AIBU to grieve the life I feel I might have had?

What have you missed? Often and often children are projected as being brilliant but mostly they are big fish in small ponds. The chances of becoming PM are minute even if you make it into Parliament (only 650 of us can be MPs in the Commons and PMs are chosen from that group). The expectations were unrealistic. You have a higher degree, you went to a RG university and you are in middle management in your 40s. Not sure why you have two jobs but perhaps it pays for the nice hols?
Wishing for the might-have-been is pointless. You could change your career but you don't choose to and this you need to accept - or get up and go and get the knowledge you need for a different job.
Find some interests outside of work, meet some people your own age. An abusive relationship is damaging and you need to heal from it but it is possible - perhaps some counselling will help.
There is more to life than Oxbridge, flats in Chelsea and expensive holidays and you have many years in which to discover that.

You're only half way through your life! You can do anything you want, you know? The Ship is safe in the Harbour, but that's not what Ships are for.

It could be worse too, you could have fell into addiction or died. Your life is good, we all could’ve would’ve should’ve but that’s a moot point really.
Focusing on others doesn’t help. Look at that family who died falling from the expensive high rise apartment, from the outside they’d a good life, money, professional job, even with their ill son.
Be grateful that your life is peaceful now, that’s priceless.

Hi OP. When you hit your 40s it's really common to take stock and look back and wonder what might have been different. I think it's fine to feel these feelings and to give yourself time and space to mourn. And to also make plans for what you want to change and grow in your life. I recommend giving yourself maybe an hour a day to feel sad etc (or two whatever feels right) and then say to yourself ok enough of that until tomorrow and then you get on with your day and focus on here and now and building tomorrow. Best of luck

You never know what 'might' have happened. You're just assuming it would have. You have no idea. Would you have got into Oxbridge - you think so but it's not a definite by any means. Would you have been a brain surgeon - why do you think that, you probably wouldn't really. What I'm trying to say is that it is very easy to imagine how you think it might've been, chances are you're probably at the place you would've been anyway. You've achieved a lot. The decisions that you've made in the past reflect who you are - that is why you are where you are. Accept it, it's pretty good!

Read the midnight library

I find the shoulda woulda couldas come at times when I feel particularly low.

How are you OP? You’ve achieved a lot, even if it’s not your full potential. I wonder if actually you’re just going through a tough time?

Life is a lot longer than you think. If you're single, you are in the best position to do further training in any field you want, not necessarily to have a high-achieving "glittering career" but just to enjoy doing it for its own sake. Comparisons are odious.

Only you are holding you back. change direction x

I had a brilliant business idea back in my 20s. But no money, no connections, and no clue “how” to be an entrepreneur. Two years later someone else came up with “my” idea - they are now minted and famous.

Just how the dice roll. Don’t overthink it.

I think it sounds like you’ve achieved plenty with a really difficult start and you clearly have an incredible work ethic. You’re only in your 40s so please don’t fall into the trap of thinking just because you’re into middle age somehow it’s over for you. There’s a hell of a lot of life left - you could choose to do any number of things. Love doesn’t have an age date expiration or creativity or hobbies or any
number of incredible experiences.

I get how hard it is to feel sad about a life you could have led - but there’s a lot of life you could still have.

This!

Sending 🫂 OP. I agree with the suggestions to plan for what your future could be like.

Why can’t you retrain now and do something you are more passionate about? Why couldn’t you move somewhere more exciting?

I did all that glittering stuff in my 20s, PhD from a RG uni, big career, marriage and kids, big house (though I could only buy when I was 40). But after a 20 year career, I decided to pack it in and retrain for something new at 43. Unfortunately, then I got diagnosed with cancer and I haven’t been able to complete my qualification as going through at least 3 years of treatment and I’m not well enough. But at 40, you have probably another 30 years of working life ahead of you. It’s not too late to do something different!

Same with housing. I’m locked into where I live (which I love btw) because of Dh and dc. But there is absolutely no reason you couldn’t move to London or abroad. Not everything in London is £500k. Or you could Airbnb your place and go work abroad or save up and go travelling. World is your oyster without dependents. You only get one life. You absolutely aren’t shackled to this version of it forever.

Btw, I also had a traumatic childhood. I had no family left by the time I was 40. All either dead or I was NC. I agree with the suggestion you have a mindset problem not a circumstances problem. Therapy helped me a lot. I think you need to reframe what you do have an explore how you can jump off from here because you have a lot of potential.

Oh OP, I can imagine how you feel... to be honest, I think being in NHS middle management is not helping. It's a very toxic culture with plenty of bullying and oneupmanship from stupid people.

You feel as though all ships have sailed and passed you by, but "Life begins at 40" - and I really mean it - mine did!

Assuming you don't get hit by a bus or some kind of terminal illness, there is plenty of time for your life to change in positive ways.

At your age, I was slaving in the NHS, had a succession of abusive relationships after ending my abusive first marriage, was always skint, etc etc. My early life was no bed of roses, either.

Now (mid-60s) I am very successfully self-employed and very happily married, etc etc. Life is so good that I no longer envy people who appear to "have it all" because I wouldn't swap places with anyone.

What's that Chinese proverb: The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The next best time to plant it is now.

Never too late to learn, grow, and change direction OP 🤗

Sorry, I've just realised you're 40 - so really young! Plenty of time to do anything you put your mind to.

YANBU to grieve the life you might have had and trite reassurances like - well, at least have a home/don't live in Gaza, you have a job, you still have all your limbs and pull yourself together don't really help (in my view). Sort of like telling a person with depression - well, what do you have to be depressed about?

Give yourself time to mourn the life you might have had - 'might', not 'could', I'd stress. Any 'loss' takes time to grieve before you can move on.

I'm not necessarily saying get therapy but this article may give you food for thought and some ideas from a psychological perspective

www.peacefullivingmentalhealthcounseling.com/post/grieving-the-life-you-thought-you-d-have-a-trauma-informed-guide-to-letting-go-and-moving-forward

I don’t think it’s too late at all. Middle management is basically just transferable skills, so I’m not sure why you’d think you don’t have any. You might want to think about having a career coaching chat with AI to help you reframe your career potential.

If you were that bright and had so much potential at school, that’s unlikely to have gone away and you just now need to figure out how best to apply yourself to realise that potential.

With no kids, I think right now you have a mindset problem not a circumstances problem (which is much easier to address)

BertieMartini
YANBU to grieve the life you might have had, but you are wasting your time doing so.

Thats it - op honestly I sighed at middle management role and own house, were on a great holiday … You have to start seeing the great things you have, I get you’ve had it very tough but you’ve so many achievements x

YANBU There are some harsh unhelpful comments on here. I can relate to what you are saying and found counselling was the answer. It helped me to unpick my childhood and put an adult perspective on things eventually leading to peace and ability to change my outlook. It certainly can feel like going through a grieving process, especially if you miss having children. I would highly recommend seeking counciling to help guide and support you through it.

I could have been someone...well, so could anyone...

OP, this is absolutely classic "gifted kid" regret- there are whole groups on the internet devoted to discussing the feeling of having been told you were exceptional at school and then going on to have a perfectly decent but not exceptional career (and a very large proportion of people who feel this are late diagnosed ND).

This isn't to belittle how you feel, but maybe to put it into some sort of context. Lots of people are exceptional within the context of their school but this doesn't really mean all that much- it certainly doesn't mean that you're going to be prime minister (I know you weren't being 100% serious with this)- I do think schools need to take care about how they talk to their gifted students, because it's so common for adults to end up feeling cheated because they somehow got the impression that being ahead in y3 meant they were heading for an amazing life, and actually they've only ended up with a very nice life.

I'm a lawyer. It's interesting and well paid but not in any sense an exceptional thing to be doing- it's very ordinary in terms of getting on the tube every morning, reviewing documents at my desk- not a glittering career in the way a child would think of one. And yet I was exceptional at school, the brightest kid in the year, as was every single one of my colleagues. Being bright is great- it can help you get a good job, as it has with you, but it really doesn't guarantee you an exceptional life. Once you get to a certain level of seniority, everyone you work with was the brightest kid in their school. It doesn't mean much.

Rather than grieving for a different life, I'd recommend you try to identify what it is about that other life that you think is missing from yours. If you wish you'd gone to Oxford- why? Was it just the name, or the chance to spend time in those surroundings, or the chance to have more individual tuition and think about your studies in greater depth? How could you fulfil that need in your life now? If you wish you lived in London, think about how you could make that move. If it's a relationship, what could you do about that? (And do bear in mind that Oxbridge degrees and city flats don't guarantee a happy relationship.)

It sounds as if you've done really well in life- good job, your own home, plenty of money for holidays etc. Rather than fixating on the past, think about the active steps you can take to make things even better.

Be proud of what you have achieved in difficult circumstances. I know children of alcoholics who have turned out the same way, it’s an easy trap to fall into.

And it’s never too late to retrain for most careers. There are plenty of adult learners. I retrained at 30 and now have my dream job. Take control back of your life and change what you aren’t happy with.

At the very least try to reframe it as 'one of the lives you might have had' because any number of other outcomes could equally have happened. You're focusing on one that leaves you in a better place than now. How many people have their best outcome? People die young, end up chronically ill or disabled and dirt poor as a result, stuck in dead end jobs being abused for their entire lives, caught in a crippling addiction etc. People are way more likely to fall into hard times than meet their potential. You've endured some properly hard stuff but pulled through and you're now living a decent life, just not the one you'd pick.

I would say focus on the things you can feel genuinely grateful for and give those more of your attention. Also look at what changes you could make to enrich your life now, but in a way that doesn't focus on what could have been. What would bring you meaning and enjoyment over the next few years and then begin to make that happen.

You may feel 40 is too old to change anything but it really isn't. You are not even half way through your working life. I do think though it is an age where we naturally stop and take stock of where we have come from and where we are going.
You have done well despite a less than ideal childhood but plenty of us come from similar or worse. Keep going and take any opportunity that comes along. Don't dwell on the past, it wont get you anywhere.

Mumsnet has been very harsh in the last few days….
I would suggest that if you want a chatty thread maybe start one that isn’t in AIBU.

It sounds to me that you’ve managed really well considering all the challenges you’ve had.