AIBU to feel sidelined when husband hosted friend during baby’s witching hour?

He also does it at weekends. He just doesn't give a shit.

I don't blame you. He is distressingly useless. You are already doing everything for the baby and watching him failing to help or support you must make you feel both angry and sad.

There seem to be an influx of posters who love nothing better than scolding a newly post-partum mum and taking the side of the pathetic husband.

I assume he never gets up in tne night as he’s working and she’s not and she co sleeps. As a more realistic reason.

What a truly horrible thing to say. OP has done everything for the baby since he was born. He never gets up in the night because his mother has told him to sleep in the spare room and he sleeps with ear plugs in. Imagine if OP put ear plugs in so no-one fed or settled the baby druing the night. It's unthinkable that OP would do that but her dickhead of a husband thinks it's OK.

I would have said ‘hey Jack I’ll be busy with the baby but nice to see you. Mike can you bring a plate into the bedroom? Thanks’.
But me and DH would have had a conversation before along the lines of :
’Monday, Jack is around and I’d love to have him over, is it ok he comes over Thursday at 5?’
You: ‘ Well You know that’s exactly the time I’m dealing with the baby and that’s awfully early for dinner - can you push it to 7.30 so I can join you?’
Him, either ‘Oh yes of course I ask him the later.’
or
’He can only make 5, but I’ll be sure to make up a nice dinner for you and if you need me at all I can come help.’
But it’s happened and with your updates it sounds like he is just not going to help ever. If you want to continue in this relationship sit him down when baby is napping. Lay it on the table. Say a grown person can figure out that his partner needs feeding. A grown person knows to do XYZ. You are as new to parenting as he is. And if things don’t change right away then you are going to reevaluate the whole relationship. So, ‘Mike, starting now I expect you to (whatever). I’m not asking you to do anything that I wouldn’t do or haven’t done. We are both parents. You need to step up or you won’t have a wife and child at all because you will be moving out.’

I think some posters are being harsh OP. Yes he did the work when his friend came over because he likes benefiting from his friend’s lifestyle. But he leaves you to do absolutely everything else! If it was me I would prioritise looking after myself and the baby over doing anything extra for him. So no baby changing just to impress his friend. Either he changes his own baby or the baby stays in the same clothes.

Might be your best option. You're doing everything anyway.

How often has he bathed the baby, changed his nappy or put him to bed?

Get rid of him OP. He's adding nothing to your life. His behaviour post-delivery has been appalling.

Classic, we see it all the time. Men changing their behaviour once they've got a woman well and truly trapped and when she's at her most vulnerable. I am so sorry OP.

again I don’t see the issue, he’s allowed friends over and he did the work.

I also assume your on maternity and he’s working, so that’s why much falls to you right now, you can go back to work and split it equally if you feel better about it. But generally the person at home does the majority especially if co sleeping or breastfeeding.

its concerning that it’s only 13 weeks. Yoire considering divorce, pissed he’d a mate over, and have already read him the riot act multiple times, so a chaotic household for an infant.

if it doesn’t work, go back to work, stop co sleeping, stop breastfeeding. you don’t need to take a year off. It is better for your child not to have an exhausted mother, and a resentful one where even friends are a war zone and repeated arguments at home,

Ask him to move out for a couple of weeks. If you manage fine and don't feel it makes your life any harder then it's probably better to keep that a long term arrangement. Anyone who goes to those lengths for a friend but can't even think to plate up some food for his wife whilst she looks after the baby isn't stupid or thoughtless they just genuinely do not care about you.

Personally I would have taken crying baby in and asked where my dinner was.

Is he a doctor OP? Just wondering, as I have friends married to useless men like this, and they are doctors. If yes, it won't get better.
My friends are the functioning adults in their relationships.
Strangely, the female doctors I know seem to be able to juggle and "wear many hats".

You both have a 13 week old baby. You each are a parent to that child. You are both equally responsible for the baby. I'm guessing you're probably on maternity leave and breastfeeding, so it makes sense that there are certain things that always fall to you (like breastfeeding) and that you also do more of the childcare and maybe more around the house right now because you have more time away from other obligations like work, school, extended family. BUT your husband should at the very least be doing half of the childcare when he's not occupied with other existing obligations. You should each have roughly equal free time. When he takes his paternity leave, then the reverse will apply.

If he wanted time alone with his friend, I think it would have made much more sense for them to go out together or go to the friend's place. If you're all friends and were all supposed to be having dinner together, that's what should have happened - everyone pitching in with the baby, and no drinking. But you've said it yourself: you've told him many times that he's not pulling his weight and he's dumping his parenting responsibilities on you. It sounds like he doesn't listen and nothing changes. What about this state of affairs makes you think that YOU are being unreasonable rather than that, just for example, he's a lazy, selfish oaf taking advantage of you?

This man is a useless twit, I think you should exit the relationship. But be strategic, dont give him any warning. Act normal, dont waste energy trying to get him to change. In the background get everything arranged in your favour.

Find it a bit over the top, laying the table and cooking for a mate. Did he use the family silver too? All this should've been discussed and planned properly, by him. I know life doesn't, and shouldn't, stop when you have a baby but the goal posts change considerably and he should've factored in exactly how the evening was going to impact/involve you.

Personally, I'd cut your losses now and tell him to get to fuck.

You might as well be single without having the burden of having him in the home doing fuck all while you do everything.

Seriously. Get legal advice and get rid of him.

What a shallow, superficial twat he is.

OP but why did you stay away from about 5pm? This is what I don't get about this specific occasion. What are you doing for 4 hours, I just don't get it. It just comes across as quite passive /aggressive. Sitting by yourself, not eating a meal and not doing anything about it. What do you want him to do overnight? Is he to give the baby a bottle, or bring him to you? I think you are both a bit lame to be honest. He's doing nothing which suits him and you are keeping yourself to yourself. How can it change?

Originally, I thought you sounded like a martyr, heading off to another room and allowing this friend date to occur.
After reading your follow-up msgs, I reckon you're married to an absolute arse. There's only two ways to deal with this sort of inconsiderate lump.

1. You leave.
2. You don't leave rooms to care for your child. You plonk child in his arms whether he has friends there or not and you go mental when he tries to skirt his responsibilities.

My dh would have been terrified to even dream of hosting a friend at ours in the early days. He knew instinctively, it wouldn't be worth the grief. I'm not sure, tbh, how much of what he did/does is out of fear or soundness but it works for us!

Absolutely this. I think you deliberately set this situation up and are now going to moan about it.

whilst he sat on the sofa reading I was running around during his nap time putting wall paper up - despite asking him to help.
What exactly happens when you ask him to do things and he doesn't?

I mean, it doesn't really matter. Basically he's acting like a selfish cunt. He needs a serious kick up the arse.

His mum sounds like a dickhead as well, telling him to sleep in the spare room to be 'fresh for work'.