AIBU to grieve the life I feel I might have had?

I actually think you are doing really fantastically well OP, certainly compared to me. I'm impressed by the fact you are in a management role, earning well enough to buy your own home - I earn a pittance and wouldn't have my own home without my DH.

I was lucky enough to fall in love and get married - but he died of cancer. I'm a widow at 47. Things don't always work out the way you think or want no matter what you do, some things in life you can never have control over. I am now grieving the life I thought I was going to have with DH. I can also tell you that despite being the best possible wife/partner I could I have been, I have been cheated on by every single man I have ever been with - I am a genuinely nice person, alright to look at, always tried to be the best I could be, and it still happened. You cannot predict how life is going to go. You could have done all of things you mention - got a 'better' job, got married, had kids, but you might have ended up even unhappier than you are now, with a tonne of work stress, or a broken marriage, or difficult children that were challenging to parent. There is no way of knowing. And I think you have done really well already, I really do.

This advice really struck a cord with me and is so true.

OP. I was once one of those 20 something Oxbridge graduates living in SW London and out partying all the time. On the surface I looked like I had it all. But I was miserable. I hated living in London and just wanted to be back in the countryside where I grew up.

I left the high flying career and London life and I have never been happier. So don't judge things on how they appear to you on the outside. You don't know what's going on underneath. I can guarantee that at least 2 people in the group you met are miserable with their lives.

The best day to begin was yesterday. The second best is today.

How old are you? I don't think it's ever too late. Sometimes I feel like you do, but then I think everything happens for a reason and I learnt a lot from things that happened to me, that perhaps I wished hadn't. For what it's worth, no way on this earth would I like to be a brain surgeon or the Prime Minister. Don't look back - go forward. I know that's easier said than done - but if you're still alive, there's still time for change.

I think we all wonder what if. I often wonder what if I had divorced my now ex when he was unfaithful when our DS was small instead of waiting another few years but maybe my life wouldn't have been a whole lot different. I will never know. Yes some bad stuff has happened to you but there could have been more/worse things and it sounds like you are doing alright. A decent job, own home and holidays are not thing everyone has. Look to the future as that is the thing you can do something about. What do you want to achieve in the next year, 5 years, 10 years? I am 53 and have plans for my future and eventual retirement but also make sure I put plans in place to see friends regularly, and to contact people if it has been a while. I used to think some people were busy if they had partners/families but in reality, they are always happy to meet up.

Agreed

There is nothing to say you could have done any of those things. People say all sorts of things at primary school. Who knows whether you could have been accepted to Oxbridge etc. All of that thought process completely removes any accountability from you, so is really disempowering.

Well you can stop blaming everyone else for everything bad that’s happened and get on with your life, you might find it gets better.

It’s not envy it’s oh I wonder how that would have been.

I understand. I had years of trauma due to abusive ex and unsupportive family. I was offered a place during my degree studies at a college based campus. My tutor got me to go due to my grades and they met me and instantly offered me a place mid course.

I had to decline due to the horrific abuse I was suffering, move back to my hometown with my DC and work in bars and nightclubs to feed us. Started to study part time years later. I always wonder.

it makes me very sad. I’m in my 50s now have my own home hundreds of miles from where I was brought up no longer working due to my health (most of the above causing the health decline).

You do seem to be coming at this from a position of privilege.

You can do something now and look back at this holiday as being the beginning of a new chapter. It's not one choice that makes a life, and it's not just one lost opportunity.

I think we all have those ‘what if’ moments and wonder where life would have taken us if we’d made different decisions.

As others have said, you cannot change the past. What do you want from the future? Make plans to set this in motion. It won’t just happen. It could be something as simple as learning to paint, visiting Rome or owning a pet rabbit.

You haven't described grief. You've described envy, and that is the one sin which will never give you any pleasure.

I don't know why people are voting you are being unreasonable. YANBU to grieve the life you may have had. But I do think you were set up for failure by such high expectations (without the support to make them come true) when you were young. Overachieving autistic women are often 'made for great things', then burn out by the age of 20 and never achieve what they were told they might. The thing is, being hard working and bright isn't enough. You need to recognise and take opportunities; and having some luck (meeting the right people, having at least some level of support etc) helps as well.

I think, whilst it's ok to regret you're not where you thought you would be at this age, you now need to think about where you'd like to be and what you need to change to make that happen. You don't have to have a guaranteed outcome. If you do nothing, you'll be no worse off, but definitely no better off. If you do something like, eg. learn a language, retrain in something you're interested in, it may not lead to a different career, but you'll have skills you don't have now. You could move to the SE. There's nothing but fear stopping you. You may not be able to afford a flat in Mayfair, but you could afford something, you could get another job, you could do further studies. Your life isn't over, just because it didn't follow the same path of some kids you met on holiday.

I am going to turn the advice around a bit. I think its fine and natural to grieve for the life you didn't have provided that you do it mindfully and also make an effort to appreciate the good in the life that you have. You aren't alone in your feelings....remember "I coulda bin a contender"

Trying to post a link to Gyles Brandreth audiobook 7 Secrets of Happiness.

Respecting your feelings and being compassionate towards your past and present self can go alongside a decision to focus on now and future happiness.

This book is a short entertaining listen and has some wisdom from late psychiatrist Anthony Clare.

[Book link](www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=7+secrets+of+happiness&adgrpid=186703329095&gad_source=1&hvadid=793419648466&hvdev=m&hvexpln=0&hvlocphy=1006714&hvnetw=g&hvocijid=4197070431840890337--&hvqmt=e&hvrand=4197070431840890337&hvtargid=kwd-380593885197&hydadcr=21614_2419887_374517&mcid=058cbd089bfa36ad96f8e433bee5556a&tag=hydrukspg-21&ref=pd_sl_9gdj2ag08v_e)

What ifs - what if they had had the childhood I had - would they get as far as I have ?

what if in your 40s means it is time to start thinking about what you know you want for your future. You don’t want to reach 80 and have the same thoughts over again

Meaningless to say you could've got into Oxbridge. Loads of people think that and don't. You got two degrees from a good uni, that's nothing to be regretting, and generally better to own your agency and see things as a choice you made than to put it all on your ex for holding you back. If you'd wanted to move to London and go on a grad scheme more than staying with the ex and getting a mortgage, that's what you'd have done. But you chose him and the house, which will have had it's upsides despite the fact the ex didn't work out ultimately. The grad scheme and whatever DP you might've got in London isn't any guarantee of greater happiness. Honestly this kind of thinking is just feeding the misery that will suck you down. Look at it spoiling a nice experience on holiday. There's no other life to grieve, only this life to live now. Focus on that and if depression or negative ways of thinking are ruining it, get meds/tools/help for it.

What has this got to do with anything? Property ownership is not the key to a happy life

You cannot change the past

Think of a new goal for the future for yourself & spend time & energy working towards that.
Do something new ?
New job
New hobby

You have a job, time & money for a holiday
Be grateful for that

This

I think you are completely entitled to feel hard done by and resentful. Having such a rough childhood must be awful and it’s not surprising that it has a massive effect on how your life pans out.

I think it’s healthy to acknowledge the ‘what if’s’ in life as long as you can also be grateful to the things you should be grateful for.
Ive lots of things that I am grateful
for but there are a few
things that I wish had worked out better. I think thats ok and I think it’s normal.
Have you ever considered some counselling? I wonder if you found the right person it might help you process your thoughts. I think it’s ok to be sad about things but you don’t want to risk becoming bitter.

All those obstacles and you have achieved so much.

Be proud of what you have done.