Page 2 | Would you apply for Clare’s Law check with no concerns about your partner?

Latteapparel · 2026-06-18T21:55:09+00:00

I would appreciate some objective views on this please. I have been with my new partner for around four months. He couldn’t be more different from the men in my past relationships. He is kind, gentle, emotionally available, a devoted father and, so far, has given me absolutely no reason to think he is violent, abusive or controlling. There are currently no red flags that I can see and this isn’t about any concerns regarding him. However, I have been in three domestically abusive relationships in the past. In one of those cases, I applied for a Clare’s Law disclosure and the police asked to meet me in person. They told me there was information about him that they considered concerning, although they could not tell me what it was. That experience has left me wondering whether I should now apply for a Clare’s Law disclosure in my current relationship, even though I don’t have any concerns at all. Before anyone suggests I need to work on my boundaries or self-esteem, I left each relationship when the domestic abuse became apparent. My concern isn’t that I stayed in abusive relationships; it’s that none of them appeared abusive at the beginning, which is why I’m questioning whether a Clare’s Law check is simply a sensible safeguarding measure for someone with my history. Part of me thinks it is a practical precaution. Another part of me worries it is unfair or unnecessary when someone has done nothing to make me suspicious. If you had a history of domestic abuse but no concerns about your current partner, would you apply for a Clare’s Law disclosure as a matter of routine? Thank you for reading.

fivepastmidnight · 19/06/2026 01:03

Yes I think you should. I don't think it's practical for every woman to have one every time they meet someone they're considering dating and I think it's a shame that it's necessary but I think that would be useful. however given your history best case scenario is there's nothing to find out And your mind is put at rest.

Mingou · 19/06/2026 00:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PollyBell · 19/06/2026 00:43

SALaw · 19/06/2026 00:31

Yes but it could come back with something? So that’s the point? You have an odd way to look at this.

Show quote history

I don't think so, comes back clear means wasn't caught if there is issues and may give a fase sense of security. Comes back with something sure relationship over but I would be more worried I can't trust my own judgement and would stop dating if that was the case

greenied · 19/06/2026 00:34

It seems the right thing to do at this point in your relationship. More people should do this. I know it’s not fool proof but it’s definitely there to help and thank goodness it is. I hope this fella is as good as he sounds, you deserve to be treated respectfully and enjoy your life.

SALaw · 19/06/2026 00:31

PollyBell · 18/06/2026 23:02

No because what is the point? it could come back with nothing doesnt mean I would be safe or there is no concerns or he isnt hiding something

if I ever got to the stage of needing that the relationship would be over in that instant regardless I dont need to keep my head in the sand

Yes but it could come back with something? So that’s the point? You have an odd way to look at this.

Original poster

Latteapparel · 19/06/2026 00:28

ktopfwcv · 19/06/2026 00:23

Very good point.

Show quote history

See my response above.

OP posts:

ktopfwcv · 19/06/2026 00:23

LearningToSwim · 19/06/2026 00:05

I’m questioning whether a Clare’s Law check is simply a sensible safeguarding measure for someone with my history.

I think I’ve just been bloody unlucky

My difficulty wasn’t recognising abuse once it occurred; it was that none of these men presented as abusive at the outset. That’s precisely why I’m asking about Clare’s Law. The question isn’t whether I ignored obvious warning signs, but whether someone with my history should consider it as a sensible safeguarding tool in future relationships.

You have asked whether someone wth your history should get a CL check done, but are taking umbrage at posters who refer to your history and suggest you should perhaps examine why this has happened. Why is your history relevant (as you seem to think it is) if you’ve just been unlucky?

Edited

Very good point.

Original poster

Latteapparel · 19/06/2026 00:21

WilfredsPies · 19/06/2026 00:11

What I struggle with is the assumption that there must be something obvious about me that explains them

I think the point being made is not that there’s something about you that is attracting them, but that you may not be picking up on subtle indicators that suggest someone is not a good man. And I’m well aware that violence can also start out of the blue, but there are very often very small clues that indicate someone is not a nice, decent man.

I don’t disagree that, with hindsight, there may have been subtle indicators in some cases. One of the men I was referring to could be disrespectful and angry towards his elderly mother, and I challenged him on that repeatedly because I considered it unacceptable behaviour.

However, he was never like that with me. We were together for four years without any physical violence. It was only after the death of his father, during an episode where he was extremely upset, angry and distressed, that he pushed me. At that point I ended the relationship, reported the matter to the police and asked him to leave.

That is just one example of the three relationships. The reality is that life and people are often more complex than a neat list of red flags that can be identified in advance.

Whilst some posters seem keen to play psychologist and determine why these relationships happened, my question was actually much simpler than that. Regardless of the reasons, and regardless of whether there were subtle clues that only make sense with hindsight, would you apply for a Clare’s Law disclosure if you had my history?

That is the advice I am genuinely interested in hearing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Latteapparel · 19/06/2026 00:14

LearningToSwim · 19/06/2026 00:05

I’m questioning whether a Clare’s Law check is simply a sensible safeguarding measure for someone with my history.

I think I’ve just been bloody unlucky

My difficulty wasn’t recognising abuse once it occurred; it was that none of these men presented as abusive at the outset. That’s precisely why I’m asking about Clare’s Law. The question isn’t whether I ignored obvious warning signs, but whether someone with my history should consider it as a sensible safeguarding tool in future relationships.

You have asked whether someone wth your history should get a CL check done, but are taking umbrage at posters who refer to your history and suggest you should perhaps examine why this has happened. Why is your history relevant (as you seem to think it is) if you’ve just been unlucky?

Edited

I don’t think the two are mutually exclusive.

If someone’s house had been burgled three times, it would be entirely reasonable for them to become more security-conscious and perhaps install an alarm, cameras or stronger locks. That doesn’t necessarily mean there was something inherently wrong with the householder or that they were responsible for the burglaries.

In the same way, my history is relevant because it naturally makes me more aware of risk and more likely to consider safeguarding measures that others might never think about. That doesn’t automatically mean there is a specific flaw in my judgement or some identifiable characteristic that explains every abusive relationship I’ve experienced.

Of course I’ve reflected extensively on whether there are any patterns I should learn from. Equally, I think it’s important not to overstate our ability to predict abusive behaviour. Many perpetrators appear charming, trustworthy and entirely non-abusive until a relationship is well established.

The reason I’m considering Clare’s Law is not because I believe there is something fundamentally wrong with me, but because experience has taught me that abuse is not always apparent at the outset. To me, Clare’s Law is more akin to fitting a burglar alarm after previous break-ins than it is an admission that I somehow caused them.

OP posts:

StolenTeapots · 19/06/2026 00:13

Do it x

WilfredsPies · 19/06/2026 00:11

What I struggle with is the assumption that there must be something obvious about me that explains them

I think the point being made is not that there’s something about you that is attracting them, but that you may not be picking up on subtle indicators that suggest someone is not a good man. And I’m well aware that violence can also start out of the blue, but there are very often very small clues that indicate someone is not a nice, decent man.

Original poster

Latteapparel · 19/06/2026 00:07

Tinywhitebutterfly · 18/06/2026 23:52

OP it's really not common to have had three relationships which were physically abusive.

It's great that you got out as soon as the abuse started, but you have repeatedly rejected advice to consider how you end up in these relationships in the first place.

You're not going to lose anything by considering how you've ended up in damaging relationships - no one is criticising you, but people are concerned, including women who've experienced abuse themselves.

It's a great idea to use Clare's law to check out a guy, but if you don't try to work out how you attract these men, it's a bit like using the morning after pill for everyday contraception.

Show quote history

I don’t reject the idea of self-reflection at all. After three abusive relationships, it would be impossible not to have reflected extensively on them.

What I struggle with is the assumption that there must be something obvious about me that explains them. I had a happy and stable childhood, I’m financially independent, have had a successful career, am trained in mental health support, have a wide circle of friends and interests, and have always been perfectly capable of leaving relationships that were unhealthy. In fact, I left at the first instance of physical violence in every case.

The reality is that domestic abuse does not only happen to people with low self-esteem, poor boundaries or past trauma. It can and does happen to strong, capable, resilient women too. If there were a clear and identifiable “type” that abusers targeted, or if abusive people always revealed themselves early on, there would be little need for Clare’s Law in the first place.

I also don’t think Clare’s Law is analogous to the morning after pill. If anything, it’s more akin to a background check or a smoke alarm: a safeguarding measure designed to identify risk before harm occurs.

Of course I have considered why these relationships happened. I’ve also had healthy relationships. What I am questioning is whether, regardless of those reflections, someone with my history would be sensible to make use of a safeguarding tool that exists specifically because abusive behaviour is often not apparent at the start of a relationship.

OP posts:

WilfredsPies · 19/06/2026 00:07

In your position, I would definitely apply for it.

You won’t be spoiling anything by applying without his knowledge but if you feel you would, then tell him. If you tell a good man that you want to protect yourself from a fourth abusive relationship, then he’ll want to do everything in his power to help you do that, because it’s not about him. If he takes it as an insult, then he’s putting his ego before your sense of safety and wellbeing and he’ll demonstrate that he isn’t a good man.

LearningToSwim · 19/06/2026 00:05

I’m questioning whether a Clare’s Law check is simply a sensible safeguarding measure for someone with my history.

I think I’ve just been bloody unlucky

My difficulty wasn’t recognising abuse once it occurred; it was that none of these men presented as abusive at the outset. That’s precisely why I’m asking about Clare’s Law. The question isn’t whether I ignored obvious warning signs, but whether someone with my history should consider it as a sensible safeguarding tool in future relationships.

You have asked whether someone wth your history should get a CL check done, but are taking umbrage at posters who refer to your history and suggest you should perhaps examine why this has happened. Why is your history relevant (as you seem to think it is) if you’ve just been unlucky?

Original poster

Latteapparel · 18/06/2026 23:58

TheresAMouse · 18/06/2026 23:46

First of all sorry you're getting such judgey posts. I believe your thoughts on this are perfectly sensible.

Clares Law is a great service and I would absolutely encourage anyone to use it. You really never know what's in someone's past but Clares Law might just reveal some issues or give you some peace of mind. Of course it can't tell you everything about a person, but it there's something of concern, personally I'd prefer to know.

I'd been long term with a partner who had a criminal past I had no idea about which came to light over 10 years later (when I was dealing with DV by him).

At this time i found out about Clares Law and I knew I would use it if I was ever in another relationship that was getting serious.

I did begin a relationship a few years later and explained I wanted to do this given my past experience. A decision already made before I met him so no reflection on him specifically. I didnt want to do the check without first telling him. He was absolutely fine about it and understanding.

There was zero to report and we are still together all these years later.

Do you think your partner would be ok with it?

Thank you so much for being empathetic and recognising that some posters have been judgey (I suspected that would happen, Mumsnet being what it is). My last relationship was exactly like yours, albeit not as long, with a criminal history I was not aware of. I’m pretty shrude and savvy but he was a complete narcissist and the minute it turned violent I ended the relationship.

You make a really interesting point about explaining to my new partner. I think he would understand, in fact I know he would, it would feel a bit like tainting things if that makes sense? I think I’d like the freedom to find out privately, but your way sounds logical and I’m so happy it worked out for you. We deserve the good ones!

OP posts:

Skybluepinky · 18/06/2026 23:55

You should as they seek out people who fit the victim profile and start by being charming.

Tinywhitebutterfly · 18/06/2026 23:52

Latteapparel · 18/06/2026 23:44

Of course I won’t tell him! I’m glad you find my history of domestic violence interesting. There definitely must be something about the way I pick them. Come to think of it, I’ve historically been drawn to the ones with the flashing sign above their heads that say “I hit women”

Show quote history

OP it's really not common to have had three relationships which were physically abusive.

It's great that you got out as soon as the abuse started, but you have repeatedly rejected advice to consider how you end up in these relationships in the first place.

You're not going to lose anything by considering how you've ended up in damaging relationships - no one is criticising you, but people are concerned, including women who've experienced abuse themselves.

It's a great idea to use Clare's law to check out a guy, but if you don't try to work out how you attract these men, it's a bit like using the morning after pill for everyday contraception.

Asq · 18/06/2026 23:51

Im on a dating group and lots of women said they would be doing them before even agreeing to a first date!

Original poster

Latteapparel · 18/06/2026 23:51

Whatwerewetalkingabout · 18/06/2026 23:43

That's not true, please do not put women off seeking this information or believing they can't ask until something abusive happens. The OP has good reason to check considering all her previous partners have been abusive.

Show quote history

Thank you for correcting the mechanism by which anyone can ask for disclosure. Just wanted to add not ALL my relationships have ended in DV!

OP posts:

TheresAMouse · 18/06/2026 23:46

First of all sorry you're getting such judgey posts. I believe your thoughts on this are perfectly sensible.

Clares Law is a great service and I would absolutely encourage anyone to use it. You really never know what's in someone's past but Clares Law might just reveal some issues or give you some peace of mind. Of course it can't tell you everything about a person, but it there's something of concern, personally I'd prefer to know.

I'd been long term with a partner who had a criminal past I had no idea about which came to light over 10 years later (when I was dealing with DV by him).

At this time i found out about Clares Law and I knew I would use it if I was ever in another relationship that was getting serious.

I did begin a relationship a few years later and explained I wanted to do this given my past experience. A decision already made before I met him so no reflection on him specifically. I didnt want to do the check without first telling him. He was absolutely fine about it and understanding.

There was zero to report and we are still together all these years later.

Do you think your partner would be ok with it?

bittertwisted · 18/06/2026 23:46

Latteapparel · 18/06/2026 23:06

My understanding is that anyone can apply under the Right to Ask scheme and you don’t need evidence or a specific concern. I think the police then assess whether there is information that ought to be disclosed.

Show quote history

Not true in my experience

bittertwisted · 18/06/2026 23:44

HangryBrickShark · 18/06/2026 23:06

Yes as a previous poster said, I'm sure there is a threshold and if your concerns don't meet the threshold they will not carry one out.
.
However, (and I really don’t mean this to sound judgy) but you are obviously drawn towards a certain type of person through either poor judgement, lack of self esteem or just a very unfortunate lack of fish in the local gene pool then it seems in your case it would be something to consider.

I wish you well in your current relationship x

In my experience this is the case, it’s not a dbs of all men
the police are (rightly) providing information that breaches a man’s data protection and right to privacy
they will only do it where the potential harm to you outweighs those rights

this is my experience, I had to firstly go in and tell them why I was concerned for my safety

Original poster

Latteapparel · 18/06/2026 23:44

EndlessTreadmill · 18/06/2026 23:40

Given your history I would do it, you have nothing to lose. I wouldn't tell him I had done it though, bit insulting!
I find it interesting you have had it happen to you three times, so there must be something about the men you choose - hence why it's worth checking with this one.
Not having had a history of this, it's not something I would naturally check, no. But in your case it's different. And of course a blank file doesn't mean he won't do it to you, but it will put your mind at rest.

Of course I won’t tell him! I’m glad you find my history of domestic violence interesting. There definitely must be something about the way I pick them. Come to think of it, I’ve historically been drawn to the ones with the flashing sign above their heads that say “I hit women”

OP posts:

Cheeseandolivesplease · 18/06/2026 23:43

@Latteapparel I don't know it if ever will fully - we've been together over 10 years now!
Thank you for understanding how hard it is. I think the hardest part for me wasn't leaving the relationship, it was the scars it left.

Whatwerewetalkingabout · 18/06/2026 23:43

Doggymummar · 18/06/2026 22:57

I don't know enough about it, but it's not a service the police routinely offer, surely? There must be a threshold of concern otherwise they would be 8n7ndated with 5hem.

That's not true, please do not put women off seeking this information or believing they can't ask until something abusive happens. The OP has good reason to check considering all her previous partners have been abusive.