AIBU to grieve the life I feel I might have had?

You can feel aggrieved at your tragedies of course. But you asked how to get over the fact that you didn’t achieve more. What everyone is saying in a roundabout way is that considering the beginning you had you’ve done extremely well… so being unhappy with that doesn’t make sense. If you want to get over the unfairness you just have to accept that life was unfair and that’s that. You either decide now to do something to reach this imaginary pinnacle or you get over the fact that you have no idea what you might have achieved with better opportunities and without making the choices that you did.

My first thought was how amazing you have done to get to where you are, despite all the challenges you have faced.
And a lot can change in a short time. Look forward!

Yes, this 👏🏻 My eldest daughter absolutely is a million times more intelligent, astute, with a more sparkling engaging personality than I ever had. Pure Oxbridge material, and I hope will go onto do all the things I wish that I could have done.

I was academically able, but not gifted, and I didn't achieve the full potential people made out I could when I was younger. Looking back, my parents were perhaps too overprotective, and this consequently made me feel very lacking in confidence, so it probably stifled my potential somewhat.

But I don't think it matters. I have achieved being a mum, a wife, have three wonderful, beautiful, clever children. They make up for all my shortcomings and things I wish I could have done.

In fairness you’re asking us to tell you it’s reasonable that you would have had an exceptional life but for some horrible things that happened to you. Not many people are exceptional. If that’s uncomfortable then you are not ready to ask this question, you’d rather live with a delusion that you were destined for greater things.

Those with the right grades don’t always get into the top unis. Those that do, often flunk out or fail to thrive. There is someone on this thread who said ‘yep, me!’

The lives you’re hankering after are for people who have rich parents, nice schools and possibly easy lives. And they may have all the same issues as you. You just don’t know about it.

There is poster here who said she’d trade everything she has for healthy, happy kids. You are not listening to any of the advice you have specifically asked for: all you want to hear is - yes you would have been the CEO but for x y z.

The biggest truth is though, if your parents had not been your parents, you would not exist. They could have made different choices, and I’m sorry they didn’t, but everyone has to play the hand they are dealt.

You’ve done so well. Please allow yourself some sense of achievement.
Think about what you can do now with the next phase of your life.

But you have no idea what people’s lives will unfold as.

My best friend had a MUCH better childhood than mine. I was homeless as a teenager.

At 30 with a one year old baby her husband dropped dead suddenly. It was horrific. I know few people who have experienced that much trauma with a baby at home.

At the same time I had lost a baby after years of infertility. That was awful and shocking. I still had my husband at the time though.

Everyone has their own shit. Everyone has heartbreaking stories.

Grieving them is one thing, choosing to live in them is something else.

Ive had similar thoughts OP. I am incredibly grateful for everything about my life that is good, and there really is so much. But the doesnt resolve the grief for life could have been if Id had 'good enough' parents and a normal childhood.

My father is an abusive narcissistic misogynistic alcoholic who had nothing positive ever to say to me, and tore me down at every opportunity. Growing up in these types of environments leaves you fundamentally broken. You have no template for what a good relationship is, what a good man is. You cant recognise one and even if by luck you fall into a relationship with someone who is good, it feels wrong. So you end up repeating the pattern, and another man comes along and takes even more, and you lose yourself even more.

If eventually if you are determined enough to work through it all and figure it out, decades have already passed. And that time can never be regained, its gone forever along with all the opportunities of youth.

It is a grief, grief for the life that could have been if you hadnt had to fight all those battles just to get where so many people seem to start. For sure there are always those who are worse off than you, and those who are not. But grief it grief and you just have to work your way through it.

For what its worth I have found AI (Claude) a good sounding block for a lot of these thoughts. It gives excellent psychology grounded reassuring advice without judgement (unlike Mumsnet!).

I mean, I literally haven’t said anything about clean water 😂 People are telling you how not to feel this way. But you’re reacting to their advice with ‘but XYZ happened to me …’ which is why people are trying to share alternative narratives to open your eyes. No one is saying that your experiences haven’t been harmful - but if you’re determined that these things mean you can’t be happy, then how do you expect any of us to tell you differently.

What exactly is it that you want? You’re not really asking for advice, because people are giving you it, and you’re rejecting it. You’re in a total spiral where you’re determined to be unhappy.

Youve had a hard life, absolutely. You have that validation …. But now what? You’re entitled to be bitter and angry about how hard your life has been …. But you should also acknowledge that you’re not the only one! What advice are you actually looking for?

I went to a walk with a friend who had lost her dad a few months before . She saw some grandads walking with their families and said ‘oh I just wish I had my dad’. Well, so do I (he died years before hers). But more, I wish I had my DH, who died suddenly when my kids were 4 and 6. She still had hers, 15 years after that conversation.
OP we can’t live our lives over, and life is unfair. My DD was diagnosed with MS at 17. Another mum at school was diagnosed with lung cancer at 35, having never smoked. She’s gone too. Life is unfair. But I don’t know a single person whose life hasn’t been touched by some drama or crisis, no matter how picture perfect it looks like from the outside.

You made it a competition, not me.

You’re right. 1 in 4 people do not have access to clean drinking water and food. One in four. That is bonkers to me. Utterly tragic,

I’ve lived in one of those countries for a short time and it is eye opening. I think it would do us so much good to all get that opportunity.

And that’s not even taking into account wars, child sex trafficking, slavery and all other abysmal things happening in different places.

It sounds like rather than look at the advantages you have had, and the things you have accomplished, you’re picking away at your life.

Sounds very much like gifted child syndrome. I don't think society is very fair at all to the kind of neurodivergent girls who are precocious in their academic development and generally thrive in a classroom. They get told they are very special and will change the world, but the reality is they often struggle in adulthood because either they didn't really need to learn good study habits and self discipline, or they burn out, or difficulties with social skills become a barrier to building a life and to professional advancement. And while they were well ahead of the game academically as a kid, other people do catch up over time, so their unique thing becomes less so.

The problem is if you've grown up being told you're special, it messes with your self perception and can lead to the kind of regrets you're describing. I've been through this myself and it's taken me decades to get to the point of really accepting that I'm just normal - cleverer than average maybe but with all kinds of weaknesses as well as strengths - and I'll probably never achieve particular greatness. It's ok. Hardly anyone does, and it's fine to be a small part of the greater whole. Like, every ant in the colony is important, and forms an integral part of a wider ecosystem, even if they go about their days mostly completely unnoticed? I think there's beauty in that too.

YANBU on one hand, you’ve overcome abuse- awful childhood abuse, but that abuse no doubt hampered your future. You’ve worked so hard, you should be proud of your achievements. You are still young, could you study now? Change jobs? Are you happy generally?
Your life could easily have taken a much darker turn OP and not just if you’d turned to drink/drugs, but there’s burn out and stress too. Enjoy the life you’ve made for yourself!

Honestly,stop looking at your cup as half empty and look at it as half full,I understand your childhood was hard but look at how far you have came from then,look at all you've achieved! And just be proud of your self and allow yourself to be happy!
I too had a awful childhood class A drug addict father and alcoholic mother! I am a 30 year old now and a stay at home Mother of 5 and im dam proud of the person I am today with the little I had as a child. My cup will be forever half full just for getting away from that situation.

His is confusing me. You’re asking for advice and getting lots, but the self pity is not serving you. Everyone here thinks that you had bad breaks, but you are being told people had worse and you are
dismissing this, because they aren’t you.

If you approach everything like this, no one can help or advise you. You are not listening.

We’ve had a report today where 250,000 girls have been horrifically abused. Lots of these are now adults who wish they had your problems. Life is about perspective and self pity is the most unhelpful thing you can do.

Well meet some new people.

Life's short you have to do what makes you happy. If that's doing a course and changing careers at middle age you take that risk. I've always wanted to be a journalist (I loved writing).I've been looking at nctj courses this evening.

Half my 20s and all of my 30s were spent in an abusive relationship. Whilst others at uni were out having fun and making friends I was living on egg shells wondering what he'd do next. He took over my life, he moved into my room in halls, I never had a night without him. I turned down a date with a rather hot guy who probably would have been perfect for me (I regret that the most) but I made the choice I did.

I started again at 40, too messed up for a relationship at the time, then too old for children when life became good.

Our past makes us who we are today, our future is yet to be written and so can be changed.

It’s easy to look back and think about how life could’ve been different. None of us know how life could’ve been for us if we only made different decisions.

This is true. It is so easy to imagine that had you gone to Oxbridge, you would have shone academically and stepped into a glittering career. But you might nave been like the not inconsiderable number who get in, but struggle, academically, mentally and even socially. Or you might have flown through, got the high-pressured job and, in a sleep-deprived state after working late to impress your new boss by showing how much you deserved it, stepped in front of the proverbial bus.

You can't compare reality with fantasy. It isn't a level playing field.

It’s easy to look back and think about how life could’ve been different. None of us know how life could’ve been for us if we only made different decisions. You’ve done so well to get to where you are in life despite your previous circumstances and traumas you have experienced. I’d strongly recommend having some therapy, I really think you would benefit from it and it will help you not only process the past, but help you understand who you are so you can move forward confidently into the future, knowing that the decisions you make are made from a place of knowing and understanding yourself rather than from fear. Wishing you the best of luck.

Op you are getting quite a hard time and I would say that you are not unreasonable in the sense it is normal to wonder what if, and also completely normal to think sometimes "wouldn't that be nice."

But that, in another guise, is called dreaming and the whole point of dreaming is to try to make positive improvements. I think the feelings are not "wrong" but your reaction to them is bogging you down in a funk. There is a sense of "it's all ruined now" and ... it really isn't.

Try first to think of one thing - one tiny, perfectly possible thing - you would like to have or do that you have never had or done. Then this weekend go and just have it or do it. Then build from there.