AIBU to grieve the life I feel I might have had?

You’re 40. Not dead. Change things.

YANBU. I feel that I have a lot of wasted potential as well. I have a very high IQ and was tipped for greatness, but I work a pretty mediocre job and am not as wealthy as Id like to be (I won't lie, I get livid when I see people like the worthless flabby vapid Kardashians rolling in money!) I am getting less bitter as I get older, but I do feel you.

i totally agree with all of this so apologies if I was appearing dismissive. I am not someone that would say “we all have problems” to someone going through a difficult time.

But to be clear, I do think there is a difference between “why is my mental health bad?” which I feel like I would’ve answered more in line with what you’ve said and “why am I not more successful?” which is what I was trying to look at. And I know both can be and are often interlinked but I do think it doesn’t hurt to accept that there are a zillion reasons to not be where you think you could have been. I personally find it quite liberating to remember that there are so many circumstantial reasons for why someone is and isn’t “successful” and that we shouldn’t congratulate or berate ourselves too much in this regard.

I used to feel the same, didn't make the most of early potential. I asked my (very supportive and lovely, sadly now passed) dad whether he regretted that I hadn't made the most of my early potential. He said no, because I wouldn't be the person I am now. Makes me well up to think about it. He was a man of few words.

You wouldn't be the person you are now if you had done things differently and you sound like a lovely well-rounded person. Hold on to that.

I am mentally very well now, thank you, but I just thought that comment was interesting..

I feel like knowing everyone has a story that would break your heart makes the human experience so much less lonely.

We all have feelings of anger, shame, disappointment. We all have been the villains and the hero’s.

Human experiences are far more similar than most of us think.

No, but people do share their own experiences, and how they coped and moved on.

“my husband cheated too and did xyz, here’s what i did and how I think about it now”

Thats exactly what people have done here, it’s exactly what you asked for, but you don’t actually want to hear it.

It’s pretty rare that the OP comes back and goes “WELL, I KNOW I ASKED FOR ADVICE TO CHANGE MY MINDSET BUT I DIDNT WANT TO HEAR ANY OF YOUR SHIT, ONLY MINE!!! - DONT MAKE ME CHANGE MY MIND!!!!! YOURE MINIMISING ME!!!!’

Sharing like experiences is a way of connecting with people, not belittling them. You are asking if you are reasonable to think that you should have had a better life? It’s perfectly reasonable for people to say - yes - but this is my experience. And that experience might be better or worse.

Most people are comforted by this, you aren’t, you are annoyed that the focus is being taken from you on a public forum.

I’m taking time to say that you cannot get what you want here, not to say anything to try and upset you. You clearly have a lot of anger and mumsnet isn’t the place to ease this.

Find where your local Priory hospital/anxiety treatment centre is. There are some really good therapists there. The best are at Roehampton IMHO. I thoroughly recommend that place, life-changing for me.

I think it’s understandable that you feel that way, considering everything that’s happened to you.

However, I don’t think it does you any good to think that way. You have to think positively about the things you have, or you’ll just drive yourself mad, and ruin the life you’ve made for yourself.

It sounds like OP has dealt with at least 6 things from your list. One thing at a time is bad enough. I do think it's disingenuous to say something along the lines of "everyone has struggles". It's not irrelevant because all the studies show that childhood trauma impacts people for the rest of their lives. You can't just magic the pain away. It takes major therapy and a lot of people struggle to get to the contentment stage. The majority of Britain's population has not gone through several major traumas in life let's be fair so it would make sense to look at a normal person and think "god I wish I had that one bad life experience instead of my 6 shit life experiences".

Most posters on MN are trying to give their children the best possible lives ever. No smacking, stranger danger to the max, pushing tutoring. Being told you're the best whatever mistakes you make. Then on the flip side imagine growing up before the Internet, being abused and neglected and having no one to turn to for help. Not even realising your childhood was weird until well into adulthood. The rift between the haves and have nots in emotional care is huge and it's hard to understand if you haven't experienced it.

Some of the accounts of people who grew up with addicts and suffered major neglect and sexual abuse make me grateful for my terrible childhood. I know people have had it worse but I also know people had it much easier. I used to feel like op but now I'm just in the "getting through life, drama and stress free" phase. My childhood sucked but my adulthood will be peaceful as possible.

I have to agree OP. It's been a pile on and I'm sorry you've experienced it.

MN can be a horror show at times.

As an autistic person you are suffering from a very common experience of knowing you were gifted and knowing you had so much potential but because of the legacy of both your parents who were quite possibly ND you had a difficult parental relationship which trained you into a shit relationship with partners.

Do you follow Spectrumy on Facebook. You might find her older posts interesting.

We become the story that we tell ourselves OP. Perhaps you could work on your story. Instead of "I missed out, Im sad. you could be "You are a survivor. A hero. Someone who should be immensly proud of themselves". Theres' a good app called Aura which has some wonderful stuff on there to help change your thinking. There's a 2 week trial. I'm having therapy myself but I've found Aura pretty good. you have to go deep sea fishing, looking for the good ones but it's worth it when you find a good one.

I mentioned clean drinking water to give you some perspective. You said you had it harder than most and I disagreed.

You want to change how you feel about life? You have to be prepared to think differently.

On hard days I try and focus on how insanely lucky I am. Sometimes that’s literally me looking at my dog and cats and thinking how wild it is that I get to live with these adorable furry creatures. Like when Buddy in Elf says “ Good news! I saw a dog today.”
I feel that deeply because there are days when looking at a plant has been enough for me to feel
hopeful.

It’ll take work but if you want to change your thoughts you have to be willing to see the good too.

Seriously no one can answer you in a way that will help you.

Your current thought patterns are unreasonable, and you are angry about people with worse stories.

I think you need someone who can actually help you alter your thinking, medically or through therapy. This is not helping you, it’s making you angry.

No one is trying to upset you, people are sharing experiences to give you perspective.

The cesspit of mumsnet is absent here.

OP, depression is in the past, anxiety is in the future. You probably know this if you've had a lot of therapy

Never heard that before and I've had depression, anxiety and therapy. Thought provoking.

What? A lack of hope?
OP I am glad you feel the company of someone who is feeling in the same boat - which is a comfort of sorts - but the value of objectivity is to help you see a different perspective.

You have a lot going for you.

Your past, quite honestly, was indeed pretty shit. But it is that: the past has passed.

Now looks much better if you could only but see it without being cross with everyone.

I’ve read the whole thread, there is very little judgment and the most positive mumsnet posting I’ve ever seen.

OP, depression is in the past, anxiety is in the future. You probably know this if you've had a lot of therapy.

I'm sorry so many people are judging you so badly. I don't judge you and I can understand the wishful thinking for a life you could have had.

Have you ever had any life coaching? Or any self-esteem coaching? There's a great book called I woke up worthy on Amazon. It's a work book and you have to write in answers to help you find ways to value yourself better. maybe it might help.

Unfortunately we can't change the past. maybe that's what posters are trying to say. Of course we'd all have loved more stable, happier childhoods, I know I would have.

But it's just life. So we have to think about what we can do in the future to make changes and yes I think you're right, it's about accepting what we have, rather than fighting against the wish for things to be have been and be different. That takes a shift and perhaps professional help might help you get there.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Take heart and know that life can change, often when you least expect it. It sounds like you've had a really hard time. But you're still young and things will change. It won't always be like this.

Yeah I don't really know why people are like this on here (or real life).

Maybe people are jealous you have still done well in life. I expect I will get flak for being a very high earner and moaning about my situation, but I'd still do anything for another chance at life with average parents and to see what my life really could have been like and can absolutely relate.

It's unfair, you did nothing to deserve it but unfortunately there's nothing with can really be done.

Every single person on planet earth has a “my life could have been so different if it hadn’t been for __ “

Whether its abusive partner, terrible parents, physical health issues, mental health issues, economic barriers, care responsibilities, lack of ability, late ND diagnosis…

Not to minimise your feelings but really we can all find a reason if we’re looking for it. At the end of the day they are alll totally irrelevant, life just happens. Think about why you’re dwelling on this, sounds like you’ve got a perfectly good life that most people would be content with.

You are not a bitch; you are just not helping yourself.

I actually think OP you are in the hurting stage, and maybe, if this is bubbling to the surface, it is because you are getting ready to deal with the past. Many, many people don't really deal with it for a long time. Do you feel as though that is what this anger is?