AIBU to wonder about a 'curfew' for 18-year-olds after clubbing?

She's absolutely fine honestly, she just doesn't get to take the piss and stay out all night without a word. She has a boyfriend and he doesn't expect to take the piss either, he respects my rules.

But if she won't go to uni ior won't go for a night out because of your worries, you're clipping her wings by default. Isn't it our job as parents of young adults to give them the space and push them if necessary to get out there into the world to develop adult level judgement and independence?

Still WIP for my 19 year old, but she asked if she could go away for the weekend yesterday. DH and I teased her a bit for thinking it was our decision. There's scope for insisting on some house rules while they are under your roof, sure, but it's also our job to evolve our relationship with them. They need to think of themselves as adults, have the confidence to engage with the world as an adult, and that starts with parents allowing their own relationship with them to evolve into a healthy adult-adult relationship.

I think it reasonable to come home at between 2 and 3am. Later than that and they are waking you up. And given your anxiousness you may not have even gone to sleep.
Nothing to do with their age. They are adults. But still living at home. So need to realise you live there too.

mine was no curfew but be home by whatever time you’ve said, come in quietly and if you ever get stuck to ring my dad and he would come and get me

No there isnt magic help but its really not on for our anxieties to impact our children. Restricting a grown woman's activities and infantilising her isnt going to help her in life.

Again, shes fine with it for now (whether genuinely or humouring you). She wont be fine with it much longer and you have a real risk of your behaviour leading to her being massively unprepared for situations she'll face.

And as I say, if/when she meets someone and wants to go out with them, she cant be saying she has a curfew to them, they'll run a mile!

I will be continuing as I am but there really is no magic cure for mum worry.

No that's a whole different ballgame going there, obviously I couldn't stop her if she did get the qualifications and wanted to but can't imagine the worry.

Untrue.

You can choose to recognise it as a problem and take steps to deal with your anxiety in whatever way that works for you. Or you can shrug your shoulders and continue as you are.

Ah no need for her to develop her own independence and judgement like other young adults her age then.

Nope she's absolutely fine with it. Same applies with boys, obviously doesn't expect to be out all hours of the morning with. She has been on holiday. There is no magic help for worrying.

Just because she understands it doesn’t make it fair. If she upped and moved out with a boyfriend tomorrow, how would you feel if he gave her a “curfew” it would be deemed as controlling. As long as she is respectful pf the home whats the issue?

I understand you worry, all parents worry about their children for a lifetime but you have to unclench. My stepmum recently told me she found it so incredibly hard when I moved out because she had no idea where I was or if I was okay, she never let on to me though because she knew I was a young adult and it was none of her business.

I had a curfew till I moved out and it was part of the reason I was out so fast. I love my mum btw there’s no bad blood there but when she said the words “home by 1AM” I upped my hours and started looking that same day 😭.

I didn't have a curfew when I turned 18 but my mum asked that I respect the household and have some courtesy which seemed fair. I would try to give her a rough time I'd be home (whenever that may be) and be extremely quiet when I arrived back. I shared a room with my younger sister so I was good at creeping around, and likewise she was good at letting me have a lie-in the next day!

Mine didn’t have a curfew at 18. They had to come in quietly and if they were due home but during the night their plans changed and they wouldn’t be home, they had to let
me know, so that when I woke up I’d see there not home message and not panic that they weren’t home.

she is correct about not going to the clubs till midnight & closing 3/4am then need to find taxi or uber etc.

first couple of times I kept waking up worrying but you soon get over that once they’ve done it a few times!

She's fine with it now, or wants you to think its fine. Will she have to be home like Cinderella when she goes on a date with someone? She might want to go on holiday soon too, or a weekend away. You'll be forced to face your anxieties then. Please get some help, for all of you.

She's fine with my house rules and understands where I'm coming from. There's no magic solution to making worry disappear anyway.

She isn't going to uni so haven't needed to think about all of that.

Dd was 18 in May, no curfews but I have asked her to not be out all hours when I’m working the next day. She’s moving out in September to uni so I’m trying to remember this and not be over concerned about where she is but it is easier said than done.

It's not something that will change, you can't not worry. DD is fine with my house rules anyway, I did say that from my 1st or 2nd comment.

You'll have to get some help then, because you absolutely should not be giving your DC a curfew when they are a bit older. You'll push them away or make them anxious which is really not cool.

Would you allow her to go away to uni?

If an 18 or 19 year old is out at Weds club night at their students union bar, are they "taking the piss" of their mother?

@Tink3rbell30 that’s a YOU problem that you need to sort out, not impose rules on other adults just because of your worries.
Of course we worry, and I don’t sleep well when they are out late, but that’s my problem to get over and realise that they are now adults.

At 12 people will only be turning up to the clubs, the night won’t have even started properly by then.
they are now adults and as scary as it is you can’t impose a curfew on them, as especially not as early as midnight!
my rule is that they text me to keep me updated so that I don’t worry- i dont think you can ask an adult for anymore really, even if they’re only 18.

Then I genuinely hope you get some help with that as its really not fair for others lives to be affected just because you cant sleep.

I didn't have a curfew at 18 the only rule was they needed to know if I wanted picking up before dinner so Dad didn't drink and he wouldn't pick me up after 11pm. If i wasn't being picked up they wanted to kno where I was staying, usually with a friend.