Poor soul having to manage his own childcare...

This is without doubt the stupidest MN thread I’ve seen in a long time. Loads of people making wild judgements about someone they don’t know, based on scant information from the OP, who herself doesn’t know anything about the person’s situation. Genius.

Have you got nothing better to do than judge someone who is probably going through a really difficult time. What do you know about the dynamics of his marriage?

Who knows what his family committments were. Maybe his wife was a SAHM and took over the majority of child care.
It is good to hear that he is prioririzing his children.

I thought it was pretty clear that this isn’t a man rejigging his childcare related restrictions but someone who never had any before. Perhaps the OP can clarify.

@minipieI don’t think the OP did say that? She just said there are things he can’t do now. Which would be the same for everyone - ie my partner can do pickup if I have a last minute Wed meeting for example. If we broke up and that was my day, I’d have to miss that meeting to get back for nursery.

This reminds me of a glorious realisation moment a clueless dad at my school had once.
We were in the dreaded late queue. A bus had broken down so many of us in the queue were there because we were on the same bus. You have to queue to sign your child in with the receptionist and you have to give a "reason for late" which she writes down.
Everyone in the queue was a mum, except one dad in front of me.
When this sad was asked the "reason for late" by the receptionist he spluttered "well.. I had to get him dressed and everything!" And she just looks at him nonplussed so he splutters "and he's gotta have like breakfast and that, and.. and.. like.. I had to make sure he had like, his teeth done and he had put his shoes in and that" and the receptionist is like..Ok....

Then he turns back around and realises this whole queue of women are half laughing at him and he hurries out of there.

Having to get his child dressed. What a shock.

Yeah and she could of probably been a SAHM

But the OP was talking about someone who has never previously had any child related work arrangements, and now suddenly does.

Whereas you are describing something like changing from “I need to arrive late Monday/Tuesday and finish early Weds-Fri” (as part of a couple sharing care) to “I need to work shorter hours Monday/Tuesday and start late on Weds but then can work longer hours Weds eve, Thurs and Fri” (split up parents who do 50/50 in the week)

Of course even a couple who had previously shared things will need to rejig if they split, but that’s not what the OP is about

Completely agree. We are both hands on parents, but if we had to move from sharing care to 50/50, of course we’d both need to make some changes. Such as currently having two parents means one can go in early and leave early/on time, the other can go in later and work later. Obviously if you have to do both the morning nursery/breakfast club AND the pick-up, of course it’s going to impact things!

Ah, thanks for clarifying. We may well be agreeing then!

I forgot to add, which you may also agree with, that it’s important that there’s a distinction between the idea off blaming ALL of any demographic for something (which I think we should always challenge), and the very reasonable and very important thing of saying that something is an X problem. I’m not wording this well, but take the example of violence against women and sexual attack, it’s obviously silly to say ALL men do this, but it’s not at all unreasonable - and is helpful in finding solutions - to say that is is a uniquely (or mostly) male problem.

@Cosimarocks I used your use of the phrase "bad apple" as an example. I wasn't referring to anything else in your post. Apologies for not making that clearer.

I might be misunderstanding your point. But it seems that you are saying that that those of us that are giving examples of good fathers are denying the existence of bad fathers: that’s quite a stretch. What I have raised issue to is those that are saying that ALL fathers are awful and that any father asking for a 50/50 split in childcare is only doing so because they want to avoid paying maintenance. All I’ve done is to say exactly what you are and pointing out: that there is evidence to counter that claim and so, actually, sweeping statements saying that ALL people are anything is frankly bonkers.

At no point have I attacked or rubbished anyone’s experience; I’ve not said that there are not terrible fathers out there, I’ve only made the very reasonable point that there are also marvellous ones and normal everyday ones who aren’t all terrible shits.

You seem to be under the illusion that because there is evidence of one thing (and that thing happens to support your outlook on life) that therefore anyone highlighting examples that contradict your viewpoint is a) against you, and b) making it up.

At no point have I attacked or rubbished people’s experiences, I’ve only pointed out that an experience (even one shared by multiple people) doesn’t mean that this equates to a sweeping generalisation about any group of people.

Using your point (and again, I might be completely misunderstanding what you’re saying) then we quickly come to the way of thinking that says things like: all Muslims are terrorists, because I have examples of some; or because of the actions of a government all Russians or all Israelis or all Americans or whatever are bombing children. Or all immigrants are rapists. Or, all white English are anti-immigration racists. It’s madness and it leads only to division, fear and hatred.

I knew someone who had something similar happen to them. Great dad and husband in every possible way - his now ex-wife said you couldn't fault him. Then one day he just walked out and never had any contact with his kids ever again - not so much as a birthday or Christmas card or any acknowledgement that they existed in his eyes at all. It was devastating for them all. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

My exH was a ‘hands on Dad’ until we separated…then he stopped being a Dad of any description overnight.

Absolutely, dh can’t work well from home and has a long commute so I do do more of the pick up and drop off, but he has to leave work quite early to do the ones he does. If I have an important early meeting he starts late.

I was surprised at the turn this thread took as OP was clearly talking about a workplace issue. And I agree with you and would like to add some thoughts I have.

Cognitive dissonance often stems from fear. I think a lot of times when NAMALT is trotted out it is because it is comforting to hang on to that. It is less troubling to think there are just some "bad apples" as @Cosimarocks suggested, than to give any real thought to evidence, and certainly not the life experience stories of other women.

I think discounting other women's experiences often comes from something more insidious than fear. It sometimes comes from a "people like us" mindset. That rather smug assumption that if they, and the people in their circle, don't experience those things then the people who do are "less than" in some way.

Although I can understand these very human weaknesses, I do wonder what these women want for their daughters.

If me and my husband split I would definitely have to make some changes to how I do things and I will have less flexibility on some days and more on others (assuming we go 50:50). That doesn’t mean I don’t do my share now

@99bottlesofkombucha That seems reasonable.
I guess it also depends to some extent the nature of the jobs worked by parents?
My husband's job is far more flexible than mine and he is still paid, for example, if he had to take off time to collect/look after for a while our little one whereas I would not be.
Hence why he is Priority 1 on the list.
But what I would never accept is a partner who refused to share any of the responsibility for care - totally unreasonable!

We share the load and it impacts both of our work days every week, that seems fair to
me. It’s impacted my career because I pour so much into my dc, and I think probably my dhs too, but that’s ok. I have an awesome boss who understands the family juggle and does a lot for his kids too.

Does it mean he doesn't have to pay child support maybe?

Bravo. Once a man has validated a certain thing. It is now accepted by the rest of the Human Race that it must then be true.

@partmermaidpartplant Absolutely my husband shares the childcare equally - why wouldn't he? I wouldn't put up with a husband who failed to do so. One of the (many) reasons as to why he is my second husband!
The first one was under the impression our shared children were far more my "responsibility" than his for some reason during the marriage (I imagine the same as many men, unfortunately).

Unless he's doing almost all of it, and he's stuck with being the default parent, I think it's going to affect both people's careers, is it's shared, even if to a lesser extent. It's whether two people take a smaller hit or one person takes a larger hit. It's hard to be an involved parent and it not have any impact at all unless you get very lucky with the children and job in question.

This is pretty normal isn't it? One parent usually does more of the picking up and dropping off of the children. It doesn't mean one is more important than the other and it doesn't mean he was a shit dad before for earning a wage and providing for his kids. Being snarky about someone going through a divorce is not a nice trait.
As for the comments about dead beat dad's, I see at least a third of parents picking up kids in my kids school are men.

She was probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, food shops, laundry, school runs, doctors apts, dentist apts, parents evenings, swimming lessons, packed lunches, school trip forms, uniform shopping, etc. etc.