AIBU to be upset he has cut off my eldest daughter?

TBF most ppl aren’t saying the ex’s actions are ok, they aren’t.

Many of us are saying the signs were there at the start and OP should have walked away to protect her DD.

Same as DH should have walked away when he saw his SD wasn’t happy with OP and her DD. They continued, got married, had a child and are now in this mess.

Many SM aren’t happy with the SKs, live for ‘when it’s just us/our unit’. They should move on before they have kids. The parent (their partner) should move on when they see SM isn’t happy with the SKs/ their parenting.

Too many people ignore the DC issue in blended families and voila - you have an unhappy household.

As an adoptive parent your relationship with a child is driven by your choice to adopt them. You choose that relationship for itself and this underpins your love for that child.

As a step parent your relationship with the child is driven by your romantic relationship with their parent. The relationship with the child is a byproduct and "baggage" many step parents would rather they didn't have given the choice.

Its very very different & you know that. No one is saying a non bio parent can't choose to love a child as much as a bio child but many step parents don't choose to have step children in that sense.

A lot of men have very transient attachments to children, unfortunately. They often see them as a subset of the woman they are with, so they can perform “fantastic father” incredibly convincingly until they are no longer with the mother, then the relationship just dissipates overnight. Lots of these men then go on to be “fantastic father” to the next woman’s kids, while neglecting their own. I wouldn’t be surprised if his interest in your younger daughter wanes as well, especially if he acquires new stepchildren at some point.

Thanks. I haven’t read the previous threads. My own dad though, had children from a previous marriage who called him dad despite being fully aware that he wasn’t their biological dad. But he was the only dad they had ever known. He didn’t abandon them when he and his first wife separated.

I know it’s different for different families though. And apparently this guy never had that relationship with the SD and she wasn’t accepted by his family, so it shouldn’t really come as a big shock. Sad as it is.

She said that my stepdaughter constantly moans about my eldest, we have gone out of our way for my husband to see her on her own even leaving the house so they can watch films together. Mil thinks stepdaughter should see youngest without my eldest, this only happens by chance and apparently is important to stepdaughter. I concede on this one but leaves a horrible taste in my mouth.

She has lots of time with her father alone often at the inconvenience to everyone else.

Yes. Horned in on works. Your MIL had to speak with you about allowing SD and your youngest time together without your oldest always there. You could have protected their time together but instead, you jumped on SD when she dared say something.

You saw your STBX's time alone with his daughter as an inconvenience.

The difference with adoption is that you have to jump through hoops to do it. It's something you choose. I don't think people would do that if they didn't think they'd love their adopted child like their own. Stepchildren are a different thing entirely. Nobody chooses them, they just come as part of the package of the person you're in a relationship with. When people in this thread say "biology" it seems to me they're talking about it in the context of stepchildren, not adoption. I don't think anyone's trying to get at you when they're saying that.

I'm afraid he's spot on - see the Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependants) Act 1975

According to her previous threads, she doesn’t. She knows he isn’t her father, and he’s never claimed to see her as his child.

The problem always always always comes up when a women has a child with a deadbeat dad.

She expects and wants more from her new man’s family than her child’s actual
father gives. You will get those giving it the whole he picks you so put your foot down about your shared child blah blah.

Yes he picked up not her child as happens In many many cases the child she comes with is the price for sharing the woman’s bed. Remove the bed the child is of equal importance as a random on the street.

People need to stop expecting strangers to automatically pick up the pieces from
Dead beats. Stop buying a fake blended dream that 99% of the time is a failure.

Most step children wouldn’t have a step parent for their own child should speak volumes.

and before it crops up. You can have a relationship and even sex without moving a random man/woman in with your child.

Sorry if I’ve missed it, but does your DD (his DSD) call him dad?

Are you seriously comparing a step parent with an adoptive parent?

I’m with you here on MIL, I have a stepson who we have 50/50 custody of. My entire family including parents, grandparents, aunties and uncles who all spend exactly the same on my step son at birthday and Christmas as my boo children. If my mum and stepdad send holiday spending money for my children, she also sends for my stepson. We would hate for him to feel “less than” while he is with us so I get you!

You think I’m unable to love my adopted child as much due to biology?

Do you know how many biological parents don’t properly love or care for their kids? I was removed from mine.

I think OP has been incredibly foolish, especially moving in a man with her young daughter that she only knew a year, but the biology lies drive me bonkers.

I have known my step children for over 15 years. If I split up with their dad I’m not reaching out for a relationship with them

The reason that you and your DH separated is because although his family were civil and friendly to you and your older daughter, they excluded your older daughter from many social occasions and holidays where your younger daughter was invited. This exclusion understandably upset both you and your older daughter.

Although it is unkind of your ex-husband to decide to cut off your older daughter and never see her again, it should have been pretty obvious that this would happen when you separated as his family didn't ever really treat you and your older daughter as family and now your ex-husband is behaving just like his parents have always done.

I really hope this thread is brought up when a stepmum posts about treating the stepkids differently to her own....seems like there is a double standard here where a woman and her family would be ripped apart.

💯 this.
According to OP she even showed up and foisted herself and her eldest DD upon her SIL when the poor woman was grieving the loss of her father only 5hrs ago and wanted some comfort from her brother! Why did OP show up at that time, knowing that his family don't see her and her eldest DD as their family? She even had the bare faced cheek to be upset at being asked to leave.

OP you're coming across as a controller.

"We always visited as a family" - why? Why couldn't XH and shared DD visit his family just them sometimes? Why couldn't DSD and shared DD spend time alone just them two, whether alone or with other family members? Why were you surprised to find DSD at her grandparents house when you visited? They're her family, why wouldn't she be there, they can invite whoever they like to their home whenever they want? You're coming across as someone who wants to be the centre of attention, who doesn't want to share the limelight. You wanted to be the only visitors.

You initially found yourself in a situation you didn't like, where XH's family didn't accept you and your eldest DD into their fold. (I'm beginning to see why, TBH. If I was faced with a control freak in-law I wouldn't accept them as my new bestie either and would continue trying to see my blood relatives without the controlling interloper). Perhaps they knew he didn't intend to have more DC or to marry again? Perhaps he discussed with them his reluctance and being pressured into it by your family? It really doesn't sound like XH was "in" as much as you wanted him to be, with this relationship. Perhaps his biggest mistake was in failing to take full responsibility himself for ensuring you didn't get pregnant.
Then instead of realising this situation wasn't working out for you and breaking up with your partner before the relationship really got going, you stayed with him because you wanted to and tried to force his family to accept you and eldest DD because you wanted it to happen and believe your way is the only "right" way of doing things. It's pretty batshit behaviour TBH.

All this nonsense about being "happy together in our house". As if your house and your nuclear family existed in some kind of vacuum and the rest of the world and the people in it, including your in-laws and DSD, did not exist.

You say his reluctance to marry wasn't about his feelings for you. If that's true, his reluctance to marry probably stemmed from wanting to protect his inheritance for his own DC, which he risked by marrying someone and especially when that someone also had a DC.
So it should be no surprise that now he's divorcing he's returning to Plan A, which was to protect his DC inheritance as much as possible. That includes not having a relationship with your DD so there's no way she can challenge the will at a later date by claiming that he was a father figure to her and arguing that he should have provided for her in the will. Even if she was unsuccessful it would still mean heartache and headache for all legitimate beneficiaries, at a time they're busy grieving.

I for one am relieved that there won’t be yet another thread from this OP about her infuriation that her child from a previous relationship isn’t treated identically by her husband’s family

and the OP’s disdain from her SD was so off putting

I remember your past thread. Your equality was always at the detriment of your SD. She was never asked if she wanted to share her dad with a random kid, he doesnt want dd1 during contact now so that dsd and dd2 can actually have some alone time. Your in laws saw that you saw yourself as a foursome plus dsd as an outsider and tried to remedy that. It is fair that they prevent their grandchild from being the overlooked one.

You ended the marriage - you signalled to Dh That you didnt want to be a family anymore, you chose this!

I know, and when the dad, SD and youngest DD went to in-law's to spend quality time together OP would rock up with her oldest child pretending to be all offended when they weren't thrilled that they also joined.

I really feel for OPs oldest DD. If OP had acted more level headed she wouldn't have had all this heart ache.

I’m sure the IL’s disinherited the DH at one point and he still stuck with OP - they definitely had the measure of this situation.

The home is only until the youngest is 19/finishes FT education. DH will probably go back to inheriting a share of his parents house again now there’s no OP/DSC on the scene, and the youngest may end up with even more now.

As a step child too, my experience was the same. Lots of lip service to ‘loving us all the same’ but the reality is that it was a virtue signalling narrative that they sold themselves to make themselves feel better. There were and are never there for me or my children when we’ve needed support - emotional of financial. And for the same reasons I would also avoid divorce and never have remarried and, having got my kids to adulthood/uni, I still wouldn’t ever remarry especially where there were step children. Fortunately my DH feels the same. We’ll suffer each other [fortunately we’re are very strong after 34 years and 24 of them married] but never remarry and muddle our lives like this.

It’s tough for your eldest daughter, just proves like many men he went along with things, played the game while it suited his needs, he’s love for your eldest was conditional.

Ah have now rtft and remember your other thread. You wanted your husbands family to include your eldest in everything your youngest was involved in even though she wasn't related to them. Your youngest missed out on things with her dad's family because you didn't like that your eldest wasn't included.

And you are surprised now? Your husband was never going to stay involved with a step daughter post separation. The people you should be cross at are your eldest's paternal relatives. They are the family she is missing, not the step dad you married.

You’ve had daughters by different men, and hat do you expect? It’s not the step-fathers job to level the playing field. You are a mother to both and very much able to step up and ask the father of your eldest to help or get things sorted yourself.