AIBU to think adopted children need a mother figure?

That's like saying that if a father is widowed he should rush out and remarry the first woman he sees so that the child has a mother figure. All a child needs is love whether that's from a mum and dad, two mums, two dads or a single parent

Makes sense, we make ourselves a lot of what we are after a certain age.

Children just want familiarity. Many children want to go back to their birth parents even when there has been horrific abuse. It's all they've ever known, and an abuser isn't always abusive. There will likely be many positive memories they have of their abuser, too.

Men should not be allowed to adopt children. All children need a mother.

I am talking about situations where the biological parents just couldn"t manage for whatever reason, not situations where the children are fearful of going back to their parents, in the past you would hear about children taken into care because the parents or parent just couldn"t cope but the children were desperate to get back to their real parents.

Apologies for my mum dying when I was young. I must have grown into a shitty person... again apologies for this

Most children in care still have ongoing contact with their birth family. They are often removed at an older age. It isn't always lovely and of course support comes to an end eventually and children can have to move placements at a moment's notice. It's not the same as a permanent family - i was more taking issue with the idea that it's sterile.

A "harsh, sterile life in care" isn't how the care system works these days. The only children in homes are in very small homes with maybe six kids, say. They will be there because they can't live in a foster home. Other children are in long term foster placements, where they are often treated like one of the family.

You think a traumatised child can discern between “getting to know you” and “you’re reuniting”? After 9 years and now teenage my two have a visceral reaction to a social worker appearing at the door because at a very instinctive level they think they’re going back to their birth mum. Trauma in infancy and early years isn’t healed because the child’s geography changes.

Ok, that sounds like children could be perfectly happy in that environment and still know who their biological parents are?

A "harsh, sterile life in care" isn't how the care system works these days. The only children in homes are in very small homes with maybe six kids, say. They will be there because they can't live in a foster home. Other children are in long term foster placements, where they are often treated like one of the family.

Yes I agree with you, a loving adoptive parent might be better than a harsh sterile life in care,and young couples are not really lining up to adopt either are they, but there are lots of phenomenal warm caring people working in the care system as well? You are right also that people can"t just make the general sweeping statement that all children adopted by gay and lesbian couples are accessories but a married couple who wanted kids but maybe couldn"t have them still seems like the strongest foundation to place a childhood on from the point of view of the adoptive parents being more fully invested in the whole process? And I believe that if possible everyone should have knowledge of or contact with their biological parents from very early in the process, although some adoptive parents might not be comfortable with this.

I agree, but I mean very limited contact in the early stages and maybe only after a certain age, more just a we know who each other is sort of thing, not that we are going to reconcile as a family.

That's an awful saying lessons will be learned

How many bloody times must they say it. How many more children will be harmed or killed before they learn.

They didn't even listen to the foster mother of Preston. She was concerned but ignored. We hear it all the time

Social workers are highly trained professionals who did do their job. If we could all spot a pedophile at 10 paces, they would all be in prison. Its an uncomfortable truth that no one is going to stop parents killing their children.

Regular checkin with the adopted child?
Great.
And with the parents too please.
And be proactive in offering post adoption support.
And give all adopted kids EHCPs as standard.
And don't decide on whether to renew PAS funding after the last possible moment which means kids have to take an enforced break in their therapy because funding hasn't been authorised.

This was clearly a terrible tragedy and hopefully some lessons will be learned. But there are adoptive families and kids out there crying out for support who get overlooked.

Regular checkin with the adopted child?
Great.
And with the parents too please.
And be proactive in offering post adoption support.
And give all adopted kids EHCPs as standard.
And don't decide on whether to renew PAS funding after the last possible moment which means kids have to take an enforced break in their therapy because funding hasn't been authorised.

This was clearly a terrible tragedy and hopefully some lessons will be learned. But there are adoptive families and kids out there crying out for support who get overlooked.

Wonder why Preston was given too these
two men. Bet we never get to find out if there were any other adopters available at that time
What made these two men think they would be good at bringing up a child. Did they choose a boy, how does it work? No idea. Would the same thing have happened if they had adopted a girl?
It makes no sense they didn't have to adopt they created a situation where they have ended up apart, lost their jobs, in prison and hated by all.
They could have given Preston back and said it wasn't working. They orchestrated their own downfall. Perhaps two men together aren't meant to have kids.

Thre rights of the child matter way more than the desires of the potential parent (s). I think that sometimes gets lost. I don't have an issue with two men, but someone in social services has made a truly awful error.

There may be good reasons why adopters might be uncomfortable with direct contact with birth parents. They’re daily caring for kids impacted by those parents treatment of their child - sometimes those impacts are immense. Direct contact can be hugely destabilising for those children, compounding the impact of the original harm. It needs careful support both for the parents and the children (and the birth parents), children can be dysregulated for weeks in the lead up and after contact, it’s hard to see how that can be helpful.

I have every empathy for my kids birth mum, I also know that direct contact would be absolutely disastrous for my kids. They’re scared of her, spent their early years with me terrified they’d be sent back to her such was their life with her. If I thought for a second they’d manage, I’d support direct contact but I’m not prepared to put them through that distress. And I’ll defend that decision to them should the time come.

It’s all fine having this romantic notion that kids can maintain a relationship with their birth parents, and that their birth parents can tolerate their own distress and behave in the best interests of the child. Sometimes they do, sometimes older children can manage that better and the birth parents are in a better place too but all too often children’s stability is undermined for an ideal.

I’m not sure, I think the best reason to adopt a child is because you want to adopt a child, not because you can’t have one of your own. Children in care deserve better than to be thought of as consolation prizes.