AIBU to be upset he has cut off my eldest daughter?

To be fair, you were warned that you wouldn't even things up by this course of action and would likely make things worse for your eldest child. You've highlighted your husband saw more of your child than his own yet could never empathise with that child and why she wanted to protect time with her Dad and paternal family.

It's all a matter of perspective. Imo the people to be judged are the parents inserting random adults into their poor kid's homes and hoping it doesn't go wrong just so they're not lonely at night themselves.

Exactly, but call me cynical but I still think men are seen as a bank

Many woman also don't continue to have a relationship with their ex-step-children after their relationship with their father ends either though. In fact, I've seen plenty of posts on here where not seeing his kids anymore is touted as one of the benefits of the breakup when a woman is considering leaving the relationship.

@GeorgeClarkefan how often have you been catching up with SD since split? You been taking her out, buying her things?

I haven’t read any previous threads so was unaware of that. However, the principle remains that stepchildren should not be classed as somehow less than biological children (and it seems that may apply to the OP too).

That bond was dependent on his marriage to OP, which is now over. He was kind to her as his stepchild, yes, but he isn’t someone that ever presented himself as her father or encouraged her to view him as such.

Whatever bond they may or may not have had is clearly not worth the drama that attempting to maintain it would bring, even if he were so inclined. It likely wouldn’t be to the benefit of his own eldest daughter either, who I imagine is quite relieved at no longer having to deal with OP trying to dominate her family.

What makes you think he was a lovely adult to her?

and even if he was, does that mean they had a close bond?

OP was lovely to SD and they don’t seem to have a bond.

Many, many SKs live with parents who are kind but aren’t bonded to them.

The SP board will tell you this.

What makes you think this isn’t possible?

I lived with my mums partner (my ‘step dad’) for that long, my mum is still with him in fact, and he has contacted me zero times in the twenty years since I left.

No interest at all.

The feeling is mutual…!

It is sad for your child if she wanted the relationship to continue. But he isn't her Dad. This is often what happens when people split up.

Well yes and his eldest was in ops life for same time, but she wasn’t welcomed by op into her dads home, op would stop her having any interaction with the youngest

Now that Ive read the thread in full i remember the OP now. It was very obvious she wanted to play happy families with her own two daughter and the husband and she saw no proper place in that family for her husbands daughter. She strongly facilitated the relationship between her own two daughters and saw her step daughter as a threat so didnt ever let the stepdaughter spend time with her little sister with op's older daughter being around too. It was ridiculous.
She expected her own older daughter to be treated as family by her in laws despite being no relation to them but then clearly tried to push her own step daughter to the edges within their close family unit.
And now its blown up in her face.

But the family rejected OP DD? They barely tolerated her yet the OP continued the relationship.

They literally didn’t want the poor child around? Which was the cause of OP anguish.

I’ve never read anything from this OP showing ex was more than civil to the DD anyway.

Your eldest dd is not his child.
He doesn't want to end up being financially responsible for her in any way, shape or form. So he's setting boundaries early in the divorce process.
There has been so much drama around ' equality ' for your eldest dd. He put up with it whilst married to you, but can distance himself completely from it now. He may even feel relieved that life no longer has to be one big battle.
Whatever his reasons are, I think you need to accept it.

@bigfacthunter @WhyWouldSomeoneDoThat If there was a bond between Ex and DD he wouldn’t have walked away. This is not a case where the parent had severed the bond, in fact the OP has never really described instances of this bond - indeed, DH didn’t seem to try and protect his SD feelings before.

He might well have a moral duty to continue to care for DD, but then doesn’t that mean that OP should still (if she ever) care for her SD?

In reality, both parents have a duty to protect their DC and failed by exposing them to unsatisfactory relationships.
Neither SP was responsible for the others DC.

What is wrong with all of you? He was, to all intents and purposes, her father for EIGHT YEARS! I don’t agree that he was simply ‘tolerating’ her for all that time. In every family I know that has step-children they are fully embraced by the entire family, including grand-parents and aunts/uncles, because although they are not biologically related, that does not matter. Would you think that adopted children should also just be tolerated and not considered to be part of the family?
OP you are not being unreasonable. Your ex-partner worrying about what your child make take from his child just shows what an utter twat he is. You made the right decision to leave him.

I am so relieved to see this comment. Literally cannot believe the heartless bs on here. I hope none of these awful bastards are around children.

OP you dont seem to want to answer the questions asking how old your eldest daughter is and how old your youngest is? Its relevant to this. If your eldest is 8.5 and has literally lived with this man her whole life, i can sort of see why you feel upset. If shes 17 and he only moved in when she was 10, thats a different situation.

I would view this no differently if op was male & expected an ex wife to maintain a relationship with step DC post divorce.

The whole notion of blended families is generally predicated upon the parents choosing their own wants/happiness over what is likely to be best for their DC long term.

Even in ops situation her choice to divorce has been about her & does not benefit her DC.
When married her youngest was treated to stuff by in laws and eldest was left out.

This will continue to happen post divorce - so the separation does not improve anything for her eldest. Eldest loses a father figure albeit not a bio dad.
Her youngest has to endure parents separation & stared custody so is worse off.

Op gets her feelings of guilt over her eldests feelings and dislike of the inequality somewhat assuaged.

Yes.

The short version, having followed the OP's previous threads is - her vision of a happy blended family has always been her DDs being front and centre and the SD as little there as possible. She broke up with her ex because that wasn't happening but somehow still expects it to happen!

Obviously he should continue to treat her DD well even though she has no intention of seeing her SD ever again

@YourLoftyCyanZebra i feel sorry for all of the children, this won’t end here, the tensions will be lifelong.

I also feel sorry for the OP in a way. It doesn’t sound like her marriage was particularly loving anyway and I suspect she was desperate for a happy large family so shut her eyes and didn’t protect her DD.

I am a SD, have been since age 2 (my SDad is amazing) and as with others I don’t think I’d ever choose this for my DC and I pray to god if DH and I split that he doesn’t blend with them.

But he ia not the chils father of course when womwn want money then it seems to be an issue

And adopting is not the same thing as being a step parent i cant beleive women cant see this when they chose to blend families

I agree that the whole situation could have been avoided by not blending families. I also think that the same grace not be shown to a stepmum or her family at all. The way some posters are talking about OPs eldest DD is more than a little 'snide' and I feel really sorry for all the kids.

This thread is ringing so many bells for me, I'm wondering if I've previously read posts by the same poster. Although this type of situation is so common I guess it could be a coincidence. There's a lot of similarities though.
If it's the same poster the eldest DD had ADHD and a nasty POS for a bio dad, who she saw regularly and who had a detrimental effect on her behaviour/attitude.