Do you mind if I.....

YABU here I think. Even your wording ‘Do you mind if…?’ is a question. He doesn’t have to ask you ‘if you mind’. He’s simply telling you what he’s doing as a courtesy.

The other aspect…cooking…is where he’s taking the piss. Just reply when he tells you what he’s doing, with a short, “Thanks for letting me know…I’ll make my own dinner arrangements, so make sure you feed yourself whilst you’re out, or even better, go home to sort yourself out and I’ll see you tomorrow 👌🏻’

Stop stewing over it and just crack on with your own life…maybe even go out yourself at these times!

I think if you haven't made any plans specifically, then it's okay not to tel you. But I'm guessing the defaul tis you spend most evenings together at your place? And therein lies the problem in my mind. If he decides he wants to go out, that's fine. But you don't live together. so to my mind, if he is out with friends on his bike after work, that's an evening where you're not together and he then goes back to his own place while you get on with your own evening.

And if the default is that you plan, shop, and prepare dinner Mon-Thursday or whatever, then either that default must stop he he needs to respect that that's the basic plan and no , it's not okay to simply change plans at the last minute.

You dont need to cook for him but he doesn't need your permission to do what he wants juat get on with you own life

He seems to have mistaken you for a restaurant. He can do what he likes tbh, but he can't expect you to hang around waiting for him.

I don't see how this is a big issue personally.

Is it because you're retired and are now centering your life around him and waiting for him? Firstly I'd definitely be doing more things for me and what I want out of life.

If my sunny evenings were dictated by tea and what time I have to eat, it would annoy me very quickly. We don't get sunny evenings year round so I'd like to make the most of the nice weather and not have to revolve around mealtimes. It would also get irritating if I lived alone and couldn't do things spur of the moment and had to ask permission, just because of food.

Imagine your friends inviting you out and you had to ask permission to go from someone you don't live with.

It's a bonus that you don't live together. If he's busy, brilliant - cook for one and see him another night. I imagine that should be the beauty of living apart, you can do your own things when you want to without having to consider somebody else.

If you haven’t already made plans he doesn’t even really need to tell you, if you want to meet up you need to make those plans first - you sound a bit passive tbh, rather than assuming you’re seeing him just make plans for certain days.

I would just reply "see you later, but I'll let you sort out your own dinner as I'll have l ready eaten" or something like that. He can tell you he is off out on his bike and you can tell him you won't be cooking for him when he gets back.

Going out on bike is possibly weather dependant

Most people go somewhere for a ride, stop for a break, tea, coffee, can, food, chat, view & home

There must be plenty of options for him to get food while he is out.

I would suggest that you find some local groups to join, courses to do, be more unavailable

I agree with everyone else that if he says he’s going out on his bike your response should be ‘ok, have fun, see you tomorrow’ and not for you to be waiting around to provide his tea for him.
However, I think what is bothering you is that going out on his bike is his default relaxation option and you’d like to be considered as at least an equal option.

If he is not telling you he is asking.

The reason why you are not living together after 17 years, and distance is not an issue is a key aspect to your relationship that impacts on whether indeed, he should be asking you if it's ok.

my dc still lives at home. My one, inflexible rule is that I am advised at an appropriate time whether they are home for dinner or not. Anything else is rudeness beyond my tolerance.

TBF to DC, they do a reasonable job.

Also, it’s been a long time observation of mine that men do not normally put themselves out for someone else if they are not put out. You have yet to make him so uncomfortable that pleasing you is the easier path. Sadly.

YABU. Kindly, you have a lot more time on your hands than he does. Maybe it’s time to centre it around him a bit less.

You don’t live together so if he is out on his bike he can sort his own dinner at his own place and you can please yourself .

Why are you always cooking for him while he has me time? Stop that now! Go and do something for yourself and eat earlier, then just shrug when he assumes you are going to feed him.

Bike thing is fine but like fuck would I be skivvying/waiting for him when he finishes riding around.

I don't know if I fully understand the situation you have... does he come to your house everyday for his tea?

Why are you cooking and waiting for him if you don’t even live together? Go and do your own hobby . He’s a big boy he can feed himself.

The only time a partner needs to ask permission is if there are joint caring responsibilities. Maybe you need to focus more on your own life, meet with friends, go out and do some hobbies. Plan and make your own meals. If I wanted to eat with my DH before we lived together, I actually invited him rather than there being an expectation we'd be together every evening. It sounds like he is living his life, as he should, but you are just at home waiting for him to come round.

Why are you cooking him dinner regardless of going out? Or, more to the point, why are you waiting on him to cook dinner?

Should be same rule as when I grew up - dinner on the table at a set time if you wanted to invite him, you snooze, you lose! He's taking you for granted.

He doesn’t need your permission to go out on his bike but you are by no means obliged to cook for him. Just stop.

Yes. Stop cooking. You don’t live together, I assume so as not to have all that kind of domestic gruntwork. So stop doing it.

Why have you become default cook?!

Just cook for yourself. He can get himself a takeaway.

I would also see this as him asking your permission. As others have said, why is he coming to yours after this expecting food? Surely he just goes home or gets himself something on the way back

I don’t understand the set up here, if you don’t live together how does him
going out in the evening impact on you having dinner?

Why is he expecting you to have cooked? Next time he does this tell him not to come over afterwards or make it clear you’re eating whenever you like and he’ll need to sort his own food.

Just cook for yourself and if he asks say he didn’t let you know. 🤷‍♀️