AIBU to expect my seven-year-old to fall asleep independently? Bedtimes takes hours and we are exhausted!

Is there something he really wants you could work towards him earning by going to sleep alone. I’d start going up a bit later, and then maybe just go into your own room and not downstairs, or sit outside the door. Yes at 7 he is old enough to fall asleep independently and you’re right, my parents would no way have entertained the idea of sitting with me for an hour plus.

The most confident boy in the class still sleeps with his mother. She puts instagram posts up about it.
Two of his close friends still won’t sleep without one of their parents. I know this because I’ve got close with the parents. I think it’s more common than people realise, but it’s just not talked about.

My son is 9 and we still have to sit with him
while he goes to sleep. Recently diagnosed with ADHD & ASD.

Yes he will. My DS2 was still getting into our bed in the middle of the night at 7 - but not by 8. We were in despair when he was 6/7, but it just stopped of its own accord.

They definitely grow out of it, but it can take a while. DS2, now a hugely independent, over 6ft 15 year old, used to like me staying with him to fall asleep for quite a few years after the age of 7..... The worst bit was I used to fall asleep with him, sometimes waking up at 10pm. Honestly, we both look back on it very fondly. Sure it was frustrating when I had stuff to get on with but soon enough the only thing they want you for is a bank transfer and a lift. I'd just let him have his cuddle.

He will. I felt like this with DS - with the added complication that he's autistic, sleep was a real issue for him and I was often in with him until gone 1am and in with him again multiple times through the night. He still sleeps badly at 13, but doesn't need me in with him to fall asleep anymore.

It will end!

so he’s having ten hours of sleep overnight, which is normal for that age. Normal range 9-11 hours overnight at this age. Realistically he may not need any more overnight sleep than this. if he’s taking an hour to fall asleep then he’s not tired enough when you put him to bed at 8:15pm. I’d put him to bed much closer to the time he actually falls asleep - it will be much less frustrating for you. An hour of trying to get a child to sleep is too much.
if you’re wanting him to fall asleep earlier than 9:30pm then you need to gradually shift the ten hour block of sleep earlier -eg move his wake-up time to 06:30am and bedtime to 08:30pm in small increments.
www.paaap.org/uploads/1/2/4/3/124369935/551b74_0a25804f79b44994bb8db7ed9ed957db.pdf

Yes. Not many 17year olds want their mother to hold them until they fall asleep.
100% of children will grow out of it when they’re ready. It’s your job to comfort and support them.
if he’s going to sleep an hour after you put him to bed, I would say he’d not tired enough. Sleep needs drop as children grow. And some have lower sleep needs than others. just move bedtime to one hour later, he’ll fall asleep faster.

I knew I didn’t want this from the beginning. I have friends who sit on the floor for hours singing to their children or cuddling them to sleep. Not for me! We both have very demanding jobs and need the down time.

Sleep training - I imagine exactly the same principle works as an 7 year old. You allow him to settle himself for small periods of time and if he doesn’t settle you pop in and say night night love you. You stay consistent. The time he needs settled reduces and eventually he will realise. You can give him the heads up this is going to happen as he will understand. Good luck!

I think if you just do it, with no indication that you think it should stop or grumbling about him being too old for it - THAT’S when he’ll stop needing it. Stop pulling away and he’ll stop being so desperate for you.

Falling asleep independently is something that you have to learn. Some children need help/training. I am not a fan of all of her strategies, but Supernanny does have some shows that feature sleep training. It might take a few weeks and you have to be completely consistent (not giving in “just for tonight”). It will work unless there is a medical reason.

Talk it through with your child, give him a reason for making a change- such as a sleepover. Take a deep breath and do it.

I actually find if I stay and snuggle they take longer to go to sleep, they fidget around, think of things to chat about etc and sometimes a snuggle and chat is nice but sometimes I know they are tired and I feel it's best they get more sleep. So I do the I am just going to do 'insert random task' and I will come back and over time I have dragged out how long the task takes but usually I find they are asleep even if I head back quickly

Been reading this thread with interest. My DS12 achas learning disability do much ‘younger’ than his age and one of us has always lain with him for half an hour or so til he goes to sleep. But as it’s been so warm, we haven’t been doing it and he has been fine, so now I think it was more for our benefit than him 😅

With DD I would wait until she was nodding off, then leave her bedroom. She'd half wake and sleepy overtired irrational her would ask where I was going in a slightly panicky voice. I would tell her I was just going to the loo. Pop to the bathroom, dawdle for a while and tiptoe back - fast asleep.

After a week, no dawdling needed.

A month and she was fine with me leaving.

Yes I read that and was surprised! I love falling asleep alone, really dislike going to bed in a room with other people also going to sleep!

This thread has been an eye-opener. I had no idea that so many kids over five without special needs, needed a parent with them to sleep. I admire all your patience, I could not handle that.

Your job as a parent is to raise an emotionally healthy child. This includes teaching them to be confident and independent.

You are a hindrance to your child if you do not let them grow up because “you will miss it one day”. That’s part of having a child; holding them back is not a kindness.

I have similar (not as bad!) with my 6 year old. I go and sit on my own bed next door to her. She likes to know im there. I think there's an in between lying and cuddling for an hour and being harsh! Tell him you'll be back in a minute and literally go back 10 seconds later and tell him how proud you are, big cuddle, etc. And repeat with longer spaces in between....lots of praise.

Really........?

He's a small child. You sleep next to a partner but want him to fell asleep and stay asleep alone?

No most adults don't need music or their partner!

I did it for my dc - it stopped eventually. I think it is probably natural behaviour tbh - individual bedrooms for children is a very modern concept.

I think it can be quite normal at that age to an extent. My just turned 7 year old settled herself for years, story hug night night. Then started getting upset when we left and we were in and out like yoyo's. She has a Rainbows sleepover coming up so I knew we needed to gently support her to develop some independence. She got an echo dot for her birthday, and she can ask it to tell her a story, play some calm music etc, and she has done so much better, and now back to going to sleep on her own.

That time is precious. I would keep doing it. You will miss it when he's 11 and doesn't want to anymore.

The overbearing mothering that promotes treating a 7-year old like 7-month old that will cause issues. Enabling unhealthy dependency isn’t kind.

And I say this as someone who was overly mothered as a child, which led to major attachment and homesickness problems in my teens through into early adulthood. I didn’t repeat that with my children, and they are far better adjusted.