Starting again at 61

This is a bit odd OP. It reads as though you are looking for reasons to leave your husband which might be case but if it is you should at least be honest with yourself. None of these things are reasons to blow up an entire family’s world, devastate your children and have an impact on your relationship with any future grandchildren. You can go to the events without your husband and your DH can sort himself out. I don’t really see the issue apart from you seem to want there to be one?

My parents are a little older than you but not much and in the same situation I would be furious and so so disappointed with my mum and probably end up taking my dad’s side so you need to think about how you could end up losing everything.

I go to lots of stuff without my DH. He goes to events without me. Shared finances cover each others hobbies. You sound like you are subservient to him like it’s his money. You raised a family, he worked. You both had roles. He’s not more deserving. I would try counselling.

Haven't read the full thread, but surely you can't afford this fantasy life. Assuming these are also new friends, who may quickly no be the people you think they are.
Firstly you need to get a job. I can't understand why you haven't worked sooner.

I agree with you. If you see my original reply is for her to question what she really wants. But also not act on a whim and destroy her relationship in the process and regret later.If she is sure that what she wants is to leave her husband she should go for it and deal with whatever the consequences are as they come. But he may not be problem by what she decribed. She put herself in a corner by not having a job and that may be part of the reason she feels unfulfilled. Not that a job is everything. She sounds as if she's given up on her relationship.
If you trully love somebody you can always find things to do that both enjoy and also have separate interests. I find her approach is very one sided.

The life you have with The Shinies is not an everyday existence. You can still have those experiences, but you need to start filling up your days with other activities. Volunteer, take a part time job, join a gym or walking group. Find things that interest you. There are so many options these days

I am 62, married, but we don't have children. Because of this, I have always been very keen for us to do stuff separately. If one of us dies, the other needs to be self sufficient. You and your husband are not joined at the hip. Do your own thing, and make sure he does too. This will make the time you do spend together more interesting.

Don't go to every single meet up with the shinies, so then you'll be able to afford it when you do go. Done - that side's sorted. As for your sex life, your are old enough to know what you do and don't want. It sucks for your husband, but no one owes anyone else sex, especially in your sixties. So, now the ball's in his court (so to speak) - can he live without having sex with another person? If not, then there's your answer.

Dump him and go on the game.

Getting a part time job where you can focus your energies and make a difference might really help
here. You might not feel so trapped, you will have something to make an impact through and also you will feel more of an equal partner financially (although as others have said bringing up children to allow another partner to work is a massive contribution, he’s not the only one who worked hard).

In the case I mention on page 2, the separation (instigated by 1, unexpected by the other) has turned difficult and nasty.

In turn the person who I’ve known for well over 20 years, is a shadow of the one I knew of and emotionally devoid for consideration to others.

it’s left me wondering how well did I know that person to start with….

They have lied to me, told various versions of he said/she said, has interfered in a business arrangement so it ended up benefiting their self. It’s affected that couple’s relationship too.

I doubt I will see that person ever again moving forward (they are moving a few hundred miles away), yet for 20 + years I would have dropped what I was doing to help if it had been required.

My feelings have certainly changed since they initiated the separation and not for the better.

Why would she make enemies for ending her marriage?

Why would she take on a share of the financial
responsibility if he is not taking on a share of the emotional and domestic labour?

The events and day trips / overnights in the city are easily resolved: go without him.

I know don’t how you can compromise on the sex life though.

Huge mistake to give up work for grandchildren when it isolates you so much.

You have given enough.
Get back to work.

I agree with all of this.

I would also add to be careful Op, the grass isn’t always greener & you could end up poor & lonely in your next phase. (And the old adage rings true - the grass is greener where you water it). Good luck as it is tough.

stay at home mums have pension credits as long as you get child benefit. So you will have your own pension

Eventually he's going to think I'm with him for the nice life we have & the freedom it gives me, but not for him.

This is of course the reality.

Being retired sends you both into a new phase of life and adjustments are needed, just as there were when you started a family, or you went back to work, or the children left home .......

I think part of the problem is that you want to talk about big general things like ..... what to do with this last bit of your lives, where to live, what to do for social life, places you would like to see etc. etc. and he just wants to talk about sex. It is a lopsided conversation that gets neither of you anywhere.

Write it down: I want this, this, this for this new phase of life. I don't want this, this, this. Give it to him and ask him to do the same so you can both talk about it. It gives you something concrete to discuss and make plans on this basis.

At the moment it sounds as though you are both drifting about and talking at cross purposes.

I do not think you need to see a doctor about your absence of libido - you are not ill. You are just 61 and it is very common for libido to fade in women at that age. Do not allow yourself to be medicalised. Nor do I think you need to feel bad about taking money from the pot to have some fun. You have contributed to the pot too.

It is a shame that your sex drives are now mismatched, but it is absolutely normal for this to happen - two people cannot share whole lives together without changing in many ways and this is just one of them. Each change requires adaptation. If you are very clear that sexual activity is off the agenda, then he will have to find ways of adapting, because the bottom line is that no-one (man or woman) should ever be having sex they do not want.

It sounds like a bit of a boring life to me and I too would crave a bit more excitement in your position. Why shouldn’t you be ‘selfish’. You’ve given up your life to look after your joint kids and enable him to be the provider. You should be having some fun before the light fades. Explain this to your dh and see if you can find some compromises. If you’re happier , you might feel more like reviving your sex life.

I don’t know why you would blow up your life for this. You describe a set-up which sounds great by many people’s standards. If your husband is happy for you to see your new friends and go out, that’s great. What’s the problem? If it makes you happy and fulfilled you’ll be fun to be around. The sex thing is a whole other thread and you owe it to him to have a deep conversation with him about it at the very least and if you previously enjoyed sex and had a good sex life to investigate medical or therapy based solutions.
The thing that would sway it for me would be the lack of kindness towards someone who has been such an important part of your life. I bet he’d be devastated. I would also not want to do this to my adult children. Marriage is hard. Divorce is harder. Choose your hard. I think you should have your cake and eat it.

"How could I break his & the rest of the family's heart by turning everything on it's head"

This. Are you willing to shatter the lives of everyone youblove just because youre 'bored'? And for what, exactly?

You could take a part time job to pay for your trips? You’re not too old. Lady in the supermarket near me is in her late 70s and loves having a natter by the tills. You could also be a midday lunch supervisor at a school. Or a lollipop lady / crossing patrol. These very part time positions would suit somebody like you quite well. There’s probably other options out there too. Then you don’t need to feel guilty about taking from the family pot.

I’m your age too. My body has also changed and I’m trying different supplements without much success. My Hubby notices the difference in my body as well and it things not enjoyable for him as well. So I’m happier to pleasure him.

it’s also fine for Hubby not to want to go to every concert with you but why not try for the one most special to you? Then do something he wants to do that you might not.

develop new habits and opportunities. Basically start dating each other again now the kids are gone. Travel, joint sports, hobbies, some times chasing your own interests.

we hsve been watching a friend couple separate. Not married for as long as you and I have, but not much younger. It’s turned terribly nasty and the money one thought they were going to get isn’t there in reality and it’s going to be a huge struggle and that person has changed away from the wonderful person they had been…

Too true, but 61 isn't old nowadays. She's still got life in her and isn't ready to sit by the fire and nod off. By the sound of it she's still searching for fulfilment and activities.
None of us know what future holds, so maybe she's right to enjoy her life while she can.

I don’t really see why you can’t build a life that incorporates both these things.

Take those rose tinted glasses off.