Poor soul having to manage his own childcare...

I hope the impression from the OPs post that this newly separated dads attitude is the problem here and the reason why she is posting.

That he’s soddenly realised he that he needs to change his practices and he had not been sympathetic to other staff before. Who had not had the support that he clearly did.

To be fair, the word doesn’t exist in English, we had to import it from another language so it’s not so common we needed to develop our own word for it.

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I have a big group of male colleagues who are all roughly ten years younger than me.

When I first joined the company I was in my early 40s and a single mother after my marriage disintegrated. These colleagues used to br absolutely scathing about the fact it was written into my contract that I could leave 30 minutes early to do pickup. One of them actually went to the big boss and said I should not be entitled to a bonus as a result. Even though I was regularly working in the evening (from home) when they were in the pub.

Ten years on two of them have small children and one has to leave work every day at 3.30 to do pickup and bathtime. And by God they are precious about “protecting family time”. Never pick up an email out of hours when its required of the rest of us.

Nothing more sanctimonious than a born again New Dad. Don’t get me wrong I am glad they do it but a period of respectful silence about the “stresses of parenthood” would be good. The hypocrisy is breathtaking.

And some women had a loving normal relationship modelled to them by their parents: far more likely to go and find a decent man. The majority of women didn't... so we're far more likely to have ended up with any old fucker. Literally. Who then of course turns out to be a shit dad more often than not.

Let's not pretend that most men don't know how to look after themselves first and be selfish. Generally speaking a man will always default to putting himself first. You have to 'remind' him of your needs or he'll very easily forget, just like with the kids.

It's a rare thing to find a man that thinks of someone else first...

This isn’t difficult as there are significantly more crap ones than there are good ones.

Absolutely this. The numbers of women I'm encountering at 50+ who are leaving marriages because their DHs did fuck all is astonishing. It's around half the women I know. We've all had enough.

All the protesting going on here? Protecting the male species as if they're a maligned marginalised interest group. WTF??

The stats show just how bad women have it:

Less pay
Less promotions
More likely to take a career break than men
More like to take a sick day to look after the kids
Much more likely to do at least 50% of the household chores and childcare, usually much higher numbers
More likely to be left, by 6 times to 1, if they have a terminal illness or need full time care, whereas the opposite number for women, is 5 to 1 the other way around
More like for women to look after elderly relatives

It's always us: caregiving on all fronts. Men not so much.

It's a delight when the penny finally drops OP. You are right to have your gleeful moment where the fucker realises just how easy he's had it up until now.

All this faux standing up for men. Will you all stop clutching your 1950s pearls please and just call a spade a spade.

Your “fair share” in a couple is nothing like parenting when single for days or a week at a time, its ridiculous to suggest it is.

Seriously? Hindsight is 20/20 its hard to know what kind of parent someone will be until they actually become one then its far too late

I'm not gloating. Yes I am well aware there are plenty of crap men around and it blows my mind that there are such surprises so shortly after giving birth. It's devastating. We didn't get lucky thanks - we made well intentioned choices based on their character/education/profession/how they spoke about exes/their friendships/how they treated people day to day/family values/upbringing, the list goes on. Yes we all have high standards (as every woman should but clearly do not) and absolutely wouldn't accept anything less to begin with.

Ugh, I share your pain. Men who suddenly realise that children need looking after and raising!

I was once in a meeting that went a bit over core hours (which finished at. 4pm). A male colleague, not hitherto a model for domestic responsibilities ( he had a string of affairs with his undergraduates) had recently become a father. As our meeting closed, he looked at his watch, and said in a tone which admonished everyone else in the room: “Well, this meeting just cost me £20 extra in childcare”

what woman, I thought, would dare to say that in a meeting? It would brand her as unable to cope and whinging.

You sound really bitter

It’s actually not. Not at 20. Yes by 40. You had a very privileged upbringing if you were given the tools to spot all red flags. Also, society teaches many girls that marriage, any marriage, is success. I am doing my absolute best to make sure my daughters know their value. Maybe be grateful for the shark cage you were given.

The difference between pulling your weight as a couple and pulling your weight as a parent is leagues. Most men manage when its just you and him. Totally different once there a newborn in the mix.

And to all those congratulating him on his 50/50 parenting - why is it such a change? Why all of a sudden is so hard for him? Why wasnt he doing his fair share already? And whats been the motivating factor in all of a sudden wanting to....???

Yeah Id be raising my eyebrows too. Bet he was arse to the people at work who were managing it before now too.

This is a very good question!

I totally disagree. Almost every post on here where someone’s moaning about doing evening after having children they say “well I did most of the housework/ food shops/ cooking before but it didn’t bother me”.
There’s another one on the go right now.

Very, very rarely is someone an excellent, engaged, involved partner before and then turns into a loser upon birth. They were always a loser, some women are just too focused on their end game to acknowledge it.

LOL.

He's prioritizing not paying child support.

Yes girls, dont forget to pack your time machine in your birth bag, so you can go back when he turns out to be a useless selfish shit.

And NO they do not all show this before babies, usually it only shows after babies, usually because he gets used to just going to work and coming home, she gets used to doing literally everything else. And that continues when she goes back to work. There is a thread right now about a woman 13 weeks PP looking at divorce because her formerly supportive H has done literally nothing for their child and nothing for her.

You got lucky, good for you. But gloating is not a good look.

That is a VERY generalised assumption. Have you ever considered that some men actually want to see their children and play an active part in their lives?
Have you also personally witnessed a woman deliberately weaponising the children to ensure she gets maximum payout to cause as much hurt and anguish as possible to the father?
To say that about ALL men is disgusting

The thing is, as others have said, the label 50/50 is misleading. I parent 50/50 with my DP because we each share more or less half the parenting, life admin, workload between us. But we are together, so it’s fine. And if one of us is exhausted, manic with work or ill, then the other is able to pick up the load a bit.

That is vastly different to being separated or windowed, etc. When that happens you do 100%. Now you might split the week, but for those days you have custody you are doing 100% of everything - no matter if you’re ill, depressed, grieving, have work pressures, or whatever else is going on. That’s hard work for anyone and will be a huge change and challenge even for the most hands on parents compared to parenting in a partnership.

I think anyone would find it an adjustment after separating, not sure why you would use it as an excuse to shit on a man who is aiming for equality.

At the minute I’m a sahm so by definition do more childcare/ things with the children during my husband’s working hours but I would find it incredibly hard going from a house with 2 parents available in the evenings to either pitch in or to enable me to go out, to suddenly having sold responsibilities for days at a time. It’s naive to think otherwise.

Exactly, maybe feel pity for him and his children-or if he was the one who abandoned his family, then for his wife and kids.
It's quite normal to struggle with new situations, especially when feeling upset and heartbroken for your children-lots of women in the same situation feel this way, even more so if they have very demanding jobs.
And, while it's wrong that it's this way, women often have more of a network who will help out with childcare at short notice.
Now if he's been an idiot who constantly dismissed other workers' childcare needs, and left his family for a younger woman-my sympathy diminishes.

Depends on the street maybe. It's certainly not my experience. All my school and university friends chosen well too. Don't procreate with shit men, it's easy!

This is a lighthearted thread. Why are people pretending that men do 50/50 when married? Especially the divorced ones. They’re divorced for a reason and it will very often be because the man did not pull his weight. That’s why it’s funny. That’s why so many mums can relate to the penny drop moment.

Oh good question