Starting again at 61

Does he want you to stop going out? Because unless he's unhappy with that, I don't see why you need to start over to do all these things? Surely you have the best of both worlds, security, family and companionship, and fun and excitement? In all honesty the two probably give good balance that might be missing if you went all in with the shiny life, and the novelty could wear off.
The sex thing is obviously more problematic. It's a shame you're out of step on that, but surely it's up to him whether he'd prefer a sexless marriage or none at all, you don't need to decide that for his benefit.

Aging occurs diferently for everybody. And it is not linear. There are big aging step around 60. I am a few years younger than you and full time works drains me and I am thinking to reduce my work hours. Two years ago I was full of energy, starting a new job etc. It is liked Ive aged 4 years in 2. And I love my job.
The study says that there are these big aging steps that occurs mid 30s 60s and late 70s. Maybe I've hit mine a bit erlier and you haven't hit yours yet. But it is a fact that age will affect health and energy levels sooner or later.

Life’s short and you still have your health, I say this as someone in their fifties who developed multiple health problems at menopause. I can’t help feeling some of the answers here would be very different if you were younger. You say on paper you have everything, but I think you have to ask yourself if you do? Do you still enjoy your husband’s company? Do you have much in common anymore? If yes, then there’s something to work with here. If he’s just a good man who you like well enough but you’re just very different people now, then you don’t have to stay just because he’s nice. It might also explain where your libido has gone, you like him but may not be attracted to him anymore. No amount of hrt or trips to the GP can sort that out.

I think the talk of going out with friends may have skewed the conversation. It sounds to me like you’re just much more active than him. That if you were to separate it wouldn’t simply be meeting up with these specific friends, but that you might enjoy city life and all that comes with it. Yes, you might have to live in smaller accommodation on less money (you’d need to do the sums here) but lots of people split in their sixties, you’re not consigned to a lifestyle and a person who doesn’t make you feel happy just because you’re 61.

My mum left step dad at 60 and although she feels better certainty it is not retirement she had planned, goes nowhere doesn't do much as cannot afford to and it's hard to see her struggle, she has afew friends but constantly moans she's lonely and poor and at least a relationship as a beat friend is way better than uncertainty, end of the day talk to your partner if sex is a major issue let him be the one to. End it, u go do your thing with friends and if he resents that meet in the middle would your new friends come to your aid if you couldn't afford to do all there events think carefully

I think you're searching for a radical change, but can't quite make the final jump.
Ask yourself how you see your life in 5 years time.
Discuss the future with your husband and try to work out a way forward.

What's going to happen when she's 63? When I was that age I was working full time as a secondary school teacher. I wasn't the only one. I didn't retire until I was 66.
I can't imagine being so bored at 61. Sounds like she's seeking fulfillment and is resentful of the way things have gone.

It drives me mad these posts about women who never worked or took on their share of financial responsibility then feel it's their turn to play around. Or the posters who refer to 'his' children as if they are in Afghanistan and wives and children are owned by the man. Most women work, I still do part time work and I am in my 70s. Most of us retire mid sixties then do grand childcare for 10 years. A day off is still a novelty to me. On my day off I want to spend it with my lovely husband. Fifty years and counting. I am the age where every other person has cancer . Blow up your life but you will make a lot of enemies. I see my widowed friends, it is hard being old and alone in your seventies and eighties.
I think you are selfish, OP.

You do seem very me me me @ByHardyMintPombear

If you need money to pay for your jollies get a job

If you don't want sex ,talk to your husband and work out how he can find a way to feel happier about sex

Don't see your grandkids so often and you can then find more time to work to pay for your jollies

Perhaps your Mum needs sertraline?

I disagree. Her main concern is that she doesn't want to sleep with him anymore and secondly that she will have no money.

At least if he gets a side piece that will solve 50% of the problem. If he does fall in love and the marriage ends it was going that way anyway but it bides the OP some time at least while she enjoys her new mates etc. and decides if it's worth salvaging.

I am not on the side of the OP by the way. I think she actually wants her cake and eat it.

X

Jesus, some of these posts! Get thee to a nunnery @ByHardyMintPombear , and live out your final years in shame, you pleasure seeking hussy.

These dilemmas are faced by people at any age; and most people do nothing and remain living ‘lives of quiet desperation.’ This site provides much evidence of that.

Only you can decide if major change is worth it to you. But be aware most families don’t like it when good old mum finally decides to do something for herself.

I am for living on the present but the reality is that you are 61. In a couple of years you may be looking at completely different picture. What will you do when you no longer have the energy for going to gigs alone with these new friends. Will you be happier to be on your own ? If you dont think you won't miss him, divorce would be good for both.
I wouldn't be surprised if remarries quite soon. So it would be a win-win for you both

I'm not sure sleeping with other people would be a great idea. What if he falls in love with someone else and wants a divorce? Where does that leave you? You might benefit from relationship counselling.

This.

Well, are you? Might be time for a good honest chat.

I think you're forgetting someone.

It seems you want him to compromise but you to not at all?!

I think you need to look for a job to fund your social life and also give you some purpose outside the home. I am sure you could find something part time.

Also it might be worth exploring your lack of libido with your GP. Many women who are in peri menopause, menopause or post menopause experience this and while some recognise they still want to have sex but for their hormones playing up, for many they just feel like they couldn't care less. That isn't always and accurate reflection of your hormones and is down to your hormones. While no one should feel pressured into having sex, I do think you owe it to your decent sounding husband to determine if this something that can be resolved.

Starting again is always an option but it sounds like you get on and generally have a nice life and are not in any hurry to move onto a new relationship. He doesn't seem to mind you going out or funding that from the joint pot (although I think you will feel better if you were earning and it would set you in good stead if you do separate in the future). I think there may be a compromise to be had here that will suit you both.

Can you agree with your husband that you do your thing and he does his and you come together for what you both enjoy. I think it is the best way to enjoy retirement to each be independent a bit like while he was working. Don't undervalue a life partner, you will have been through so much together, but have it to work for both of you.

Well I think you should get a job as a starting point.

I think people are being a bit harsh.

I wonder if for years you've been a caregiver and given what you think are your best years to doing what everyone else needs and not what brings you joy? I think there are thousands of women of your generation, and older, who feel this way, like they died to themselves for decades and now want to feel like a person, not just a wife/mother. I think this is especially true if you've not have fulfilment in other areas - work, volunteering, other relationships like close friendships etc.

I'd suggest seeing a counsellor to process the feelings and try to separate them out and understand what you really want. Leaving a marriage for friends won't work long term, but having a chance to bring some fulfillment to your life is really important, maybe this can be done while remaining married, but maybe not.

I guess you have two options:

1. Work with your husband to figure out how to work through the fact you want different things for this next decade. Quiet village life with things not too different than they have been the last decade or two vs more urban, finding new hobbies, doing interesting things, expanding your social group. I think you need to let go of the idea you can't spend what is in the 'pot' on anything for yourself. You raised presumably his children and cared for the home? Not saying that means you are entitled to it all, but it's reasonable that you have a set amount each month that you can spend on yourself/hobbies, just as he should have too. It's okay to do something separate a couple days a week, to take a course, see new friends, go to a dance etc as long as it's transparent. You should not be made to feel guilty for this.

2. Start again - people do it. I have an aunt who has. She was a young Mum, married with children, devoted decades to home life and then got to her 50's and early 60's and wanted to make a life. She stayed good friends with her ex husband. She moved into a new 2 bed property nearer the city centre. This was about twenty years ago and she's still very happy. Her ex-husband has since died. They remained good friends to the end. The reality is, both their retirements changed due to splitting assets 50/50 but it wasn't bad, just different. Her ex-husband said near the end of his life that he was glad she was happy. I don't think that all ex partners would feel that way, but it was validation for her she didn't ruin anything, she made her life better and he didn't resent her for it.

As for the sex, if you want to have it but aren't in the mood/find it painful, speak to your GP as there can be physical reasons that help. BUT no one should be pressured into sex, just as no one is guaranteed sex.

I wish you well @ByHardyMintPombear I think it can feel really hard to feel stuck in a life you feel you've moved on from. Do you have a trusted friend (not one of the new 'shiny' ones) that you can confide it? Someone who can be less biased? Who also cares about you enough to want you to be happy/content?

You aren't bad for wanting this for yourself. I guess the question is can you have enough of what brings you joy while you remain in your marriage or if you need to move on?

Good luck

Exactly.

The poor bloke probably already knows. It’s not hard to figure out when it happens.

Stay with him. Suggest a more “independent” marriage. He can look elsewhere for sex and you get independence with your friends.

It’s not worth leaving him just because you feel bad about taking money out of the family pot.

You might find you don't have the energy for these events if you have to work full time to support yourself!

If you feel the financial cost is taking too much from the pot, then get a part time job. The events themselves don't seem an issue. Your DH doesn't want to attend, nor do you want him to, so what's the problem?

The sex aspect, you really need to think about whether it's sex itself you're not interested in or just sex with your DH. If it's sex in general, then go and see your GP and discuss it. Why wouldn't you want to do that for someone you've been with this long and sounds like a decent guy? If it's just sex with your DH you don't want then that's a different problem.

My DH is going to think I’m with him for the nice life we have… well you kind of are, aren’t you.