AIBU to be upset he has cut off my eldest daughter?

Well it is 🤷.
If he goes on a family day out, there'd be his new partner (when he gets one) and any DC his new partner has, your shared youngest DD, his eldest DD - and if he includes your eldest DD too, that's a child belonging to his XW who his eldest DD doesn't get along with and who his new partner and her DC have no interest in or attachment to either. It doesn't work. Your eldest DD isn't his DD, so that's where the dividing line goes, she's on one side of that line with you and he's on the other side of that line with his DC (when his youngest isn't with you).

YABU about DSD. She's never lived with you so she's had no need to form relationships with your or your DC. She's attached to your younger DD because she's her sister. It's pretty simple from her perspective.

My sibling has a stepchild. A spoiled brat enabled by their parent, who doesn't treat my sibling with basic respect. I DGAF about this child, they're not my family. My siblings DC from this marriage and the previous relationship are my family, we share DNA, I've been part of their life from the beginning. When I ask my sibling about the DC, it's those two I'm asking about. I'd feel warmer towards the stepchild if they were a nicer person and if they were willing to engage with wider family get-togetgers, but my sibling's partner and stepchild have always chosen to absent themselves. They've been married for years. I've met the partner and stepchild only three times and one of those was the wedding. Why would I be inviting this stepchild, who is nothing to do with me, on a day out? Why would I be gifting them anything? It would be awkward and feel complicated.

YABU. He's not going to be bringing her sweets and magazines etc because he's made it clear to you that he's not interested in maintaining a relationship with your eldest DD. He's not coming in because it's clear to him that you haven't explained to your eldest what splitting up actually means for the family dynamics and her place in things. Instead of being a parent and helping her navigate the situation which you brought about, you're letting her get hurt by trying to continue a relationship with him and being rejected and setting up a situation where you're blaming him for that and probably hoping that she does the same.

He's doing what people who are single do, putting his DC and himself first. Which is natural and normal.

You broke up your marriage because you didn't like the inequality between your DDs. Fine. But you surely can't have been mad enough to think a split would improve the inequality?! It was only ever going to make the division worse and cement the fact your eldest DD isn't part of your XH's family.

What did you actually expect from divorce? Your ex already has two DC from failed relationships to financially support, I can totally understand he doesn't want to voluntarily take on a third DC he has no legal responsibility for. I'm sure he wants some of his earnings to go towards his new relationship when he gets one and any subsequent DC he has. Your DD is your legal responsibility. He's right, it's far to complicated trying to maintain a relationship with your DD whilst ensuring there's no legal responsibility placed upon him to financially support her.

"Naturally evolved." I bet it did - as things tend to when that's the way you want to do it.

Op you are not at all unreasonable to be hurt by this,. She is your DD and it is completely natural for you to feel hurt on her behalf.

Nonetheless, I think it is more common than not for things to play out this way in the event of a split.

I am always surprised how many people don't seem to grasp how incredibly rare are the stepparents who really care deeply for their stepchildren. It is one reason I cannot understand how willingly people blend families.

Just be glad he isn't in her life letting her develop any deeper attachment.

But this is key to ops thought process “why should step daughter be here?! She’s the old family, we’re here now, she’s not needed!”

Better now than later. He isn’t her father, she doesn’t call him dad. Even though her father is not on the scene. And he’s been there since she was an infant. She’s her mother’s husband, now ex husband. And he’s doesn’t want to maintain a father daughter relationship with a child who is not his.

the op just needs to explain it. That they have split up. And he’s will maintain with his own child as she’s so little. She then needs to deal with the real issue, the non existent real father,

It’s nothing to do with opinions on step parents, this particular step parent doesn’t want a relationship with his stepchild that’s what we’re commenting on

I think this is an issue with blended families. Stepchildren are accepted as they are an ancillary person to the parent but when the relationship ends with the parent so does the one with the stepchild.

I have been both the stepchild who was swiftly cut off from seeing a stepparent as my mother had someone new waiting in the wings and the stepchild who continued seeing a stepfather for a bit. These things tend to fizzle out over time.

Don’t be so glib. Relationships are far more nuanced than that. His behaviour and choices will cause a great deal of emotional harm to the blameless child in this situation.

Another countless example of why blended families are more damaging except for the selfish adults who want that

I just find some posters so 'concerned' about the OP's daughter whilst ignoring the other stepdaughter, the OP's step daughter that she has nothing to do with. That appears to be ok with these posters because this stepdaughter is the wrong side of the OP's family. It seems some step children have more rights than others.

You're not being unreasonable, and I think it's worth separating two different things your husband has bundled together: the legal advice he's been given, and the choice he's made about contact.
It's true that family courts can, in some circumstances, recognise someone who has acted as a parent to a child, even without a biological or legal tie, as having stepped into a "psychological parent" role, and this can occasionally become relevant in disputes over residency or contact. So there's a kernel of real legal logic behind his solicitor flagging it. But that's quite different from what's actually happened here, which is a complete stop in contact and not even asking how she is, after eight years of being the only father figure she's known. A lawyer might reasonably advise being cautious about, say, formally extending himself as parent again or volunteering for ongoing arrangements that could later be argued as creating responsibility. That's a long way from cutting off all warmth, mention, or inclusion, which sounds less like legal necessity and more like he's decided the cleanest way to protect himself is to disengage entirely, and is using the legal complexity as the explanation because it's easier than saying that out loud.
It's also worth holding onto the fact that your eldest didn't choose any of this, and from her side, a man who's effectively been a dad for most of her life has just disappeared with no acknowledgement, while her little sister still sees him. Whatever the legal reasoning, the emotional impact on her is real, and your distress on her behalf seems entirely proportionate, not an overreaction.
If you haven't already, it might be worth raising with your own solicitor whether there's actually a meaningful legal risk in him having ordinary, low-key contact with your eldest, like a birthday card, the occasional message, versus what may just be a defensive overcorrection on his part. It may turn out the law gives him far more room than he's claiming, and that distinction matters both for your daughter's sake and for understanding how much of this is necessity versus choice.

Same her. I won the stepdad lottery, but it's still not enough to inspire me becoming a step-parent, or subjecting my daughter to one.

I'm so sorry @GeorgeClarkefan . His behaviour is quite mean.

The thing is the OP has had a lot of threads complaining about this family excluding her daughter.

It’s great your family treat foster children the same, it’s how it should be.

but this family excluded OP DD from day one and she ignored it and didn’t protect her child - it’s a very close knit family, I would have had to have walked away.

even here she was said it was a happy unit even though her SD clearly wasn’t a part of that and her DH had a foot in both camps.

Thats not a happy unit.

This. Those previous threads are hard to read but but out reading them you do not get the full picture. I feel so badly for the eldest daughter she was put in such awkward situations and I feel so badly for the step daughter as well.

OP, you always dismiss your step daughter with snide, put down comments. Yet, your plea is constantly about the unfair treatment by your ex husband to his step daughter. Anyone who hasn't read the previous threads might be sucked into how unfair your husband and his family have been. You are mighty protective of your own biological children. Why do you think your step daughter doesn't like you?

I'm not sure of the backstory here although many posters allude to one.

Taking this situation at face value I would be upset too. Relationships do develop over time. One of the reasons I don't completely hate my ex and father of my youngest child is how he and his family continued to treat my eldest with love, care and genuine interest in her wellbeing. Despite her having her own father who was and still is active in her life. Even now, 22 years on from the split they still maintain a relationship and my ex is grandpops to my eldests child.

Op I suspect there is a reason you don’t want to answer questions on her actual father, as it will make you look even more unreasonable?

When your eldest child naturally gravitates towards your younger child at a funeral you would never expect younger child’s older cousin to ask them to go back to me.

She was with the family party. Your daughter wasn't a part of that, you knew that, and you should have kept her with you.

It never occurred to me that my stepdaughter would be at my in-laws when we dropped in. Never occurred to me that husband’s niece would invite my three three year old on the basis of DNA to her party and not my eldest who is her age.

You knew she wasn't interested in being friends with your daughter but was interested in spending time with her little sister. Why would you expect her to be invited? You got in the way of the bio sibling relationship on your daughter's behalf and I think that's why your STBX is going to be keeping his distance.

You knew his family did not see her as family. But you persisted in trying to make her a part of it and if it didn't happen, you brought the drama and got upset, like with the activity that you couldn't even pay for.

I 100% agree with this. There are a lot of really cold "mothers" on here. 8yrs is a long time to be in a childs life. Any child that comes into mine and dps wider family are treated exactly the same.
We have a foster child who we love so so much, they are treated the same as bio.
I absolutely abhor the "blood" brigade with a passion.
Disgusting human beings imo

And that’s fine, he’s said no. She’s not his kid. You need to Accept this

again, what about her actual father?

Maybe to you he isn’t but maybe to his step daughter he is her father and the only father she’s only ever known.

There are 3 children involved, which I think has been the problem all
along. OP has only ever been interested in 2.

Your youngest couldn't spend time with her oldest sister without your eldest daughter horning in. I remember you got mad because your SD said something.

He's avoiding those situations now. He's been kind to her and helped support her and is housing her, but he's not her dad and he's not going to pretend to meet your expectations anymore. She's not getting money from him or his family. He's parenting his two and that's that. You need to adjust your expectations.

You've had double standards all along for him and his parents with regards to your eldest, yet you didn't expect you and your mom to live by those same standards when it came to his eldest. You still do. It's like you have blinders on and only see what you want to see. That mindset has served you really poorly and maybe you should think about getting some therapy.

It never occurred to you that your SD would be at her grandparents’ house when you dropped in? Her grandparents trumps your in-laws as a relationship. Seems to me that your SD family did everything they could to ensure their grandchild got to see her younger half-sister, given she spent so little time at yours.