battery so I knew they’d be able to get an Uber home if needed. A couple of years on and this is a running joke and they still say ‘Don’t worry - phone’s on 80%’ as they go out!

No curfew here. They tend to get in around 1am but last year my eldest states out until 6.30am, I only knew because they told us. They come in and are quiet and respectful of others in the house.

It’s such a special age. Why mar it with weird unnecessary strictness?

I don’t do curfews at that age. The rule is that you come into the house quiet enough not to disturb everyone. If you disturb everyone then there’s an issue, but if you don’t it’s fine.

I had a curfew. Meant I sat in a bus stop in the daft hours twice after nightclubbing with my Grandparents (who brought me up) thought I was staying with a friend. Then I started booking a room in a really dodgy hotel. I was probably safer in the bus stop in hindsight.

I go more for DC (and it's more my DS, as DD is 12 and does have strict curfews/is not allowed out on an evening!) being respectful, being safe, letting me know who they're going to be out with, where they'll be headed, how they'll be getting home and so on. I ask my eldest to let me know if he'll be staying at a friend's place, and to drop me a text when he is starting to head home/any changes in plans. My phone is on all the time so any problems, he can call me. Open communication is important to us. I work FT as a nurse so I do ask that people are quiet, respectful etc when they come in. Life 360/Find my phone are kept on for all of us (me, my DS and my DD). Sometimes - if I have work the next day (as I have to wake up at 5am to be on the ward for 6:30/7am), we do negotiate curfews. My house is small (and only one reception room downstairs) but I don't have a problem with him bringing his friends back, as I'd rather they're safe at mine. Currently one of his friends is asleep on my sofa (and my DSS is on a camp bed upstairs in DS's room!)!! I think that those rules are reasonable. DS is 19 (20 in September) and these rules/talks have worked very well for us. I do worry but it's easier knowing that DS and his friends know to keep in touch and keep safe. When DS was at school, I did put in curfews and so on (on school nights) as I didn't want school work/studies to suffer.

I've had to do "mum rescue" three times:

-once when DS was at home with me, but when other friends had messaged him to let him know that some girls they knew were paralytic in a local park (lovely park during day time hours but not somewhere you go after dark as that is where people go to drink/do drugs) and needed rescuing. They were all in Lower 6th and didn't drive. It was a freezing January evening, and I insisted on driving out there with him (he didn't drive and wanted to go out and help them!), finding the girls and then ensuring they all got home safe (and thank God I did, because one of the girls tried to tell her parents that my son had been with them and plied them with alcohol - he had not, he had been at home with me and DD that afternoon and evening, studying for his Yr 12 mocks!). It was a pitch black, below-freezing January night. The girls were half dressed, had lost coats/shoes and were freezing cold and covered in vomit. They were highly vulnerable. I had to find out their parents' numbers (for two of them) and get them picked up. I then had to get the third girl back to my car, and figure out where the hell she lived (10miles out of town - no bus or taxi would have taken her) and get her home. Had my son tried to manage that on his own, he could have been falsely accused of something he'd not done (the girls had told their parents that they were studying at a friend's house but then bought in a lot of vodka and hung out in the park on the sly, then the third girl tried to lie and say that DS had been the one that gave them vodka and took them to the park!). I think that event was the thing that made him realise just how important open communication was, and how bad things could have got if he hadn't involved me. To be fair, the parents of the girls were horrified at what had happened (and thanked me/my DS for helping them!).

-once when my DS had too much to drink, so I got him and his friends back to my place safely, and made sure they were all alright.

-once when I'd expected DS and his friends back at midnight (that's what they told me). I woke up and saw it was about 2am, they weren't back so I checked Life 360 and saw DS was at hospital!! Phoned him straight away: turned out a random drunk guy had head butted one of his friends and they'd taken the friend to hospital to get checked out. Again, I got them all back home safely.

Its all part of the "my anxiety/depression/health condition is everyone elses problem to fix for me"

(I say that as someone with a condition that also affects my sleep and makes me feel like shit, but I dont expect everyone else to have to stop their normal daily lives)

Would you have a different approach if they were boys? I have an 18 year old DS he doesn't have a curfew. I don't lie awake worrying about him because frankly I'm too tired. He usually texts if he's going to be really late i.e. 3am onwards, or if he's sleeping over. That's our deal - no curfew, but he's responsive on his phone. Having said that, his girlfriend and all his friends live very locally - he's rarely more than a 20 minute walk from home. We live city centre, he doesn't have far to go and doesn't need to rely on trams/ metros / buses to get home. He's not a fan of clubs and doesn't drink much (not compared to me at the same age).

We live in a tiny flat and I rarely hear him come in tbh.

I don’t think you can really set a curfew, they’re adults. When I was that sort of age my mum would leave the hall light on and then I’d switch it off when I got in so when she woke for the loo she’d know if I was in or not. I also knew I needed to come on quietly so as not to wake anyone and lock the front door.

But the OP’s eighteen year olds haven’t brought random strangers home nor have they woken her up. Mine go clubbing when they want to until they want to and have never brought any random people home. I don’t even think I’ve specified that as a rule, it’s just a given!

I don’t give a curfew but ask them to keep me informed. Let me know if they are going to be back late etc. I think that’s a respect thing, as I wouldn’t just walk out the house without telling someone where I was going .

Let them enjoy themselves, as long as they are sensible and have their mobiles and a plan for getting home I don’t see the problem.
I’d have a curfew on weeknights when still in school/college but after that you can’t really tell and adult when they have to be home (unless they’re expecting lifts from you of course)