AIBU to be upset he has cut off my eldest daughter?

Wow what a shocking load of comments

There is a child here who has known this man as a parent carer..and who presumably loved him deeply. This will be deeply traumatic for her.

For her it will feel like a parent choosing her sibling and forgetting her.

Im sorry op it's appalling but I am really sorry

You dont deserve the cold comments you are getting here

OP, after all your numerous threads where it was clear they didn’t really want any kind of relationship with your child (of equal stature to your joint DD), and that your eldest child found it all really difficult and you had massive arguments with DH and his family; it’s really quite strange that you’re surprised by how it’s turned out after you initiated a split.

A clean break is probably for the best.

That's true and it has been pointed out on several threads by loads of posters for a long time!

I think posters need to read all the previous threads.

I remember this story. I think the OP got pregnant accidentally. The now husband did not want to marry but the OP's mother, his MIL, insisted they marry. It never worked out. The OP fell out with her in- laws and her step daughter was excluded. The OP was set on making her own nuclear family with her own daughter (not her step daughter) and the joint daughter. Her husband was unhappy from the start if I remember.

@Goatsarebest In all honesty it sounds as if the DH was close to the SD in the OP's eyes...

I think OP saw what she wanted to hence why this has surprised her a bit.

And he is full of crap saying it's too complicated to maintain a relationship with his step daughter. Maintaining a relationship isn't the same as leaving her his assets which he can perfectly legally protect for his bio children. Maintaining a relationship is making time for her, having a chat when he drops her sister off, inviting her to events with the other children, listening to her problems, remembering her birthday, giving her a lift, buying her a concert ticket on his credit card, helping her chose a prsent for your birthday, etc. Nothing complicated about any of that if he wanted to do it.
Why are people so horrible to people they are close to.

I understand that you wanted to be 1 unit.

Your SD didn't want this.

Your DH wasn't fussed (or would have done more to create this, but tbh, I would have also put my DD feelings first).

YOU didn't put your child's feelings first and exposed her to being treated as a second citizen, you should have been gone the first time they excluded her and definitely not then had a child which will have further highlighted the differences.

I am a SD, my step family embraced me but even from a young age I was aware that they didn't have to and it might not always be that way.

I cannot explain how much I feel for your daughter. You need to focus more on her and less on what's happened. You laso need to watch out for the relationship between your daughters. It sounds like 1 will be (nicely) spoilt, family events etc that exclude her sister. This doesn't abode well.

is her actual dad on the scene op?

He did, as your daughter and his stepchild. I believe you’ve said previously that she’s never called him dad, and is well aware that she has a different relationship with him than the one he shares with his actual children. He also wouldn’t have been interested in adopting her.

The pressure was from you. You knew what you were getting when you married him, and yet refused to accept it despite repeatedly being told no. What did you expect to happen, but this?

The thing is she’s not his kid, and he’s ensuring his kids are protected. I know it’s hard. Has she contact with her actual father?

I think it’d better to be honest. That he makes the cut now rather than later and he is housing her by default till she’s in her twenties if she wishes to live there.

They weee never obliged to be interested in your eldest, or you, but because you chose to live with her father, you were obliged to be interested in her. You seem offended that your DSD didn’t want to be friends with the child she was being gives to shared her father with, but you don’t seem to acknowledge her difficulties with the situation.

How bizarre for him to either think this about the law or to make it up?!

He has no relation to her whatsoever. Any contact would be consensual from her side only and not bound in any kind of law. He's not a blood relative or a parent and he never was.

If he means he thinks it'll be awkward for him to financially support one but not the other while being close to both then that doesn't need to be an issue.

He did accept her.

Now that your marriage is in its final stages, he's pulling away because she's not his daughter and he's not going to do anything that messes with his kids' inheiritance.

You knew this was coming, why are you complaining? You initiated the split.

I think you excluded your step daughter, and treated your mil like a cash cow, and when that cash only landed on her bio grand children you kicked off, you didnt just want them to love your child you wanted them to pay for your child too. You could have paid for your dd’s ‘pony lessons’ but chose not too, but expected someone else too.
This has all been about money

What I would never do is ask her out without my own daughter.

and yet you expected you ex dh to leave his dd out to go out with your dd’s, you only wanted a family unit when it suited you.

Exactly, and rarely considered when blending and unblending families because adults 'have a right to happiness' with a new partner and a 'right to happiness' by getting rid of a partner who isn't perfect to find another one.

And all those saying 8 years isn't that long in a child's life through their childhood are just in denial. It's a huge length of time during their informative years and these events shape them for life.

But, as OP is finding out, you might have thought your partner loves your children as you do, but when you split with them they invariably split with your children too. And your children learn to become less emotionally involved or vulnerable as a result, to protect themselves, which carries into adult life.

“I have never expected money to be spent on my daughter”

except you have because you then go on to talk about the MIL “flashing the cash”

so which is it? You and your husband chose to blend families. Your in laws didn’t.

There is a difference between accepting a stepdaughter during the marriage and continuing a relationship after a divorce initiated by you. Especially when his family doesn't see her as his. I think you're YABU. I wouldn't be that surprised.

Oh now just read more of the thread..... seems there has been alot of background left out of this post by OP.
Very sad as there's innocent children involved and this will likely lead to further resentment in many years to come between them. The whole situation sounds toxic from the start.

Ahhh OP I really feel for you & your DD big hugs to you both.
Tbh I don't get or agree with any of this or most of PP. Yes she isn't his biological daughter but 8 years IS a long time and certainly to a child who is also navigating her family being split into 2 whilst now dealing with the man she seen as a father figure rejecting her. I'm a stepmum and I could never do this to my DSD if anything was to happen with me and DH tbh she would likely stay with me over him (she lives FT with us) 😂and also for the record any marital assets would also be split equally between the 3 kids. Granted there is only DSD who we haven't have together and ours/her circs are that we are the only parents she has but it wouldn't make a difference to me either way. I have 3 DC and they are all treated the same and always will be.

Just out of interest OP, will you be continuing to maintain a relationship with his eldest daughter?

I remember a lot of your threads. Its time to focus on your eldest, your expectations of in-laws were way beyond what they were willing to provide. And now your ex is stepping back, I really feel for your eldest.

I'ts down to you (and if I remember right, your mum too) to make your eldest feel special, have fun experiences and treats.
I also think you should work on building savings for your daughter to at least go some way to levelling your two daughters futures.