AIBU to grieve the life I feel I might have had?

It’s not too late OP. I met DH when I was 40. We went on to have DD when I was 42. I was in a stuck in a rut job waiting for retirement but decided to try and reach and progress and now I am 58 in a job paying twice what I was earning at 40. 40 is young and I think there’s time for you to put yourself out there personally and professionally.

I had had a string of bad relationships but started therapy at 40 and joined a dating app. The therapy alongside dating really helped. Don’t give up!

You are only 40 and have already achieved a lot.

Your past experiences, good and bad, have made you the person you are today - there is nothing to be gained from wishing them away.

Carry on with your life, value yourself, and be glad to be who you are.

What was the business idea? I'm intrigued!

And I think the PP who wrote so wisely about radical acceptance was right, too.

We often need to be honest with ourselves with the way our past has shaped us, but not let it define us and the future.

There is such a thing as generational trauma too, that is when trauma is passed on through generations and shapes how people are genetically. I think it's possible this can impact the way we are, too.

But, there is always hope. And we are all in control of how our lives are, within the circumstances we have now. Be brave and bold. You can do this 💪

So many people wish they'd done things differently, I know my partner does. He had a good education and is a smart bugger but confidence held him back, with a little bit of being lazy. But you know what? It's done now. To regret is a waste of time and it's negative.
Sounds like you have done incredibly well, esp regarding your start in life. A lot of people would've crumbled under such pressure but not you. For that reason alone I think you're being unreasonable. You've done darn fine and kudos to your resilience. 40 isn't old by the way, there will be tweaks etc if you wish to change some things am sure of it.

Relationships are not always all that as you already know, look here on MN for that, countless of threads regarding their partners. Children, while nice to have are all-consuming and hard work, then they'd probably not appreciate it anyway when they go off into their own lives as they get older!

The grass is not always greener. I bet some of those 20-somethings you met will be thinking they hope they're on holiday in a swanky resort, with a good job and a home in 20 years time.

Yes Op. You are clearly intelligent. You don't have family or responsibilities to put first.

You get to call the shots here.

Well 70 thousand a year wouldn't buy a home in Chelsea anyway.

Not everything in life is achievable to everyone, but MOST things are.

Let's forget practicalities for a moment. What career would you have loved? What would you have liked about it?

There are no job opportunities anywhere in anything?

I would put a bet on the vast majority of young people who fit the criteria of ‘work in the city, flats in Chelsea, Oxbridge educated’ having come from great privilege – benefitting from structural advantages that very few ‘ordinary’ people can compete with. It’s taken me years to realise this but behind many young people who seem to be doing really well there is often a very simple explanation – for example, generational wealth, first flat paid for my parents, able to do internships/advanced degrees as supported by family for an extended period, ‘living in grandmother’s London place’ etc. Not to say that you can’t change your life for the better but try not to compare yourself to others. I am a bit older and have learned that ‘I managed to pay off my mortgage already’, for example, usually means some money has been inherited, not that the person is amazing with money / smarter than me….

Yes, this OP.

You say it is too late, but it isn't.

It is a huge benefit in this situation you don't have children because actually you CAN make this all about you.

What degree/career would you have liked ideally? Start from there ... it is doable. Loads of people go back to study.

You won't necessarily end up with a home in Chelsea etc, because in all honesty your luck in life has been to be bright not necessarily wealthy. Theirs was to be wealthy and the two don't always go hand in hand as much as people imagine they do.

YABU to lament a life you couldn't necessarily have had, but YANBU to want to have another shot at the things you can change. Nothing's stopping you.

ETA I would never "un-have" my dc. They are my joy. BUT I could be a hell of a lot more self-focused if I didn't have them. USE that freedom.

Hi dear,.I too have these thoughts. I could've been, should've been more, much more, if I didn't lose my way - way worse than what you seemed to have done - in my youth. At the same time I am incredibly grateful for what I do have because I could've ended up so so much worse. With the childhood you describe, so could've you, easily. You put in an enormous effort, bootstrapping yourself from the bottom with sheer will - so have I but I had a lot of help from my family over the years, mainly support but also money. Be proud of what you have achieved! You deserve praise and as for the past... it's past for a reason. Really the present is all we have... I'd love to be in an upmarket resort, but I've never been and can only imagine... So please do enjoy it, its a special time for yourself and you've more than earned it!

A work colleague once said to me "never waste the life you have wishing you had the life you wanted". That stuck with me. (Our adoption placement had just broken down)

OP you sound like a lot of neuro diverse adults who were pegged for "great things" as kids. I am one too.
Difficult/abusive upbringing
Breezed through school until age 12 and then puberty hit and social interactions became more complex and I was out of my depth emotionally, but still very good academically.
Linked up with the wrong guy in my late-teens and all but tanked my university opportunity and got into debt trying to keep him happy because he felt like the first person in a long time to just take me as I am and love me.
And at 37 I'm just about finding my equilibrium.
I didn't live up to that early promise but I honestly think if I had managed to stumble into the glittering career, I'd have never managed to maintain it. I'm not build for constantly being "on".
I'm clever and I'm kind but I need a lot of recharge time and I don't want to do the things needed to break through as a politician or pop star. I wouldn't want the pressure of being a doctor or architect or engineer, and I don't manage people well enough to be a lawyer or business owner etc.
Some of it was definitely down to my circumstances, but a lot of it comes down to who I am and how I am.
Look inward @OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends and ask yourself if that life is really one you could have managed if it was offered to you

You have a very defeatist attitude. You seem to view your life as a series of things that happened to you rather than things that you had any choice in or control over. That may have been true when you were a child but it's not true now. It's not too late to change it all. I think that something like CBT might help you reframe your views. You could have gone to Oxbridge. In 20 years what will you be saying that you could have done now?

YANBU but I feel like most people feel like this about some aspects of their lives. I certainly do!

Truly OP it is down to mindset. At 40 the world is your oyster. You could begin a whole new career if you wanted. You could be days away from meeting the love of your life. You need to put a bit of work in, the world won’t come to you, but it is absolutely possible to have the life you dream of.

I’ve never read the midnight library but this thread has encouraged me to do so 😊

Why is it too late late to change anything now? You're only 40! You have 3 more decades of working life ahead, which is longer than the working life that's behind you.

Come on @OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends

You are intelligent. If you wanted to go and be a city trader you could sell up and go and do it. 40 is not old and you don’t have kids to think about.

So… stop wallowing…think about what you want to do next. And go for it! Nothing holding you back but yourself!

I feel very much the same. That feeling of odds stack against us, albeit working so hard to make things better. There was always something outside of any control I had, that minimised, prevented the opportunities that should have been.

You say you are in your 40s OP. I didn't go to uni until my early 40s. The initial intention was to gain a degree to return to my previous profession with improved qualifications. However that never happened. I fell in love with academic research and stayed on to do a masters and a Ph.D. I deeply regret that I did not go to uni sooner but I too was was held back by family circumstances which I wont go into. Otherwise I might have had a glittering academic career and retired as Prof. Gingercat rather than simply Dr. I'm proud of what I achieved as a working class kid born in a two-up-two-oown with no bathroom. But it might have been so much more.

I was fortunate to have 10 years in academia before I retired. And before all this dreary woke and gender business made academics scared to speak their minds. I still do private tutoring at postgrad level.

You already have a degree so at 40ish its not too late for you.

Looking back as I have recently i havd been thinking that if I'd gone to a different school I'd have been pushed towards university. If my mum hadn't become ill when I was 15 I might have joined the army. If I had left the company I was working for much sooner I'd have been snapped up in the jobs market given the reputation it had. If I'd taken the job i was offeredin London on a huge salary...I'd been made redundant when the credit crunch hit a year later . At the end of the day I don't regret any decision I made i know why I made them.

I come from a rough working class background. I had a friend murdered, others died as a result of drugs and car crashes when I was a teenager...so to end up finalically stable, healthy and retired at 57 is fantastic