Starting again at 61

Im a big believer in following your heart and have always followed mine.

But when you have spent a long time NOT doing that, I also believe that sometimes you may just have to accept the bed you have made for yourself and find ways to live as best yiu can with the life created by your decisions.

What you are yearning for may TECHNICALLY be possible, but for many reasons, its a high risk move.

You could pack it all in and go live your best life.
Equally you could pack it all in and find your new friends move on, you develop an illness, you cant pay your mortgage or rent, and youre left thinking "im 61, WTF just happened?".

In your case I would stop lusting after an unrealistic party life and start thinking about how you can create some compromises with this man you describe as your best friend. That means:
You need to go back to work
He needs to have a serious think about qorking with you to move somewhere less rural
You need to start thinking creatively about how you can reengage with your sensuality and see about reconnecting with the man you married, on a sexual level.

Good luck.

And it’s easy to offload to people removed from your inner circle too, in turn they will generally offer assistance which may not be ideal for the marriage ( which is what happened in our friends case).

It’s a hard call re the new friends. They may look down on the authors life because it wouldn’t be for them, and OP fancies their life because it’s one She/They haven’t tried.

The same place as she is now except by a different route?

I think you have to be an older woman in a long relationship to understand your dilemma. Some of the other posters were unkind, I think.

I wonder if, if you reflected, you'd find that you went off this man a very long time ago, but it was impossible to leave due to your responsibilities.

Your children are grown, your husband is an adult, yes, it would majorly rock the boat to leave, but they would survive. And your relationship with your husband could improve, over time. Maybe he'd be happier to be with someone who wanted more sex. And you could finally do the things you've always wanted to do, and escape the rural boredom. Maybe a trial separation is the first step, to see how you both feel. Maybe, you could convince DH to move to the city.

Good luck, whatever you decide!

My SIL is only 70 but her hip issues now prevent her from moving.

So she is widowed in a huge house on two acres of gardens and cannot get anywhere on her own.
She is refusing to leave her gardens but is very lonely and dependent.

Life is hard and it gets harder in old age. Will her shiny new friends step up if she develops cancer or dementia? Hopefully that is all ten plus years away. I see already friends of mine being widowed and how hard it is for them

This is true. We can never have it all, and life is always a compromise.

I agree about the rural area, it always sounds so lovely, but it can be very isolating. I live in a tiny village and the social life here is buzzing!

Some people can’t see how good they have things

why is it that you have no idea how spoilt you sound/are ?????

He does sound boring and old before his time. How do you think he'd react if you suggested he gets sex elsewhere? Then you can go off raving guilt free.

I would just say that if you divorce, you may lose some of your non-shiny old friends, especially if one of these shiny new friends turns into a shiny new partner soon afterwards.
Shiny new friendships can easily change or dissolve away if there's nothing much below the surface to bind you together. Proper old friends are worth their weight in gold IME and increasingly so as we get older.
I'd pop them on the scales when you're weighing up your choices.

And are they all single or navigating marriage/family with these same social outings you want to go to.

Strange suggestion for someone who doesn’t want sex. Unless you’re encouraging OP to take up tennis?

This is a sensible reply.
I think the marriage DH and I have is like a Venn diagram; we have our joint bit in the middle, plus my bit and his bit.
It suits us and it means we can lead the life we want without the other being clingy or resentful.

Can you tell us more about the new friends? How did you meet? Are they in a similar age/income bracket to you? Who organises these events? Could you organise some and make them more affordable?

I agree about the rural area, it always sounds so lovely, but it can be very isolating.

This is SO TRUE.
Living in an urban setting helps too.

I see my SIL widowed in a rural setting and it is so isolated.

What is ‘emotional labour’? Is there any suggestion that the husband did not pull his weight within the family? It is a huge luxury to not have to be the main breadwinner. Both my grandmothers worked throughout their lives and brought up four and six kids respectively. They worked hard. There are a lot of women, statistically far more than men, who either never return to work after childcare or do small jobs and become economically inactive earlier. The OP says she looks after grandkids. In my experience there is a good ten years in that and she looks after her elderly mother. Not his parents, note. She says they ( so husband as well ) love her mother and love having her to stay in spite of her controlling ways. Seems to me the husband does a great deal for his wife. Will he be expected to take on the care of his MIL when his wife dances off to her shiny new friends?
Life is hard and it gets harder in old age. Will her shiny new friends step up if she develops cancer or dementia? Hopefully that is all ten plus years away. I see already friends of mine being widowed and how hard it is for them. Good luck with the shinies. Good luck with your shiny new life.

Just go by yourself OP, surely that's completely normal. Most retired couples do lots of things separately, within the people I know, the woman travels around and the man prefers to stay at home. And both are happy with this. In fact I'm 40 and that's what I prefer too.

Its a problem that your sex drives don't match, but it's up to him whether he's sufficiently unhappy with that to do something about it.

You wouldn’t be able to afford the move to the city by yourself. And it seems strange to throw your entire life away. You can go out clubbing . I just don’t see why you seem to think it’s one way or the other .

You need a group of like minded girlfriends. Find your tribe and get yourself a volunteer job.

i promise, in our old age, the girlfriends make a the biggest difference:
the laugh, the support, the silliness, and everything in between

a volunteer work cos you need to keep your brain engaged in something miningful

Then and only
them you can decide if you need to separate

I am sort of going against the grain here. He does sound deadly boring and I personally couldn’t cope with being with a person with that little spark or curiosity.

So many men become unbelievably boring and set in their ways when they hit middle age while women often come into them own at this point in life. I think its a tragedy to be dragged down by a man who has prematurely aged. I’m not surprised you don’t want sex with him.

On the other hand at a practical level I think posters are right that the friends who suddenly seem so appealing are lifestyle friends and probably aren’t enough to sustain you. I don’t think your life with them is a reliable guide to what single life would be like.

Could you manage financially living on your own? I do think you would be happier without him if you can afford it.

I think a job would give her some financial independence though.
I suspect finances is something that the OP and her husband need to discuss more.

Maybe she does not want to work. Work is not a panacea ... it can be a huge burden.
Being involved with GC is a joy and not a burden to some.

I’m posting even though I have no idea what you should do [helpful]

My parents split up when my mum was 59. She was the breadwinner and had a steady job, and my dad left her finally and ran off with someone else. All I can say is… don’t expect old steady back home to remain the same. He will have a new relationship and new priorities faster than you can blink, and you will be living on whatever you can scrape together. My dad lived in poverty for the rest of his life but eventually managed to find a girlfriend with money and a house - tbf he did do some caring for her and she loved him very much but it was such a relief to us that he wasn’t being evicted etc any more in his 70s. The joint decision for you to be a SAHM was all fine but it has left you dependent and vulnerable.

It does sound to me as if both your lives could be better within the marriage. I agree that you do need to have a proper conversation about sex. Going out and having fun should definitely be part of your life but you do need to pay attention to your husband.

Could some of this be improved by moving into the city? Would he consider that?