Aibu to suggest alternative books to 12 year old DD when she asks to read something I believe is unsuitable for her age?

IIRC ACOTAR is relatively tame, but later books are much more explicit. There is quite a heavy theme of abuse and coersive control, as well as complex adult relationships. I started reading romance quite young but it was very much fluffy with a dash of third act peril then someone rides in to save the day.
If you haven't already the best thing you can do is read it yourself or listen to the audio book to make the best judgement. You know your kid and their levels of maturity.
At a similar age I really enjoyed Alison Croggon's Books of Pellinor series. It's a sort of YA epic fantasy with several long books.

The volume of erotic elements across the ACOTAR series is actually tiny. It's relatively explicit, especially in the most recent book, but it's really not that plentiful across the whole series. The actual plot across the series is much more about political scheming and war to be honest. It's a fantasy series with some romantic subplots but the romance isn't the main plot line at all.

If ACOTAR had been written by a man, it would have been marketed simply as fantasy, not as 'romantasy'.

To address the OP's actual question, if I had a 12-year-old I'd let them read whatever they wanted. I'm pretty sure a 12-year-old knows what sex is, and I'm also pretty sure that a 12-year-old can understand the difference between a relationship dynamic in a book and what a relationship is in real life. ACOTAR is absolutely the kind of thing I'd have been reading at 12, if it had been around then. Equally, at 12 I wasn't relying on my parents to provide me with reading matter. I just went to the library every week and picked out what I wanted. My parents never supervised or censored my choices.

I find it sad that your assumption is that all pre teens are watching porn and starting to have erotic interest.

I have two pre-teens. One is in a group that have zero interest in romance, and an accidental brush with erotica would make them wince. But they would happily read scary horror. The other is in a group that would actively seek it romance and be unphased by erotica, but horror would give them nightmares.

I don't censor or prohibit books. But we are a reading family, so I will talk to them about their choices, tell them if I think the content will make them uncomfortable and make suggestions that I think they will enjoy and will extend their reading interests.

Its just parenting

Let her read a mix, not all romance based.

Has she read things like Inkheart and other Cornelia Funke fantasy books? The Hive series? Any Malorie Blackman? Louis Sacher (Holes, Small Steps etc)

How about Nancy Drew - there are loads of them - some much more contemporary than the originals, and she is a positive role model.

Online suggestions include The Queen's Thief by Megan Whalen and The Immortals Quartet by Tamora Pierce as wholesome fantasy series for teens.

For a human being, sure. That character isn't a human being, though.

Some of you never read Judy Blume's Forever and it shows 😁

This thread is wild. What’s wrong with erotic elements in literature? Pre-teens are probably starting to show and interest, and why shouldn’t they? Better by far than watching porn, which they probably have already.

I was about that age when I first picked up an adult book, maybe a little bit younger. We were on holiday and my older sister had bought it with her. I'd finished all the books I bought with me, so then started on hers.
My reading was never policed or monitored in any way, so I was left to it.
As it happens, the book I picked up was about a girl in South Africa, during apartheid times, who was black but white passing. Something I knew nothing about. It was quite violent and had some sex scenes. It was an unfortunate choice in hindsight, and it scared me a bit.
But it resulted in me self-censoring for another couple of years after that, going back to young adult fiction. I was probably 13-14 before I next picked up another adult book, and was a lot more cautious in what I selected.

Even now though, I'm still on the side of letting kids read whatever they pick up. If they encounter something above their maturity level, it'll either go over their heads, or they'll put it down, or they'll just self-censor like I did.
I think I'd let your DD read ACOTAR if she wants, and preface it with "if you want to discuss any of it with me, or have questions, I'm happy to talk about it."

I think the one thing I would draw the line at is violent or extreme sex presented as normal eg choking & other porn style practices. There’s too much of this around already. Sexual assault presented as such is different- horrible to read but at least it’s clear it’s horrible.

I also read Flowers in the Attic, and Emmanuelle, at this age and am not scarred.

I do think there’s a difference between sex as a plot point and gratuitous erotica. I also remember reading a book that had a (very mild by today’s standards) sex scene around the age of 13 and thinking it was thrilling, I still remember some of it word for word, but the sheer volume of it across the ACOTAR series and the more gratuitous and graphic nature of it, designed more for titillation, would give me pause for a pre-teen (and I work in publishing, am a former book editor, so very much of a ‘read all the books’ kind of person usually. But I have read that series and would feel a bit uncomfortable with the volume of graphic sexual content that is essentially just to be erotic, with a child who isn’t even a teenager yet).

I read Tess of the D’Urbervilles when I was about 12 and that’s pretty explicit with the sexual assault. It didn’t traumatise me. I think many 12 year olds would be able to handle these more mature themes, but you know your daughter best.

I would say you can read them but not yet so pick something else

Sounds like she can easily find other books and she knows what she enjoys.

I would sugar coat it with you are a long time adult and can read these and many others but enjoy being 12 for now.

Which one? I started with Temeraire (Napoleonic Wars but with dragons) then loved Uprooted and Spinning Silver, and recently reread her Scholomance trilogy which is not just great world building with a sort of US high school vibe - very dark and funny - but also very satisfying in the way everything ties up in the third book.

Contrast with a YA series, the Black Witch by Laurie Forest, which is basically about prejudice and resisting the rise of fascism but with magic and werewolves. The first and second book are great but it should have stopped there, as the author kind of loses her grip on plot and characterisation in the third book in her interest in the heroine’s love life.

Anyway, I’m waffling but there’s a lot more to fantasy than ‘fairy porn’ 🤣

I agree with this 100%. We let DD read everything and anything. No restrictions.

This thread is wild. What’s wrong with erotic elements in literature? Pre-teens are probably starting to show and interest, and why shouldn’t they? Better by far than watching porn, which they probably have already.

She's 12, not 8. YABU.

This is a much better way of expressing. My kids do have kindles, but I have to get the books for them so I sometimes know what they’re reading. My 9 year old son has been reading a 20 book series that’s ‘meant’ for young adults - looked through one out of interest and there’s some kissing. He thinks that’s super gross of course.

My 13 year old daughter reads whatever she wants. She goes to her school library lots and I’ll buy her whatever she wants to read. She goes between the young adult and adult sections. I’d probably warn her if I knew something was explicit or scary, but I’m mostly just pleased she’s reading. We have a local book festival and I’ve taken her to a few things in the adult category - mostly angry feminism themed as that’s her thing.

At 12/13 I was reading flowers in the attic, dystopias and Holocaust memoirs (I’m Jewish and that’s a phase many angsty teenage Jewish girls go through!). I’m still a huge reader today.

I read Hollywood Wives at 13. Talk about inappropriate! My mum asked if she could read it after and I was so embarrassed I dropped it in a pool! I don’t think I’m scarred for life though. I try and keep up with what my kids read - one is voracious. Although I drew the line at one of his A level books that involved incest and abortion.

I don't censor what my children read. My teen has read plenty books that would have been considered age-inappropriate.

I suppose my main reasons for taking this approach are that:

1. Kids will, at some point, encounter this stuff. It'll come as a video on a phone, or as a direct, real-life experience, or a friend will experience it and the kids will be trying to help and deal with the consequences, or they'll encounter it in a book. I'm giving them a good chance of first encountering this stuff as words on a page.

2. Mature themes in books come with context. There's narrative around the build-up which explains how the event came about, and typically, the after-effects and consequences are explored. I think this is far, far preferable to a first encounter being a decontextualised clip on a phone.

3. What adults picture and feel when reading mature themes is informed by their adult experiences and understanding. A young teen without that adult life experience and knowledge has a different, far less intense experience reading the same passage.

4. It's far, far easier to pause, take a break, reflect, or choose not to continue reading a book with challenging themes, than it is to look away from a disturbing video.

5. My kids read physical books, which I can see, so I know what they are reading. I can read the book myself first, if I want to devote the time, or I can get a synopsis of what it covers and the themes within it. I can let my child know ahead of time that there's some pretty disturbing stuff in the book, and it's absolutely OK for them to bring up for discussion anything they've found challenging, and also OK for them to put the book down and not finish it. I get some foresight of what my child will encounter, which helps me be available and informed and better able to respond if they want to discuss anything.

I'm all for my kids reading whatever they want to, and I love that they both read daily for pleasure.

I was reading adult books from the age of 11. Its hugely beneficial as the vocabulary, depth and complexity in good examples isn't replicated in books aimed at children.
If it were me I'd allow the book and read it in tandum instigating conversations about it as you go (mini book group!). This will give you opportunity to address anything you're concerned about, without denying her the benefits.
In all honesty, I learned more age inappropriate stuff from my peers and older kids in the playground than I ever did between the pages of a good book.

My toes also curled ... in embarrassment! That is terrible writing.

I never once asked my mum or dad if I could read something, I just read it (then hid it in my school bag!).

I'm another person who at 12 was reading good wholesome literature about incest in attics, and wife swapping with riding crops.

Op I worked in a book store and we were told not to sell Sara J Maas to under 16s. If someone about 13 came with parents we were told to strongly advise not to buy. Didn’t happen often but generally we just got sad looks from the teen and a thanks from the parent. Twice colleagues got a lecture from a parent on trying to stop kids reading

Thank you for the recommendation. Have reserved a Naomi Novik book in the library 😀

Sheesh, you kind of want to point out that the average ejaculation is less than a teaspoon, however much snarling you do.